by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Pushing forward after being unfairly or wrongly judged

This post was triggered by my response to Todd Fulginiti in his post “Life Is A Midway Horse Racing Game?” where he shows the parallels of a carnival game and the comments the bystanders make during the race, to how we judge one another in real life.

Quote and meme by Quotes & Sayings

He finishes by urging each of us to remember that none of our “races” are yet finished, and where one appears halfway through may not tell the story of how our lives change, so to please not stand in judgement of one another.

So, what happens if we HAVE been unfairly or wrongly judged in our lives?

I was unfairly judged by many people in my younger years and I’m happy to say, they were wrong about me, and my life is a testament to that. I’m also happy to say that if people were right about me in their judgements, I have changed and have proven those thoughts wrong!

Quote by Lao Tzu

Either way, I’m happy with the outcome, that I didn’t keep believing the negative things they were saying about me and to me.

I think each of us has experienced this to some extent or another. If any of us were unfairly or wrongly judged, I hope each of us will be able to release the memories and stop replaying those recordings in our minds!

When we know we have been unfairly or wrongly judged, what can we do about it?

How we live our lives is more important than anything else.

If we choose to live our lives to follow our own beliefs, dreams and plans, we do more for ourselves that continuing to listen to those old tapes and trying to drown them out, possibly abusing substances, food, people or ourselves, because the pain gnaws at our brains.

The pain results when we feel terribly wronged by being unfairly judged, and we can even feel a sense of abandonment or betrayal by those who are “supposed” to love us and care for us. While we are perfectly justified in feeling those feelings, they do tend to tear us to shreds inside if we continue to focus on them.

This is a grinding point that people tend to nurture, for the continued anger and resentment seems to give us strength to rise above, but in truth, it’s exhausting!

So how do we let go and move forward when we feel so wronged?

We need to let those things go, release them quietly, saying “You do not serve me well, you aren’t the truth I choose to live by”. Maybe this method would be of use to you to release those old lies!

We release those old lies to be able to give ourselves the permission and the freedom to just live our lives, and however we turn out is okay!

If this has triggered you, please check out more of my posts to learn more tidbits to help you become mentally and emotionally healthy and strong!

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Tamara
https://tamarakulish.com/ Archived Posts: https://tamarakulish.com/archived-posts/

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37 thoughts on “Pushing forward after being unfairly or wrongly judged”

  1. Thank you Tamara for this thought provoking post – I’ve enjoyed reading this along with the related links you’ve kindly shared.

    Your post did make me reflect on times I’ve been judged incorrect, the most painful being from when I left my last job, as the accusation that I was “bad mouthing the team to a new starter” seemed way off, and not like me.

    I began to wonder if I was a bit more bitchy and unprofessional than I realised – through personal reflection and speaking to others close to me (colleagues, friends and family alike), I realised this judgement was indeed way off, and I still speculate if it was done to hurt me deliberately by a narcissist boss.

    Reading your post purge by fire, I take appreciation in the advice:
    “Always release people and experiences with love and gratitude, because in my opinion, there’s a reason why you engaged with those people or had specific experiences.”

    – What better way with these situations to learn, and grow stronger from these experiences, than to let let these cowards beat us!

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  3. As someone who has been judged quite a lot, I really enjoyed your post. I have focused a lot of my energy of letting go and moving forward. This doesn’t mean I’ll forget or let toxic people back in. Just that I won’t let things get to me as they used to.

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    1. I’m totally with you on not letting them back in! I’m doing the same thing. No sense in going through all the work of healing just to reset ourselves like bowling pins to be knocked down again! Especially if the other person has not made changes! That’s wisdom!

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        1. Yup! Just because we’ve healed and learned new life skills doesn’t mean they have!

          That took me a long time to learn, mostly because of church messages: turn the other cheek and other BS. Churches are some of the biggest enablers for abusive people to continue doing what they’re doing.

          Those are difficult messaging to butt heads with, because they use guilt so expertly!

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            1. *sigh* that’s sad. I’m happier now since I left organized religion. I get to practice my spiritual beliefs without judgment and decide where I need to grow.

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              1. Same, I practice my beliefs on my own because most people at those institutions don’t even care about the spiritual aspect that much. They like bending the rules to their liking and judge people who are different.

