by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Letters unsent

Do you ever write letters to people to get stuff off your chest, but don’t end up sending them?

Unknown author

Years ago I heard this was an excellent method of dealing with difficult situations with difficult people, and I have put it into practice multiple times. Sometimes I even went as far as to create a special burning “ceremony” for myself, where I placed the letter into a paper bag with some dried sage or lavender leaves, along with written thoughts for how I wish things to go or for what I need emotionally from them. I write about the specifics in “Purge by fire… could this help you?“.

As many of you know, my mother was my primary abuser throughout my childhood and up until my forties when I cut off most of my contact with her.

I never had the courage to do that while I still lived in my home city, where I still attended churches that echoed a lot of the abuse and encouraged me to “turn the other cheek” as a “good Christian daughter”, where domestic violence, verbal and physical was quietly perpetuated as many victims were told to stay, and “their good examples would change the heart of the abusers”, which was of course false and only served to break many people I knew.

Moving not only out of my city but out of my country, over 1,000 miles away from where my hurt stemmed from, allowed me to finally experience the healing silence from the vitriolic words that were given to me with such entitled thoughts of “I am your mother, I get to say these things”.

This past Mother’s Day, I once again celebrated with my daughter and grandkids, grateful for the loving relationships we have carefully created and nurtured.

My daughter experienced my mother’s toxicity when she was a child. My mother interpreted that an 8-year-old dancing behind her was an imminent physical attack on her person, so she aimed a hot curling iron at her and angrily told her “Come no further or I will use this”. When my daughter started to cry, my mother told me by way of explanation that “She had to protect herself, as my daughter was going to attack her”, to which my daughter had only said she was just dancing behind Granny. I knew that to be true, a) my daughter was a gentle soul who wouldn’t attack anyone, and b) she danced EVERYWHERE – even while shopping in stores if she heard a song she liked. My mother had also pushed my daughter down a short, wide flight of steps in a restaurant, in front of the entire church congregation, declaring, “I had to get her out of my way, she was going to hurt me!”

Since both my daughter and I experienced my mother’s hostile and toxic behavior, we valued our relationship together and carefully nurtured it over the years, taking care to talk out and resolve any differences that came up, and then taking care to nurture those same close relationships with her 3 children. I see my brother too has done the same thing in his life with his wife and girls. We determined to break that cycle and not have it continue.

As part of my healing, I wrote many letters to my mother, most went unsent. I chose to burn them instead, to release the negative thoughts and energies, and instead allow prayers and positive thoughts to heal my heart.

A few years ago I did write a letter I was satisfied with that spoke the truth without name calling or being overly harsh. I sent a copy of it to my brother, who pronounced it the best letter he had ever read. I asked him if he thought it would be okay to send to her, and he said yes, so I mailed it to her. In the letter I told her what I need from her now if she wishes to have any sort of relationship with me, but unfortunately she has not made any of the efforts I needed her to since receiving it.

In March I wrote another letter to her, in response to a letter she had written to me, where she was asking me a lot of questions about myself, then admitting she really didn’t know me well anymore and wanted to. I haven’t sent the letter, but with Mother’s Day recently passed, I have been wondering if it is just better to not send it.

I do question if I need to give her some kind of explanation but think it too may fall into the abyss of denial in her mind.

Deciding whether or not to share that letter here with each of you was a decision I wrestled with, and I have come to the conclusion that I will share it, if only to help anyone else find the courage to write their own letters. Whether you decide to mail your letter or not, to hold onto it or to burn it with your prayers, is up to you. (For his anonymity I swapped out his name for just a more generic term, “my brother”.)

March 21, 2024

Mom,

I received your recent letter mailed March 12th that you asked your helper lady to write for you. You’re asking me questions about my life, and through your questions you have come to realize that you don’t know me well now.

That is true, I have purposely kept my life from you. I left Montreal at the end of 2004 when I was 42, and went no to low contact with you, and because of having removed myself from your influence, I was able to work through my emotional healing from the years of emotional abuse I experienced from you up to that point.

Had I not been a part of the 2 churches I was in, I would have gone no to low contact years before, but they told me I needed to be a good Christian and “turn the other cheek”. Honestly, churches perpetuate domestic violence (both physical and emotional) by teaching the victims to stay with their abusers, that their “good example will cause the abuser to want to change”, which is almost always untrue and creates generations of damaged people.

Over the years I have heard how you have continued to be quite acidic towards the people around you, including my brother and his family, to the point that they do not feel comfortable being around you. I have not seen you grow in kindness or grace over the years.

My brother calls me and brings me up to date on what’s going on with you. When he told me you were on the verge of getting kicked out of your apartment due to your toilet overflowing multiple times and flooding your apartment, he and I discussed what was causing it, and I made some suggestions for items he could purchase for you to avert that situation. He got you the commode chair for your bedroom, the mat, the toilet paper holder, etc. Even now, your relationship with the management of your apartment is on tenuous grounds, due to your acid tongue in the past.

Quite honestly, I feel comfortable getting updates from him, and making any suggestions I am able to, but I really have no desire to try to build any kind of relationship with you at this point in my life. You spent 40+ years of my life tearing me down, saying unkind and cruel things to me, breaking me.

