Relationships, any relationships are tricky to navigate when we’re trying to communicate with someone else, and I think, especially difficult in a love-type relationship.

As soon as we start to bond with someone in a deeper love-type, couples relationship, we seem to bring in a whole host of baggage that just doesn’t appear in friendships or casual dating.

Why would that be?

Well, we open ourselves up more. We reveal more of who we are, and we get more vulnerable when we share our hopes and fears.

By doing this, a lot of old baggage we may not even have been aware of starts rearing its head and interfering in how we interact with our partner, how we speak with them and importantly, how we hear and see their words and actions.

We tend to bring in unspoken expectations of how we think the other person should speak to us, behave with us and how they should treat us.

We tend to run a script “If they really loved me, they would just understand what I mean, and what I’m trying to do or say.” Ummm, sorry? As much as we can love someone, NONE of us are mind-readers, and we ALL have different interpretations of the same situation.

When those unspoken expectations are unmet, we feel the deep pain of disappointment. We feel the other person doesn’t love us enough to figure us out. We feel they are betraying us by not saying or doing the things we desire them to.

We don’t always realize that we’re getting aggravated and angry over those unspoked expectations, all we know is we’re fighting with the other person who isn’t getting us, they seem to be twisting our words or misunderstanding our actions, when it is very clear in our own minds what we mean. What is very clear to us can be very muddy to someone else, and vice-versa.

Unspoken expectations that our loved ones will always place our desires and needs first, even before everything or everyone else, can lead to hurt feelings where they take it very personally when they aren’t placed first and foremost.

When the fights start, tempers flare, issues don’t get resolved because each person is now slinging hurtful words at the other so that the other person will feel the inner sting we feel. Sometimes we ad a little extra, so the other person will hurt MORE than us, because hurting sucks, and we don’t want to be to one who feels the most hurt.

Of course, it would be a wonderful world where our loved ones always place our needs and desires above all else, but that isn’t often the reality. In a family there are many individuals, each with their own needs and schedules, so to expect to have one’s needs consistently met may be unrealistic, given how stressed and overworked so many of us are.

The underlying issues don’t get resolved because each person is too hurt and angry over the comments and actions hurled at one another, so when it happens again, another layer gets added, and another, until these fights have been repeated so often, that now the other person is “ALWAYS” doing such and such, or “NEVER” doing what they’re supposed to.

Now we have a messy relationship, where there are snarky, hurtful fights that keep getting repeated. The original issues remain unresolved, because each person is feeling hurt, has kept count of their hurts, and keeps trying to one-up the other, so they won’t be hurt more.

How do we unravel the mess and bring in healthier communication?

Let’s look at what is going on below the surface.

Firstly, we need to understand that it isn’t going to be resolved in 1 heart-to-heart conversation, but rather it’s going to be a process, where there’s going to be ups and downs.

In order to resolve the issues, strangely enough trying to tackle the issues while each person is raw, and hasn’t yet gotten in touch with their own unspoken expectations will yield a continuation of what has already happened, in the same combative style. because neither person has taken ownership of their emotions and how they’ve been expressing them.

The first steps are to try to look inwards to see where the roots of the expectations or fears are coming from.

This is hard and often painful work, because we need to look at where we have been done wrong, what we may be subconsciously imitating from relationships that impacted us in our youth, what kind of lack we experienced that we’re subconsciously needing to have fulfilled from the other person.

Mixed into this mess are the lies we’ve been told about ourselves, the negatives we’ve taken on board, the anger we still hold from our past that we weren’t able to resolve, but now comes out in our expectations that THIS relationship will be different from all the others we have had, because it is just a simple matter of finding the elusive unicorn of a person who TRULY understands us.

Never mind that we ourselves have developed some very unhealthy and hurtful communication patterns. WE shouldn’t have to change; it’s up to the other person to understand us and adapt to how we are!

We also have a modicum of magical thinking, in our unspoken expectations, that the other person will love us so much they will be able to read our minds and our hearts, to be able to fulfill all those unmet needs and heal those old hurts.

When the other person isn’t able to do that, we feel let down so badly, we blame them, that they’re just not trying hard enough to love us in the way we feel we need to be loved.

It doesn’t occur to us that maybe, just maybe, we too may have some very hurtful habits that need to be altered, because after all, we’re such a NICE person!

Moving from Unspoken expectations to understanding what are our personal triggers which are the root of our communication issues, to being able to communicate in a healthier way

We all have unspoked expectations in how we hope the other person will speak to us, or act with us. We ALL do.

It doesn’t make us bad people, it just means we don’t communicate well or in a healthy way!

Here are a few parts, that require us to go inwards and do some deep inner work.

If we want our relationship to get better, we need to get mentally prepared to do some hard work, right now!

Great relationships don’t magically happen by themselves, without both people investing of themselves into it, altruistically, for the good of the couple.

This includes being able to become vulnerable about what fears of lack our unspoken expectations are covering for, and how we can each grow beyond the past circumstances that created those expectations.

Vulnerability is particularly difficult to handle because we each have fears of not being taken seriously or having our feelings trampled on, so we hide behind seemingly brave walls to protect ourselves, and instead face the world with our unmet expectations.

“Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.
Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard.
Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.
Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.
Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard. Pick wisely.”

– UNKNOWN

The above quote and the one below are from a fellow blogger, existential ergonomics and I feel her experience is timely to mention here.

