“Why are you still single?” A feared question that gets asked at family gatherings, and it often elicits feelings of shame or feeling less valuable, even if the person asking may have good intentions, or is just downright nosy.
During the holiday seasons there is amplified pressure to be seen in a couple and the messaging is quite pervasive through movies and media. Why is there so much emphasis placed on being art of a couple, and single people are made to feel as though there’s something wrong with them if they’re not coupled up? So much pressure, that many people will get into a relationship with just about anyone just to not have to be alone.
This is crazy! This is probably a powerful reason why a good number of relationships fail and end in divorce, because people who really don’t belong together get pressured to tie the knot.
I know years ago when my self-worth was almost non-existent, I felt much more compelled to become part of a couple, as if I’d be seen as worthy, because ‘someone’ wanted me! The pressure that pushed me to be part of a couple also pushed me to look the other way when it came to red flags and toxic or unhealthy behavior.
When my self-worth was very low, I didn’t realize that it was that way because I was damaged from the abuses I experienced in my childhood and into adulthood, and that damage had me filtering out every healthy or undamaged person as they didn’t feel right, so the pool of prospects were damaged as I was. That’s not a recipe for success, but for disaster to happen in my relationships, and it certainly did.
The way to have healthy relationships is to work on ourselves, so that we can attract and recognize healthy and healed people.
Working on ourselves takes time, and sometimes we can’t explain that to friends and family at gatherings, we need to explain possible reasons that make sense to them. Let’s look at some possible reasons why we may still be single. (I’m including myself here too.) In Amanda Chatel’s article 13 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, she lists the following:
1. You Refuse to Follow a Timeline
2. You’re Waiting for Someone Worthy
3. You’re Busy Doing Other Things
4. You Don’t Need a Man to Validate You
5. You’re Happy and Thriving Solo
6. You’re Focused on Your Career
7. You’re Investing in Your Friendships
8. You Aren’t Interested in Commitment Phobes
9. Your Confidence Can Be Intimidating
10. You Need to Focus on Yourself First
11. You Don’t Have Time To Date Right Now
12. You’re Enjoying the Single Life
13. You’re Burned Out from Dating Disasters
Plus, I’d like to add one of my own:
14. You’ve worked hard on your healing, developing healthy life skills and a deeper sense of purpose in your life, so you don’t want to settle for just anyone who is convenient, currently available or more interested in you than you are of them. You are willing to wait for someone who is compatible with the whole, healthy person you’ve become!
Developing an inner sense that it’s perfectly fine to be single, and we’re perfectly fine if we choose to be needs to be explored in more depth so we feel comfortable. We need to look at all the above reasons to identify how many apply to us, so we can give more reasonable answers to those who seek to pressure us.
As a twice divorced person, I now know that having internalized that inner pressure certainly led me to continue in the relationships when the healthier me would have walked away.
Singledom is okay. It’s not the end of the world, and it gives us the freedom to develop who we are in ways we might not feel free to do while in a couple. This freedom to grow as a person is also the very thing that will eventually lead us to recognize someone who is on our same path and wavelength, to become a partner who brings much more to the table.
I want to share a supportive message I got from tut.com
I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it played out a zillion times: You’re waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they’ll first notice that look in your eyes. Or perhaps they’ll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots so that you can believe in yourself and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence.
Tut.com
Ahhhhhhhhhhh… Well, your wait is over. That someone is you.
Behold God,
The Universe
If you’re single, keep developing yourself! You don’t have to just keep your head down and occupy your days with working, eating and sleeping. This is the time you get to develop your hobbies and interests. You get to build friendships with people who share the same interests as you – take classes and workshops, join a club, be around people of like mind!
Who knows, maybe through the inner work, connecting with people who share similar interests, the person who is a good match for you will become known!
Here are some supportive post to help you on this journey:
- As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
- Give yourself the love that you deserve and you will receive the love that you deserve
- Awakening is not changing who you are, but discarding who you are not.
- Feeling broken?
- Never underestimate the power of planting a seed!
- If someone has a problem with you…
- The dandelion does not stop growing because it is told it is a weed!
- Be the flawed, QUIRKY, unique, beautiful and MAGICAL person that you are!
- Loving Ourselves… means we don’t always put ourselves LAST!
- Never lower your standards just because you are lonely. It is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong person.
- Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.
- How people treat you is their karma… How you react is yours…
- It is always an inside work. It starts within us
- No matter how long you’ve traveled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around
- Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy
- Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself
- God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know… it’s me.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara
I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/
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Tamara Kulish 
I agree with everything you’ve said here. I have a title in my mind called, “There are other more important things than having a husband,” but I need to get my thoughts together.
