As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!

As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!

Tamara Kulish

Like many of you, I came from an abusive past where I was severely damaged emotionally, physicallyu and spiritually.

I parented my mother, boundaries were crossed or non-existent, shame and blame were used as currency in everyday conversations, and underneath it all, a victim mentality held it all together.

My mother sadly proclaimed that she was powerless over the way she was because of how she herself had been raised. She blamed her mother for not only all her areas of damage which created co-dependency in her relationships, but also for her out of control temper and her inability to speak kindly without also giving an insult.

I know she carried a lot of inward shame, and that she projected outwardly what she was feeling inside of herself.

This kind of role model had me following the victim mentality too for my early adult years. While I was still a teenager, I had determined for myself that I wouldn’t be like her, so I read many types of self-help books over the years. I was able to choose my behavior towards others so I didn’t follow her patterns, but in spite of all the reading and the inner work I did, I still struggled with not feeling happy but instead was anxious and depressed.

When I heard or read things like “we need to love ourselves” I’d cringe inwardly. I just didn’t know how to do that!

I had not only internalized all the negative things which were said to me in my life, but I had become very, very proficient at telling myself those things when events in my life weren’t working out. Then I ended up internalizing my own negativity towards myself, so that over the years it grew and grew.

It didn’t take much to trigger me to start speaking harshly and unkindly towards myself, which in turn led me to become more and more anxious and depressed.

One day I decided I wanted to change all that. I decided I wanted to teach myself to LIKE myself!

Speaking positively to myself was VERY difficult in the beginning; so difficult it almost made my skin crawl!

Speaking positively to myself was VERY foreign to my spirit! I had to start saying very general and light things, so I could believe myself! Gentle things like “Always believe that wonderful things can happen!

While in the beginning I didn’t feel comfortable saying nice things to myself, I found over time I was able to handle it better and better, so I could bring up the positive phrases a notch or two and say more specific thoughts to myself.

Over the course of a few weeks, I started to notice subtle shifts in my inner thought patterns; I no longer was automatically jumping in to say harsh things to myself, I became better able to suspend that inner judgement!

I also found that I was BELIEVING myself more and more when I said something kind to myself!

(I still find myself at odd times feeling a little resentful or jealous over the success I see someone else in a similar life situation, but I see that I still have deeper work to do to deal with my own sense of inadequacy! As deeply as we work, there can still be more lying beneath the surface. Louise Hay wrote about that too, about the need to keep working on childhood messaging, even quite late into her life.)

Lastly, I noticed I was starting to feel more positive overall in my life! I was becoming more and more open to the concept that good things could happen to me too!

I was feeling more and more positive about life in general!

Rewiring our brains takes time and persistence! Our old inner tapes constantly want to kick in, but over time they do fade away, while the new messages take stronger and deeper roots!

Even if all you’re able to do right now is to say “I think I might be an okay person”, that’s still a start!

Find a positive thought which you can believe and hold onto that! Then add another, then another!

You can do this!

Here’s some thoughts which can be helpful:

Always believe that wonderful things can happen!

Things are being worked out for the best!

By changing our inner dialogue, we change EVERYTHING!

Even after a setback or negative experience, we can create a “reset” button in our minds!

If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.

Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara
https://tamarakulish.com/ Archived Posts: https://tamarakulish.com/archived-posts/

My books: Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audio book available!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks,    Anger Journal,    Guided Anxiety Journal    Joy & Mindfulness Journal     My Boundaries Journal   My Inner Thoughts Journal   

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13 thoughts on “As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!

    1. 😊 I have discovered that being kind with ourselves is foundational to many other good things! I work on practicing forgiveness so I don’t live with resentment and bitterness, for those emotions take away my ability to feel peace and joy!

      Forgetting… that isn’t always a wise thing to do if the person hasn’t changed or has no ability or intention of doing so!

      ‘Forgiveness while remembering’ allows us to live our lives peacefully but it also allows us to set our boundaries and not place ourselves under someone else’s feet to walk on!

      When I was in 2 fundamentalist churches I was always told to forgive and to turn the other cheek, which essentially tells the victims to stay in their abusive situations and not make any changes! I believe that is actually very unloving towards the victims, for we all deserve to be treated with respect and love!

      I’m not sure if that’s the direction you were going in when you said forgive and forget, but I suppose that’s the big lesson I learned for myself!

      Blessings!

      Like

      1. Rereading what you say, I don’t find anything to disagree with. No one should allow themselves to continue to be in an abusive situation or relationship and forgive and forget each abuse.

        However I have known people who have what seems to be an extreme memory, recalling and re-experiencing unkind or cruel words actions from 20, 30 or more years in the past. Here I can see a kindness to yourself to forgive and forget. Be in a safe place first so you view this from a loving distance.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I totally get what you’re saying! I too have seen and experienced people with very long memories. To me that says that they haven’t worked through the forgiveness they need to in order to have peace in their hearts. Perhaps this is part of their own defense mechanism to protect themselves against more hurts, but it ends up perpetuating the hurts for in their remembering (and throwing it up in peoples faces years later), shows they see the person as capable of hurting them again, even willfully, so that adds to the layers of initial hurt. Reliving the pain from years ago, as though it happened yesterday keeps us from moving forward because we are so anchored to it that it becomes part of our identity, but not in a way that is helpful to ourselves or to others!

          Forgiveness is a long process with many layers! I know from experience that there’s anger from feeling emotionally betrayed, infilled expectations and underneath it is a fear that it happened because we may have deserved it or are unworthy of better!

