These come from the article “16 Phrases Men Use When They’re Angry Inside But Don’t Want to Show It” by Piper Ryan, and since I found so many apply to women too, I changed my title to “people”.

Relationships are very difficult to navigate, and it seems that post-pandemic and during turbulent political times, the collective anger is much, much higher than it was even a few years ago.

We haven’t been taught how to discuss topics and situations that trigger our anger, and more commonly we assume that anger is wrong, so we try to stuff it down, but unresolved anger doesn’t want to be stuffed down, it is a signal that something isn’t working the way we think it should be and we want to make changes but don’t necessarily know how.

According to the article, here are the 16 phrases (provided by PsychLove) that signal your loved one is struggling with an issue, is feeling anger and even resentment, but doesn’t know how to discuss it with you in a way where either or both of you will react strongly to what they need to say.

1. “Do what you want.”
2. “I’m just joking.”
3.  “It’s not you, it’s just been a long day.”
4.  “I’m just being realistic.”
5. “You always do this.”
6. “I’m just saying…”
7.  “Do I look angry to you?”
8. “I’m fine.”
9. “Whatever.”
10. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
11. “I just need some space.”
12. “Let’s just drop it.”
13. “I’m just tired.”
14. “It is what it is.”
15. “I’m just thinking.”
16. “I don’t care.”

Of course, it’s all too easy to get defensive and rebuff this type of response, even get angry in return, but that’s not going to help either person and even may set the stage for further damage to the relationship.

So then, what to do?

According to “4 Tips on Managing Anger in a Relationship” by Boris Herzberg, we can “learn to express anger in constructive ways to turn it into a positive force”. How?

• Don’t suppress anger, but make sure it’s manageable.
• Acknowledge the presence of anger and its origin.
• Practice saying “no” to establish boundaries and prevent anger.
• Make anger the starting point for change by turning it constructive.

Even though anger gets a bad rap, it can be a good starting point for change. Anger is a sign that an individual no longer wants to put up with something they don’t like. Thus, anger can be very constructive. It can mobilize you for something useful and mobilize you as a couple for a joint change. After all, anger serves as an indicator that some things need to change and are no longer tolerated by the person who experiences this emotion. Constructive anger gives a lot of power and energy. It can help one gather and direct force into something new. It converts irritation into doing. The key is to transform destructive anger into constructive energy, facilitating new changes in life.

In conclusion, you can find a lot of different advice when you begin to feel angry, such as deep breathing, meditation, exercise, or just simply removing yourself from a situation or conversation. However, the efficacy of these methods within a relationship is very limited if the anger is not accepted by the couple. If anger is not accepted within a relationship it tends to grow and if it’s accepted and respected, it diminishes. I believe that dealing with anger is one of the most important skills that any couple can acquire. People tend to take a partner’s anger personally, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Anger can be thought of as a very personal form of expression and something that conceals very intimate emotions and vulnerability, which, once revealed, improves the relationship for both partners.

4 Tips on Managing Anger in a Relationship

How to turn anger into something constructive instead of destructive in a relationship? In “How to Make Anger Work for Your Relationship” by Tasha Seiter MS, PhD, LMFT, we can “learn how to use your anger to help, not hurt, your relationship.”

That looks something like this:

• Anger has an important survival function, and it often shows up in our closest relationships the most.
• Vulnerable feelings underlie anger in close relationships, but the way people express anger often prevents them from getting their needs met.
• Introspecting and unpacking the emotional experience of anger can help people express anger in a helpful way.

Anger often shows up in our closest relationships the most. This is because, as humans, our attachment bonds are extremely important to us—we are all very sensitive to threats to our relationships as well as sensitive to threats to our sense of self as worthy of relationships. The threat of disconnection from close others can give us a sense of our very survival being threatened. 

How to Make Anger Work for Your Relationship

Getting in touch with our anger and the underlying causes is a journey in itself, and not easily handled just by reading a few articles.

It’s going to take introspective work since many of our anger issues stem from unresolved issues from our pasts, even going back to our childhoods. This can trigger our fears, which connect to our vulnerabilities, and often we mask ourselves, so we won’t appear to be weak to others, or risk having our needs ignored or rebuffed. Unresolved fears and issues from our pasts can continue to create a lens that we see the world through.