Early in the relationship with my boyfriend, there was some tension. I was clearly ill and deeply in denial, yet his recommendations that I seek help were met with hostility. His suggesting that I “need to” do anything pissed me off. After months of back-and-forth, we refined his phrasing, I felt less attacked, and I finally entertained the idea of seeing a doctor. The discussions were hard and painful. Occasionally, I considered throwing in the towel. It would have been the easier option. But I’m glad we didn’t. By working through the early challenges of our relationship, we discovered how to best communicate with and support one another. Now, our relationship feels effortless.

click to visit “Doing The Hard Work Upfront” – by existential ergonomics

Part 1A: preparing to do the inner work

If you’re someone who is extremely good at beating yourself up and speaking harshly to yourself when any negative comes up, you will need to practice suspending judgement of yourself!

This in itself is a brand new skill to learn, because our brains get put onto auto-pilot and just easily slide down that negative rabbit-hole of angry self-talk that can then easily get flipped outwards to the people we’re closest to. So, practice suspending judgement of yourself!

I say practice, because it requires persistence to keep getting up when we fall down and keep doing what we need to.

Part 1B: doing the inner work

We need to look at the times we felt triggered and ask ourselves what is going on under the surface; where the root of this trigger came from.

• Is it something from our childhood?
• Is it from how past relationships didn’t work out and what was said or what happened?
• Is it from a stereotype we picked up along the way?

After we’ve been able to figure some things out about ourselves, we need to communicate this with the other person.

This is hard to do, because we still have the unspoken expectation that once we communicate all this stuff with our loved one, they will magically see the big picture and they will AUTOMATICALLY know how they need to change when speaking with us or in how they do things!

Part 2: apologizing to each other and communicating what we’ve learned about ourselves

Each person needs to be apologizing to one another for their part in how things have gotten very emotional and heated, with misunderstandings and unmet expectations on BOTH sides.

Each of person expects the other to understand the other because it seems so clear to each one, and we tend to project onto each other the expectation that because it is obvious to one person, the other will be able to pick up on it and be empathetic.

This is another one of those unspoken expectations that aren’t based in a healthy reality, but instead come from a place of wanting to be cared for, without doing the work to see if it is actually realistic.

It comes from our childhood of having our mother meet our basic needs, but then the expectation gets extrapolated to other relationships. We don’t even examine to see if we’re subconsciously expecting the other person to be the giver, while we stay on the receiving end of things. We don’t necessarily examine our expectations to see if they may be unbalanced!

Add to that, unfortunately when communicating, each person has different understandings and shaded meanings of certain words, which creates more misunderstanding between both people.

There is then the disappointment of the unmet expectation that each of us tends to take very personally almost like a rejection, when it is clear there is a misunderstanding in what each person means.

Part 3: getting to understand each other in a deeper way

We each use words and do things that are meaningful to ourselves, but they don’t hold the same meaning to the other person.

By each person taking the time to understand each other’s vocabulary and to get to the bottom of what each needs to hear and see from one another, each one can then make some changes in how things are said and done, so that it not only makes sense to ourselves, but to the person receiving/perceiving the words and actions.

Part 4: learning to use healthier ways to communicate

• Use “I feel”, “I think” phrasing, which is far less antagonistic than saying “You need to change”, “You’re always doing such and such”.
  
  Add examples like, “When you say “xyz”, I feel…” and use specific words to express how it makes you feel, such as: attacked, cornered, unheard, overwhelmed, etc.
  
• Avoid the hurtful phrasing that used to be used; no more below the belt attacks on the other person
  
• Keep the discussions to the topic at hand; don’t keep dragging in all those examples from the past to make your point stronger and more valid
  
• When someone says they need a time out or time to process, agree to reconvene when the other is ready
  

Remember, this didn’t all get to this point in one day, and it isn’t going to be resolved in one day.

Another unmet expectation we often have after a great heart-to-heart talk, is that magically everything is going to resolve itself, and there will not be ANY backsliding!

When we hold that expectation, things start to slide downhill pretty quickly, finger get pointed at each other, harsh words get said, because it is IMPORTANT to determine whose FAULT it is for RUINING a good new thing!

There’s going to be ups and downs through this process as EACH person learns and then puts into practice the new skills.

The good news is: as each person struggles to put into practice the new skills, these skills slowly get mastered.

As each person gets better and better at it, those deep highs and lows gradually level out, so eventually there aren’t the angry fights!

Healing from the past and learning new ways takes time and effort. It isn’t effortless, but is sometimes gut-wrenching work.

What do you want to do? Continue the way things are because the work is hard to do? Or, do the hard work, and gradually see improvements?

I hope you’ll choose doing the hard work now!

Know that I support you on your journey!

More goodness:

• The heaviest burdens that we carry are the thoughts in our head.
• When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.
• Nobody talks about this part… these are called growing pains.
• Is suffering necessary? Yes and no.
• Respect your body when it’s asking you for a break. Respect your mind when it’s seeking rest.
• Do not become small for people who refuse to grow!
• Don’t be afraid to start all over again. You may like your new story better.
• An authentic life does not require anyone else’s approval for your creative choices
• Just because you’re struggling does not mean you’re failing
• Random thoughts worth repeating!
• Please watch your step: Your future starts here!
• Right now there are…
• Affirmation: Today is a new day! I can do this!
• Though you may hold your sword in a shaky hand, I see the demons you are slaying.

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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