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  4. Like you wrote, I think most of us have experienced being unfairly or wrongly judged. I am no exception. My response has typically been to rise above and not give energy to falsities. I don’t know if this is the most productive or helpful response to bullies, but I have found it best to “walk away” rather than engage. A meaningful topic, Tamara.

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    1. Thanks so much for your input Michele. Yes, rising above and walking away are very good responses. They take away the fuel for more fire!

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        1. Yes, definitely depends on the situation. Sometimes we can engage and other times it is best not to. Life is complicated!

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            1. That’s all we can do! None of us are mind-readers or have been born with the knowledge. It’s very much learn as we go!

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  5. Using the Zen practice of mindfulness, I’m currently working at releasing the old lies that had once held me back from being the best version of myself. Lies that I had long forgotten are resurfacing during the nights when my mind is at rest.

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    1. *sigh* I hear you Rosaliene. Those dark nights are always difficult.

      One example, for years I had the blame for my daughter’s health problems put squarely on my shoulders, yet I knew there was something else wrong apart from the IBS she had been already diagnosed with. It was only this year she was finally diagnosed with Celiac disease, so the vindication came, but decades later. In the meanwhile it was all too common to blame the mother.

      For years all I could do was tell myself that I had done the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time and do my best to let go of the unfair things that had been said to me.

      It is difficult to let go of past words and actions done and said against us when we know in our hearts we have been wronged but we’re powerless at the time to put a stop to it all.

      You are speaking directly to what I was trying to say. Letting go of those emotional hurts years after they have occurred is a work in itself and takes very mindful persistence to root out those old words and dispose of their poison that we have held onto.

      The poison needs to be let go of. What you are doing is powerful! The release of those old wounds does leave a gap for a while, but I have found that when I infuse positive affirmations I to my spirit, I can fill that gap and it heals over quite nicely.

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  8. Dr. Stein makes an interesting point about what is considered unfair treatment. I suspect it goes back to intention, but we can’t truly know whether another’s intention is malicious or coming from a place of helping. Thus, either way, I agree that it’s useful to let go of those criticisms that won’t help us grow and better ourselves. Great thoughts, Tamara!

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    1. You are very right Dr. Stein, truth is not easily determined. I believe that each of us has the right to determine if we have been justly or unjustly treated, and there are so many circumstances in life that do not warrant going before the courts to determine if one has been treated unfairly, for many things are very nuanced.

      For example, many people in my past knew my mother and knew how she behaved and how she treated people. As her daughter many made assumptions about me and assumed that I was just like her, instead of looking closer and getting to know me.

      My daughter had severe IBS when she was young but not all her symptoms fit that illness, and unbeknownst to us she also had Celiac disease, for which she was only finally diagnosed this year.

      Since some of her symptoms didn’t fit with the diagnosis she did have, I was deemed to be the culprit of her other symptoms. The church we were in, her father, and even her doctors were telling her I was responsible for her other symptoms. I always felt there was something else going on with her health, but si ce everyone had made their mind up about me, I was ignored.

      I had to let go of all the terrible and unkind things people said to me, knowing I’d never be seen differently in their eyes, but knowing that their judgements were very harsh and had created division and mistrust between my daughter and I.

      Those are not the kinds of things any court or judge could ever rule on, but those are the kinds of things that we need to let go of in order to live in peace.

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    2. There’s many things that we can release in order to gain peace of mind, for seeking retribution or an apology might never yield the results we want, so letting go of old hurts is much more profitable!

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  9. I don’t doubt you have suffered considerable unfairness, Tamara. Your encouragement to others who report similar experiences is worthwhile.

    I wonder, though, how we judge what is unfairness. We have courts of law, however imperfect, rather than each individual being permitted to determine whether he has or hasn’t been unfairly treated. Very few of us believe the world would be better without the judiciary.

    What is the standard for determining whether we are justified in pointing at others who have harmed us? Similarly, how do we feel when judged to be the ones causing injury?

    Much comment in the blog world includes the phrase “my truth.”

    Life would be simpler if the truth were one easy-to-determine thing, but that is not the time we live in.

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    1. You are very right Dr. Stein, truth is not easily determined. I believe that each of us has the right to determine if we have been justly or unjustly treated, and there are so many circumstances in life that do not warrant going before the courts to determine if one has been treated unfairly, for many things are very nuanced.