Our current anger can be very real, stemming from current issues, and when we find ourselves triggered into profound anger, even rage, its healthy to take a step back and ask ourselves, “Where is this coming from?”

It can be quite startling to discover that our anger is out of proportion to the current situation, but because of our past experiences, our fears of being thrust once more into the same sort of experience juices up our adrenalin so we react adamantly in an unhealthy self-protection that becomes aggressive towards our perceived perpetrator.

Until we work on healing those past issues and learning that we’re safe, they will continue to surface and create adversarial situations, because our fears have not been worked through.

It’s scary to say to our partner, “When you say such and such, I fear ______” because we all fear rejection to some degree or another.

Our fears mask our vulnerabilities and then come out as anger. When we can connect with our fears and vulnerabilities we can then learn to manage our anger in healthier ways, and we can learn to communicate with our partners in positive and constructive ways, instead of using anger, manipulation and passive-aggressiveness which destroys each person in the relationship.

When you do the work to understand your triggers, how you experience anger, and the vulnerable feelings and needs that are underneath the anger, along with the impact of what you do with your anger, you can share with your partner. Sharing in this vulnerable way is the best bet when you want to feel understood and build a secure, intimate connection. Make anger work for your relationship by sharing the core of what it is really about.

To start your journey on learning how to express vulnerability under anger, I recommend Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight

How to Make Anger Work for Your Relationship

If any of what has been said above is reaching out to your heart, do explore it further. Whether it’s to better understand yourself or the people around you, it’s worth it to read more to learn on deeper levels. Do take the time to write out your thoughts to better process them; writing helps our subconscious not only make sense of the thoughts but to absorb them into the fiber of our being to be better able to respond to life.

We don’t need to live with anger. It is possible to dig deeper to discover its roots and then to figure out a plan of action for the next steps of our life.

You may discover that you’d benefit from having a few sessions with a counselor or a therapist to help you walk through the steps you need to take.

There is no shame in reaching out for help. Improving our mental health is vital for our overall well-being!

What are your thoughts about this?

Additional thoughts about Anger and Anger Management

• Why venting anger just makes us angrier, and ways to deal with it.
• Angry judgementalism is tearing us all apart!
• Internet shaming is more than repressed anger; there’s everyday Sadism underlying it.
• “Telling it like it is”, it’s hurting us all…
• What is the purpose of an Anger Journal, and why you need one!
• Everyday is a new beginning. Take a deep breath, smile, and START AGAIN.
• The power of stepping away!

Changing the cycle:

• Brain Rewiring
• Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.
• Habit Power: We are what we repeat
• It’s easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk and change.
• You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that.
• Changing our thoughts and habits Part 1: how does it physically work in the brain?
• Changing our thoughts and habits Part 2: how does it physically work in our body?
• Accepting and Embracing the Depressed Side of Ourselves
• The Power of Positive Words!
• It turns out this isn’t as woo-hoo as I thought it was!
• Challenge: When a negative thought enters your mind, think three positive ones. Train yourself to flip the script!
• As you think so shall you be!
• Even after a setback or negative experience, we can create a “reset” button in our minds!
• Turning Poison into Medicine
• Your triggers are your teachers
• Change the tapes!
• Baby steps serve a purpose to allow us to keep moving forward!
• Baby steps start the whole change happening!
• Teach ourselves to feel positive in order to see more positive things in our lives!!
• Red Ocean or Blue Ocean? How do you think?
• You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.
• Change how you see and see how you change.
• Make yourself strong!
• WARNING: This post may be triggering! Instead of getting defensive, say, “Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. I’ll consider them.”
• It’s never too late to teach ourselves!
• Don’t speak negatively about yourself!!
• Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything you are.
• Creating Mindful Distance of Thoughts… what’s that?
• The power of words
• Resilience is knowing that YOU are the only one that has the power and the responsibility to pick yourself up
• I do not allow others to influence my thinking unless it is positive or uplifting.
• Every thought we think is creating our future
• Allowing 2 truths to coexist isn’t nuts!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

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