          There’s a lot to unpack mentally and emotionally when going through the steps, and not everyone is able to or has the skills to look at each of the emotions hidden beneath the surface! I guess this is why it can come bubbling out even years later!

          Like

  1. “Understand that place where we feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and see the truth of the pain it causes us as a child and how we bring it into our adult lives is that key to our freedom.”

    Your words touched me deeply! You are sooo right! As I walk along my healing path and keep delving deeper, I find I can have deep compassion for my inner child and also for my mother, who still struggles with her own inner child.

    I believe that when we can have compassion we can release our resentments we may have been holding onto for years and we can recognize the unspoken expectations we may place on others!

    If others treat us in the same way we were once treated as children, we can choose not to include them in our inner circle. We can’t change them, we can only change our responses to them!

    Learning to like and even to love ourselves changes so much! It changes not only how we see ourselves, but how we relate to others!

    Thanks so much for sharing your insight and wisdom! I deeply appreciate your words!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was great to just be able to comment. There are many sites that I cannot comment on, I’m just blocked. Yours is one of them, I have left so many replies but they just ‘disappear’ into the ethers. I was amazed that this went through, it must have had some meaning…for us both. Have faith in your journey dear lady, when you finally see your heart among the flotsam of life you will understand that it all does have great purpose, there are no bad journey. Yes, very hard and painful ones but they are required to find us. Otherwise if it was easy we would never appreciate anything that we do.
      Just a side note to the first comment, our parents are who they are because they also have ‘their’ parents bits unintentionally passed onto them as they grew up. We are all individual in our circumstances but that ‘unintentional upbringing’ is because our parents haven’t resolved their ‘stuff’ as we are brought up and it is, in its own way for us, passed on. And on and on it goes. I asked Spirit one day that if this can be resolved and break that cycle we would all be free. Bringing something into schools at a very young age to help them break free of whatever pain they were in. I was given two things to contemplate. One, me trying to tell a parent that they are bringing their children up wrong (can you imagine being told that at your first school meeting?), and the second was…it actually is our entire purpose of being here, to find us among it all, to endure much hardship (and good stuff), so that we can appreciate who we are, understand who we are and through it all, and as all hard journeys do, build a love and compassion from this very hard but in hindsight, very beautiful path that will be the making of us.
      Hopefully our next life will be a rest, on a beach in the Maldives somewhere just enjoying the sunshine…mind you, probably bored to tears 😀
      Anyway Tamara, may your journey, as hard as it is, be known for the love that is truly behind it all ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow! I truly appreciate the time and effort you have put into answering me and for being persistent in trying to get a comment to post! I have heard this from someone else too and have triple checked all my settings. As far as I can see comments are enabled on all posts and pages and I don’t see what could be creating the barrier!

        You are so very right in determining why our parents are the way they are as well as our life purpose here on earth! As difficult as my childhood and youth was, I set out not only to heal but to also be able to break that generational cycle. I see that my relationship with my daughter is vastly different and she in turn is raising her kids much healthier than I was able to do for her! I see that the changes have gone deep because I hear her saying some of the things I said to her!

        I have given copies of both of my books to my mother, as I don’t see myself as being the one who can help her heal and change her thoughts and actions, but that it needs to start from her and maybe she can gain support from someone in her community. (We live around 1,500 miles apart.)

        My current mission is to keep sharing my experiences and lessons with others, giving encouragement and support for people to find their inner abilities to heal and to grow!

        We are all waves of the same ocean, so everything we do can help another!

        Thanks so very much for sharing with me, and I hope we can continue to converse in future posts now that you’ve broken through the barriers! 🌸🌸😎😎

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Your doing well dear lady, we can only give out what we are and it all teaches…us and others. I’ll keep trying to comment but with most it is blocked fully, but like now, if I persist, it will allow the occasional one through. My site, and I have chopped and rebuilt it 50 times at least, has blocked many people from commenting or even liking my posts. I think it has a virus too 🤣. It is quite frustrating to say the least, maybe I’m being guided elsewhere…the Maldives? lol 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 😂 🤣

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post dear lady, and the key was finding what upset me the most from others. In all my relationships there was always one way that would upset me profusely. And it was in going into it and finding that childhood ‘way of being’ that eventually set me free. Understand that place where we feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and see the truth of the pain it causes us as a child and how we bring it into our adult lives is that key to our freedom. Initially it just feels horrible each time we touch it in our search, we reach a dead end and for the life of us cannot see the answer…but that is only because as a child our only defense to this pain was to block, emotionally block what causes it. So each time it ever raised its head we just built our walls higher and higher. Now we have to knock it down and in behind it is that pain we dare not look at, we have to admit to ourselves that there is something even there. And as we stumble around to break us free we will one day ‘touch’ that inner truth, and in a profound shock at its discovery we will burst into tears, a child’s tears of that ‘thing’ we have ever carried on our backs, that toil of emotional pain equivalent to the weight of the world…will explode and set us free. Ever after changed forever…beautifully, appreciatively changed beyond its ability to ever affect us again. And within its understanding will be something else, something very profound…that understanding will finally show us ‘why’ we felt so negative to ourselves all of our life, and in seeing that truth its power over us will dissolve into nothing, it has forever lost its power over us and we will be changed in that knowledge. Now for the first time we can be what we want to be, no longer hindered by those doubts of before but a truth and integrity…a love that we had denied ourselves can now blossom freely, openly and begin the creation of something new, that path that is us…unconditionally us as those conditions we had placed on ourselves fade away…forever ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

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