by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Changing how we speak to ourselves

How we speak to ourselves and how we perceive ourselves colors our experiences and in turn becomes the lens through which we filter out the world and experiences coming our way!

Photo and quote by Tamara Kulish
Available on Fine Art America

If we see ourselves negatively, even a little, we tend to filter out the positive experiences, telling ourselves that no good will come of it… for us! If we do select it, our negative self views will often then set us up to self-sabotage, as a self-fulfilling prophesy to prove that things really DON’T work out for us!

As Dr. Gerald Stein says in his blog, we all have at least one story we tell about ourselves to explain who we are. Some of us have positive stories, and some of us speak harshly about ourselves, if not to others then to ourselves. Sometimes we hide those negative stories from others and try to put on a positive façade, but inside we might tear ourselves to pieces.

The most significant stories represent the essential narrative of a person’s life. You could have just one story that expresses how you see yourself and your journey through time.

It may not even take the form of a specific tale or recollection. Instead, in a paragraph, you might explain how your life has progressed and who you are.

Perhaps you think you are lucky or unlucky. Maybe you see yourself as a “mover and a shaker.”  Do you imagine a handsome and suave (or beautiful and charming) soul as you look in the mirror? Or someone lazy or hardworking or resilient or weak or God-fearing?

But even if there is no yarn attached to the qualities you ascribe to yourself, the character traits you claim are still central to how you see yourself, something you refer to in quiet contemplation.

Nor does the story or characteristic have to be true. It just has to be something that you believe is true.

Dr. Stein: The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Ourselves
Photo and quote by Tamara Kulish
Available on Fine Art America

The stories I used to tell myself about who I was were based on the mental and physical abuse I had gone through. When something happened my inner voice would kick in and I’d start to tell myself “You loser, you can’t do anything right, you’re always going to fail because that’s your lot in life”, which of course triggered long bouts of depression. I became very anxious about messing things up – again – because I’d tear myself down each time.

One day it dawned on my that I really didn’t LIKE myself, at all. I looked at where that came from and I realized that I had internalized all the abuse to mean that I was unworthy of anything good in my life and I had convinced myself that the reason why so many things went badly in my life was because I was actually self-sabotaging anything good, because I never truly believed I was WORTHY of it.

Yes, I desperately WANTED things to work out well for myself that I’d keep trying and trying, over and over to make something work, but then SOMETHING would happen to torpedo my efforts. It was mind-shattering to realize that I had self-sabotaged so often, because my inner story about myself was so very dark. It was a very negative cycle to be in.

When I came to this profound understanding of myself, I looked at the source of where those dark thoughts about myself came from, and I saw that my abuser was doing this to EVERYONE, not just me! That’s when I had a glimmer of understanding. If my abuser was wrong about those other people, could she possibly have been wrong about me too? I realized yes, that was entirely possible!

It is possible to change how we see ourselves and how we speak to ourselves!

Photo and quote by Tamara Kulish
Available on Fine Art America

I will warn you, it is gut-wrenchingly difficult work! I speak about it in both of my books, as well as in many of my posts. Below are links to the 3 main pages, where I have organized posts into categories to help folks find what they may need.

In Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain we look at:

  • Rewiring our Brains!
  • Mental Health
  • Mental Health Affirmations
  • Anxiety and Depression

Positive thoughts and Affirmations is a full page of links to positive thoughts and affirmations!

In Healing and Developing Ourselves we look at:

  • Improving our sense of self
  • Building trust in the Universe and our Higher Power
  • Love
  • Happiness and positive lists
  • Gratitude and Peace of Mind
  • Forgiveness: the power it brings to our minds
  • Anger and Anger Management
  • Some thoughts to help you grow into your higher self
  • Making Life Changes
  • Living a Full Life!
  • Positive thoughts inspired by Memes!
  • Relationships with others and ourselves
  • Creativity/ Writing/ Art
  • Wonderful Quotes
  • Fitness and Health
  • Spiritual Shifts/ World Views

Now that I have come out of the other side of the tunnel, I feel it is my mission to share what I have learned. We are entering the winter and holiday months, a time where many people struggle even more with physical and mental health issues. If you need a pick-me-up or something to kick-start your own healing journey, I hope you will visit the above pages and just poke around!

Here’s a quote from Esoterica on existential ergonomics, where she introduces me to her readers:

The next questions is from Tamara who blogs at Tamara Kulish, where she gently helps readers rebuild their self-worth and faith, without judgment. Tamara’s posts are often philosophical and thought-provoking, promoting personal development and empowerment. She’s a ray of sunshine and the encouraging nudge we each need to have a little faith in ourselves.”