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Yes, I’m loving it already! If we feel we need a spouse to be happy or to have a fulfilling life, we’re selling ourselves short. A life partner needs to enhance what we have already built up for ourselves. It is our responsibility to complete ourselves, not someone else’s job. We shouldn’t be a project, nor should our spouse be our therapist. I’m looking forward to reading your post!
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You are absolutely right, singledom is okay, Tamara! I love, “Developing an inner sense that it’s perfectly fine to be single, and we’re perfectly fine if we choose to be needs to be explored in more depth so we feel comfortable. ” Thanks for the list!
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I’m happy this has resonated with you Wynne! Yes, being single is being gle explored more and more as a perfectly viable option for life, so people don’t feel pressured to couple up with someone who really isn’t a good match, just to avoid the once dreaded title of singledom! Now we get to be more mindful about our lives!
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I too have had a past of ups and downs with relationships. I’ve been single now for 4 years and couldn’t be happier. Relationship’s are time consuming and a lot of work. If someone finds their perfect mate, I say good for them. But for me, I’m happy with just me. Great post Tamara.
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Thanks Pennize, I can well understand your sentiment! I’m not interested in dating just anyone, he needs to be someone who has worked on himself and who has developed his own interests and hobbies. Someone who likes to talk about deep stuff, but who is connected to his family and appreciates the people in his life. Bravo for developing your life so you’re happy and fulfilled. If you meet someone, you’re not needing them to “compete you”, but to complement your life you’ve got!
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You’re exactly right. Our happiness is what we make it not what someone else might make it.
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Yes, my thoughts too! 😊
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That second reason is the best reason, in my opinion. Though, from what I hear, it’s harder and harder to find a good person these days because people are so seeped in a culture that puts self-gratification above caring for others.
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I agree with you, that’s certainly my reason! Yes, many people are sidetracked by the “next shiny thing” syndrome and so many are holding out for “something better”. We get duped by the dating apps I to thinking we have way more possibilities than we actually do!
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Ugh. Dating apps. Do people actually look for relationships there or just hook-ups?
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Many say they’re looking for relationships but they seem to move awfully fast, so I’m thinking they want a hookup but don’t want to come out with it straight away!
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Gross. In other words, they’re saying, “I want to use you for my own gratification with the understanding that I’m okay with you just using me too.” Fabulous. Real winners there.
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😝😝exactly! I am part of an online group however where we’re not allowed to message or DM people unless we’ve met at one of their events and the person wants to connect. So there are some genuine people out there still!
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I’m glad to hear that!
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😊
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A very profound thing I found on this journey, and as you quoted…I found me, you know, that love and happiness we ever look for in our lives. And when I finally found it…I was ok. Yes we are designed to intermingle in so many ways, so many depths. And we will attract those that will ask us to ask ourselves…am I ok? And those deeper relationships of love allow us to connect so much deeper…but…to open to another allows us to open to ourselves. And as hard as it may sound, being separated, divorced, or just alone asks us many questions too. They dare us to go even deeper, ask ourselves those questions that are usually in the too hard basket. But in there is that acceptance of us, that ability to lover ourselves…but only if we answer those very questions. Great post Tamara, even if just sometimes being by ourselves is just a rest stop 🤗🥰🦋🎄🎅🎶🎁🕊️🦌☃️❤️🙏
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I like your take on this Mark. Yes, we can benefit from every circumstance, for they allow us to dig deeper to develop ourselves, if we allow ourselves to take those steps. You certainly were able to benefit from taking those steps, and you discovered how to live and care for yourself, no small feat!
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Excellent list by Amanda Chatel, plus your addition. The reasons for remaining single, following my divorce, have changed over the years as I became more self-confident and assertive.
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I definitely understand that! My reasons for staying single have changed slightly, but I am happy to remain so.
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One of the complications of life is that with greater knowledge of the human condition one realizes there are few people who grasp complicated answers involved in such awareness. At that point the individual looking for like-minded companions needs to find a very select and small group of potential friends and lovers who might be capable of “seeing” another.
Indeed, Ecclesiastes thought that with more knowledge came more pain. Sometimes a solo life joined with a few wise and sensitive friend, as you say, is the most satisfying life.
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Those are my conclusions too for my personal life. I find kindred spirits, some who are artistic and some enjoy philosophical chats, and a very few who enjoy both. I’m content with my life, and it would talked a very special man to become part of my inner circle, let alone to be a partner. I’ve met a few wonderful men, but they’re all married, so no romance there!
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