      For example, many people in my past knew my mother and knew how she behaved and how she treated people. As her daughter many made assumptions about me and assumed that I was just like her, instead of looking closer and getting to know me.

      My daughter had severe IBS when she was young but not all her symptoms fit that illness, and unbeknownst to us she also had Celiac disease, for which she was only finally diagnosed this year.

      Since some of her symptoms didn’t fit with the diagnosis she did have, I was deemed to be the culprit of her other symptoms. The church we were in, her father, and even her doctors were telling her I was responsible for her other symptoms. I always felt there was something else going on with her health, but si ce everyone had made their mind up about me, I was ignored.

      I had to let go of all the terrible and unkind things people said to me, knowing I’d never be seen differently in their eyes, but knowing that their judgements were very harsh and had created division and mistrust between my daughter and I.

      Those are not the kinds of things any court or judge could ever rule on, but those are the kinds of things that we need to let go of in order to live in peace.

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      1. I appear to have caused misunderstanding, Tamara. I did not intend to suggest courts can or should resolve all differences. Rather, that they demonstrate we cannot always fairly judge ourselves.

        This would include what one person considers fair and justified and another unfair and unjustified. The world is full of people on opposite sides of personal differences, each one feeling his personal truth is unassailable.

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        1. Ah, yes, it does appear that I misunderstood what you were saying. I agree, there really isn’t an arbiter of who is right or wrong with everyone staunchly standing up for their opinion. We see that every day on all types of media.

          I know personally I had to let go of feeling I had been wronged, by helping myself understand that even if everyone was right in saying I was the cause of my daughter’s health issues, I did the best I could with what I knew how to do at the time.

          I had to release the church when they said it was my undisclosed sins that had caused God to correct me through my daughter’s health, I had to let go of my ex husband telling me that I was just too permissive with her, I had to let go of the gastroenterologist telling me and my daughter I had caused her IBS and other symptoms. I had to release all those feelings and just stand up and understand that I did everything in my power that I knew to help her.

          I know that everyone else felt they were right in what they said to me, and I had to let go of the need to figure out who was really right or wrong. I had to come to the understanding that wasn’t the actual issue.

          What I really had to do was to let go of the hurt and the anger over how they spoke to me and treated me, for I ended up getting shunned by the church leaders and the congregation because I was apparently so displeasing to God, that he felt I needed to be corrected and punished through my daughter. Those were the words they told me to explain why they were no longer speaking to me. Those things were what I needed to work on letting go, if I didn’t want to spend the rest of my days chewing myself up inside.

          I feel I’m in a good place now, and write to encourage others to do their inner work so they no longer carry the weight and the anger from what they went through, for I have come to understand it is up to each of us to do this inner work that frees us.

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          1. I thank you deeply and sincerely Dr. Stein for your supportive words.

            The universe sent me incredible help years ago, that aided me to understand. I had 4 psychics approach me during a span of a couple of years when I was struggling to make sense of what had happened and with moving forward. Each one approached me unasked, and said they felt very strongly they had a message to give to me. When I invited them to tell me the message, they were almost identical to each other: that I had agreed to my troubles before I came into this life.

            The 4th was a woman I worked with, so I had more opportunities to ask further questions. I came to understand that this is true for each of us, and we chose our troubles because through them we were to learn lessons and gain knowledge our spirit needed that couldn’t be obtained any other way except for living through the difficulties.

            If I had chosen to go through the troubles I had, then this wasn’t God punishing me, but instead the path my soul needed to travel in order to gain what I needed to. The 4th psychic then told me that my books, (plural) were going to help people. At that time I hadn’t thought of writing about any of what I had gone through, I didn’t even consider myself a writer. Soon after she said that, I went to Finland to sign the contract to publish a bilingual illustrated children’s book. Since I didn’t speak Finnish, the publisher’s son interpreted for us. My publisher wanted to see the photos I had just taken of flowering cacti in the Sonoran Desert around Tucson, AZ, and he suggested I write down my philosophical thoughts and match them to the photos. That project still needs to be completed, but his words gave me permission and validation in front of my second husband to begin writing.

            Not many people receive the messages I had received, so part of my mission now is to share what I learned with others.

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