Esoterica on existential ergonomics

Remember this: the universe loves you and is working things out on your behalf! It doesn’t happen by itself though!

You don’t have to worry about setting up a “plan of action”, just follow your gut, see what feels right, sit with new thoughts for a bit, practice suspending judgement of yourself, and find something positive to say to yourself that you can believe!

I believe in you! You’ve got this!

More good thoughts:

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Merch: click on each to see available items

click to see all Merch
click to see all Merch

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

Please Buy me a coffee to continue writing!

My books: Now available through Walmart.com!

Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks,    Anger Journal,    Guided Anxiety Journal    Joy & Mindfulness Journal     My Boundaries Journal   My Inner Thoughts Journal   

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40 thoughts on “Changing how we speak to ourselves”

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  14. Thanks Tamara for this post, the realisation that what negative things we say about ourselves isn’t true is so powerful.

    Whenever I started negative self-talk I began calling out my subconscious when I did it. Saying “What you talking about you’re doing awesome / your trying and improving” made so much difference.

    My most powerful lesson was the view- if a friend talked to you the way you talk about yourself, would you stay friends with them. With realisation the answer was no I knew I had to become my own supportive friend.

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    1. It is so powerful isn’t it? I never would have thought that changing the way I spoke to myself could make such a difference in my life, but it shifted things so much! I was astounded, and now I share this message as often as I can! Kudos to you for making those shifts yourself! Each year that goes by, we will keep getting better at it! Happy New year to you and yours!

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  16. Thank you so much for all the helping healing words and lessons you share, throughout the year. And the laughs too! Greatly appreciated. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season and best wishes on your book project. 😊🙏🏻

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    1. Thanks so much for the amazing thoughts Michele, I appreciate your words! Wishing you a wonderful holiday season as well!

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  17. Thanks for sharing your experiences and what you’ve learned here – this one really spoke to me.

    I can definitely see how some of the beliefs I hold towards myself affect the way I live my life – moving it in the opposite direction of what I want. Then I look out and think “see see my beliefs are true” – but like you said there was a self-fulfilling prophecy going on.

    There is a lot of vulnerability required to really step outside of those beliefs, a lot of fear you’ll put yourself out there only to be struck down (and negative beliefs reaffirmed).

    You have to hold strong, and really deeply reflect what different events truly mean (as opposed to seeing only what you fear and sending you back into those old harmful self beliefs).

    I’m so happy you were able to do that hard work, and free yourself to live as you! ❤️

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    1. Thanks so much for you supportive words and praise! Yes, it is quite jarring to come to see that subconsciously we may be contributing to our own misery! That’s not to say that we’re completely at fault, for we internalize what has been said to us or how we were treated, and then we continue the self-abuse because we somehow need to believe we deserved it, otherwise why would the people who are supposed to love us treat us so terribly?

      That kind of pretzel logic keeps us in that cycle. Breaking free is a radical act of rebellion! Being fiercely kind when we speak to ourselves not only is caring, but it is also healing our damaged spirits!

      Teaching yourself to like yourself is foundational to stopping the self-sabotage! Blessing for the New Year! May you practice speaking kindly and gently to yourself! Suspending judgement is a critical part of this process too!

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  18. Brilliant way to summarize the work in each of your books, Tamara. I love your idea that healing is retraining the brain. You have done the work and are so gracious to share it!

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  19. This journey is a very profound gift, all of it. Good, bad and in between so that we can indeed see all of us…and want that change it shows us. Understand the path we are taking and dare to go beyond it, become that love and happiness we ever seek. I no longer see the bumps because I now understand they too are needed, so that I can see who I am and want to go beyond that place I am holding within myself. And know that I can step beyond these things because in many ways I have already done it. Fear…yes, it does have a purpose…so we know what is there and wish to go further, reach that love and happiness our heart years…and become it. Thank you kind lady, and a Merry Christmas to you and yours. May it fill you with that love and happiness 😀❤️🙏🎄🎅

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    1. Thanks Mark, wishing you a happy holiday time and many blessings! Indeed, the journey becomes easier when we work on our healing! Instead of the suffering and pain we can experience peace and joy!

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    1. It took me many years, but I’m grateful to have learned those important soul lessons. I suppose it’s because of that struggle that I keep sharing, so newcomers may find support and help!

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  22. “It is possible to change how we see ourselves and how we speak to ourselves!” Yes, yes, yes!!! Beautifully stated, and so true. I also learned to shift from the negative self-talk to more positive (or at least neutral) words and it makes such a difference.

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    1. I never thought it possible before, nor did I realize how much difference it would make. Now that I’ve seen it, I can’t stop sharing this!

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