Truly, we beat ourselves up for things that others would never even think about, let alone berate us for, and we often hold ourselves up to damned near impossible standards.

People who dislike themselves but try to hide it display these 11 behaviors by Catherine Winter

Years ago I discovered I didn’t like myself very much, but I thought it would be impossible to learn to like myself. It was so normal to speak harshly and cruelly to myself, that it didn’t occur to me that even though I didn’t like myself, that I could be any other way, for I had truly internalized what had been said to me and how I had been treated.

I came from a background of extreme criticism, so I internalized it and it became part of my self-talk. I could always find faults that no one had even thought of, and used them to beat myself into depression. Criticism is so very destructive when it is done in a negative and hurtful way.

Suspending judgement was my bridge to learning to become more positive oriented. When a negative habit has been ingrained for so long it can be very difficult to comprehend how it sneaks its so many aspects of life, and how we can become self-sabotaging to keep that narrative going. Changing how we speak to ourselves,
Do you like or loathe the person you see in the mirror? How does one go about changing the loathing into liking?

Moving towards choosing to see the good stuff has enabled me to completely rewire my brain and its old go-to thoughts. Brain Rewiring. Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be. Habit Power: We are what we repeat

“Focus more on the people who inspire you rather than annoy. You’ll get much further in life.” – Kristen Butler

I used to get irritated with people who spoke about gratitude, happiness, positivity and affirmations. They seemed so fake, because they were so far out of the “normal” things and thought processes that was my world.

Once I stepped through the portal myself, I saw there was so much merit and solidity to it that I had never seen before. It’s a rough, scary process, but the bumpy journey is totally worth it!

Here are some common behaviors that people who don’t like themselves engage in, that you might also be doing, according to People who dislike themselves but try to hide it display these 11 behaviors by Catherine Winter:

1. Self-Sacrifice – (to an extreme) “Since they can’t drum up any feelings of pride for themselves, they try to appear noble in action so others will take pity on them and value them for their martyrdom.”
   
   Check, I did this, always putting other’s needs way ahead of my own to the point of exhaustion and self obliteration, but oh, I could feel smug in my feeling of martyrdom. I thought others didn’t see what I was doing, but yes, they did, and I got called out on it. My first thoughts were “They’re just jealous that they can’t do what I’m doing” but the reality was they saw what it was doing to me, to my health and they were concerned. Some were even resentful, angry even with me, that I needed to always show them up, but I was doing it to feel visible for good things instead of invisible.
   
2. Unnecessary Spending – “A person might have a collection that they add to whenever they have cash to play with, or they’ll go on shopping sprees in the hope that maybe, just maybe, this new stuff will be the magical key to making them feel fulfilled instead of hollow and full of shame and self-hatred. Some people even choose to spend great gobs of money on other people to try to prove that they’re worth being liked. This can alienate the very people they’re trying to get close to, as there aren’t many who feel comfortable being barraged with “stuff,” especially if it’s expensive.”
   
   Welp, I’ve done that too. I’d justify a lot of my spending, saying that since I was buying from thrift stores that I was doing good for the environment, all good as we know, but I was just buying too much. Now I try to buy only if I really love something, not because it’s a bargain and “I’m being such an astute and thrifty shopper!”
   
3. Isolation – “A lot of people who wallow in self-loathing tend to isolate themselves. Sometimes it’s because they feel like they don’t truly belong in any social group and everyone around them hates them anyway… So instead of feeling like a stranger, alienated and alone even in a group, they’ll hide away alone instead. If invited out, they’ll consider it to be pity, and may convince themselves that nobody else understands them, and they’ll just spend time alone, at home, wishing things were different, but not doing anything to make that a reality.”
   
   I can’t say I’ve done that in all situations, but there were definitely some where I felt “out of my league” so I stayed away.
   
4. Acquiescence – “The person who despises themselves and their life circumstances may just “lie back and take it” instead of doing anything about it. They may complain bitterly about the hand they’ve been dealt, but if given the chance to actually improve their circumstances, they choose to be passive and just keep taking it instead.”
   
   I’ve definitely gone through times where I felt powerless to change anything in my life, until I was faced with life-changing circumstances, and then I needed to. That showed me, yes, I could change my life, and for the better. I had just felt so paralyzed by the fear that I couldn’t do it, that I’d tell myself I would fail at it, because, well, that’s what I was good at.
   
5. Under- or Over-Eating – “Many people who struggle with self-disgust punish themselves with food: either by not eating enough of it, or binging. Those who deny themselves food often feel like they don’t deserve the nourishment, or they’ll deny themselves everything except foods they dislike as a sort of punishment for even existing. Those who overeat do so in order to feel shame later: it’s a solid excuse for despising themselves.”
   
   I did that. I became an anorexic, because I felt it was the only thing in my life I could control at the time. My anorexia led me to use extreme exercise to burn up calories, and that in turn led me to developing chronic Shingles, because my body never got to properly rest from being ill. Additionally, I had people telling me the Shingles was all of my own making, that I needed to just “pull myself together”.
   Confessions of a Former Anorexic
   CBD and Shingles
   “Keep your energy in a bottle” – advice I received during chronic illness
   Honor the temple that houses you!
   The skinny trend… going to any extreme is unhealthy… What anorexia taught me about recovery…
   
6. Physical Neglect – “People may stop bathing regularly, stop brushing their hair or teeth, wear the same clothes to sleep in that they wore during the day, etc. They stop caring about their physical appearance, and neglect even the basics of personal hygiene… not necessarily because they truly don’t care, but because they may feel like they don’t deserve to look or feel “good.”
   
   I can’t say that I got into physical neglect, for I always felt so judged, however I did struggle with spending money on myself for self-care. I had to wait until I was practically bent over with pain before going for a therapeutic massage, or I’d feel so GUILTY about the money I’d spent.
   
7. Defeatism – ““Why bother trying, I’m just going to suck at it anyway.” “I’m going to fail at this.” “This isn’t going to work.” Negative self-talk like that sets a person up for failure, which reinforces their sense of disgust and shame.”
   
   Yup, those thoughts sound familiar, until I replaced them with “Why not, what have I got to lose?” If I didn’t have much to lose, I’d do it, and then my successes helped me to staircase my successes.
   
8. Hostility Towards Perceived “Threats” – “Everything is a threat to the small piece of comfort they may have dug for themselves, and they’ll freak out if anything threatens that, even in theory.”
   
   When we live with criticism for many years, we develop a survivalist radar to try to pre-emptively weed out anything that may attack or demean us. We know our self-worth is low and even raw, so we do our best to protect ourselves from any further damage. In so doing, we may end up pushing people and opportunities away from ourselves, in order to maintain our safety cocoon.
   
9. Substance Abuse – “Intoxicants can work wonders to numb uncomfortable or unwanted emotions, and they have the added benefit of making the user feel absolutely horrible the next day.”
   
   Not everyone uses substances to abuse themselves, some of us co-dependents get adjacent to substance abuse by forming relationships with addicts or alcoholics. I certainly did that. Could you be a “Co-dependent” and not know it?
   
10. Relationship Sabotage – “Since a lot of people who dislike themselves feel that they don’t deserve love, or beauty, or kindness, or anything other than a kick to the stomach when they’re already down, many of them will sabotage their relationships in order to keep others from getting too close to them. They might neglect or be physically abusive toward their partners, or cheat on them, or just mistreat them in general… and then when the partner leaves, they feel justified in their behavior because hell, they left, didn’t they? Some self-loathers will even go so far as to abandon and ghost their partners, even if they really love them and want to be with them. The rationale being that they’d rather take charge and hurt on their own terms, than risk being surprised and hurt when their loved ones eventually left them. Some even consider that kind of abandonment to be a noble gesture: they feel that since they will inevitably end up hurting those they love, it’s somehow better for them to set their loved ones “free.” Free from the hurt they might, possibly inflict.”
    
    I tend to write a lot about these issues, they hit home. I certainly did my share of lashing out in anger. I felt so justified by my perception of the situation that I leaned into my anger.
    13 Signs of Serious Anger Issues (you may not think yours are all that bad!)
    Why venting anger just makes us angrier, and ways to deal with it.
    Everyday is a new beginning. Take a deep breath, smile, and START AGAIN.
    The power of stepping away!
    16 Phrases People Use When They’re Angry Inside but Don’t Want to Show It, (and how to move beyond.)
    How to predict if a relationship will be difficult
    Why we’re so attracted to people who end up abusing us
    Reality-show syndrome has changed how we interact and what we find acceptable behavior in others
    What is Toxic Femininity? Is it similar to Toxic Masculinity?
    See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see.
    People generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for.
    
11. Refusal To Get Help – “Sadly, one of the greatest hallmarks of self-loathing is the refusal to get any kind of help. A person who is mired in this kind of mindset has a tendency to brush off any suggestion of the sort, because they “know” that it won’t help. That nothing will help. That any attempt they make will fail, and all therapists and counselors will just put them on meds (which they feel won’t help) or pretend to listen to their problems, so there’s just no point. It may almost seem like they enjoy their misery on some level: they find a type of comfort in self-pity and self-hatred, and wouldn’t know who they would be without all of that negativity. They might even be afraid that if they free themselves from it, it would just be a temporary fix and would then come back again with a vengeance… so it’s better to just keep plodding on while it’s at a level they consider to be manageable, regardless of how devastating it is. This refusal to get help is one of the very reasons why those close to the self-loather end up frustrated, and eventually defeated by their behavior. You can’t help a person who isn’t willing to help themselves, and no amount of reassurance or unconditional love will force a person to get the help they need.”
    
    I found it difficult to get help, I was afraid of opening myself up, afraid that I’d only get more criticism heaped on me, because that had already happened in my past. When I did realize I needed to heal, I rationalized going it alone and doing it myself, because the fear of rejection and being criticized was still too much for my fragile self to handle.
    
    If that rings true with you, I understand completely. While I try to encourage people to seek help, I do understand that sometimes we still feel to raw to be able to risk reaching out. If this is you, please read my supportive posts to help get you shored up. When you’re ready, you’ll be able to ask for the help you need.

If you’re seeing yourself in a few of the above points (and are feeling triggered), BREATHE.

You’re not under attack!

You too have the power to slowly change how you see yourself and to slowly change your life. If you’re feeling triggered, I highly suggest taking baby steps. No need to do anything drastic!
Baby steps start the whole change happening!
You are allowed to be both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress, simultaneously.
Gentle ways to start setting boundaries
Baby steps serve a purpose to allow us to keep moving forward!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Some additional thoughts:

• A new you! Is this possible?
• On Comparing Ourselves to others…
• Fall in love with taking care of yourself
• Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy
• Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself
• God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know… it’s me.
• By being yourself you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before!
• It is always an inside work. It starts within us
• No matter how long you’ve traveled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around
• The most important spiritual growth doesn’t happen when you’re meditating or on a yoga mat.
• You are allowed to be both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress, simultaneously.
• As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!
• By changing our inner dialogue, we change EVERYTHING!
• Loving Ourselves… means we don’t always put ourselves LAST!
• Never lower your standards just because you are lonely. It is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong person.
• Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.
• It’s never too late to teach ourselves!
• Don’t speak negatively about yourself!!
• Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything you are.
• Creating Mindful Distance of Thoughts… what’s that?

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

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