Any trust I may have once had to try to build a healthy relationship with you has died long ago, and God knows I tried hundreds and hundreds of times. I find it strange for you to reach out to me after these years.

In a previous letter, I had written to you, I had said you had rejected your granddaughter from when she was a child, and indeed had physically pushed her aside and down some stairs when she was 8. Since then you have shown no interest in her, nor in your 3 great-grandchildren. I hate to tell you, but they do not wish to meet you, for they have heard from their mother how you treated me and her over the years. This goes against how they were raised.

The more the years go by, the more I am grateful not to have continued to try to have a relationship with you, for the emotional toll of your unkind words and harsh judgement are more than I wish to handle at this point in my life.

I will not be starting a correspondence with you, bringing you up to date in my life, as though we were pen-pals.

I tried that over the past 20 years since I left Montreal, and you expressed no interest in your granddaughter or great-grandchildren who are a huge part of my life. I have built a wonderful relationship with them and we see each other regularly. If it would have been possible, I only wanted to have you be in our happy circle, but you had none of it.

I think that 62 years of my life is enough time to have given someone hundreds and hundreds of chances, unfortunately, I do not have it in me to try again, for that trust has been broken too many times and is now long gone.

I will continue to hear what my brother tells me about you and his relationship with you, because HE is the one I wish to support emotionally. You have been quite hard on him over the years, and I have endeavored to be supportive of him.

I wish things were different for all of us, but I cannot place my emotional health at risk once more, especially since I have not heard any indication that you have changed and have stopped being acidic to those around you.

Respectfully,
Tamara

I have not sent that letter yet; I’m still thinking about whether to or not.

We often experience pressure to build bridges with or to repair relationships with very toxic family members, because “they’re FAMILY”, and are encouraged to ignore our own mental health, even our physical health.

If we belong to a church or temple that tells us to “turn the other cheek”, the pressure is on us to put the abuser first instead of our own safety or well-being.

We live in a society where putting up fake fronts to project a “happy” or “whole” family is still very much how we are expected to behave and being courageous enough to say “No!” and to step away from the fakeness into our own authentic selves to nurture our mental and physical health, is still very new for many of us.

Do I have regrets about going no contact with her these past few years? Yes, of course I do, for there’s still a part of me that yearns for a mother-daughter relationship with her, but I need to face the reality of who she is and not remain in the hazy, wishful-thinking world.

My mental health and also my physical health suffered terribly when I did have a relationship with her. When I was a teenager she stopped being physically abusive towards me because I stood up to her, but she had terrible verbal weapons in her arsenal. The constant belittling, the false accusations, the hateful and hurtful words all found their mark, diminishing my sense of self, destroying my self-confidence and instead filled me with anxiety that let to severe bouts of depression, and subsequently added to the severe stresses I was experiencing which only exacerbated my chronic Shingles.

I have worked very hard on my emotional healing, made progress not only to heal old wounds but to create a whole new happy, healthy level to my soul, that to try to build a relationship with her at best would be superficial only, for I have no trust in her to not revert back to her old behavior towards me, when I hear she is still vitriolic with those around her.

My inner child wishes me to reach out to her, to build a relationship filled with love and acceptance, but the older me sees that she has not changed or grown that she could provide that. If I were to go back to her, it would be the picture in my mind I would be trying to manifest, and I would be ignoring all of her present actions.

While it might feel satisfying to send her the above letter, I really don’t think it would make any difference, and might only send out a false hope for her of communication getting reestablished. She has shown she is quite okay with having very unhealthy relationships with those around her, while I do not wish to accept the cost she imposes.

Sometimes we just need to cut our losses and walk away. Obviously, I still struggle with having done that, maybe particularly after receiving a pen-pal type of letter that ignores the past. Family relationships aren’t cut and dried, not when primal bonds have been damaged and we only wish to create something beautiful that never was. (Note: A year later in 2025, I found myself yearning for what could have been, this was triggered by her March birthday. After re-reading the above letter and this post, I still feel that going no contact with her is still my healthiest option.)

I need to see my mother for who she is and not who I need and needed her to be. Wishful thinking has sent other people back to their abusers, only for the cycle of abuse to continue. My own mental health is more important to me now and I will do what I need to protect it (even if some would label be a terrible daughter).

As a dutiful daughter, I will work through my brother to help ensure she is comfortable and looked after. My brother’s mental health is very important to me, so supporting him as he continues to help her will be how I show love for both of them. After a quarterly visit with her he is usually quite wrung out, and needs to unburden himself of all that transpired, so he usually calls me on his long drive home. Sometimes he calls on his drive there to get emotionally reinforced.

I release her from my own wishes for a healthy relationship, for I know she has a lot of her own healing and growth to go through before that could happen and may not in this lifetime.

The above letter may never get printed out and sent to her. I am okay with that too. I think I needed to write about it here in this post and maybe it will be of help to someone else also struggling with the same issue.

Here are some links to articles regarding the therapeutic benefits of writing letters:

Other helpful posts:

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
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30 thoughts on “Letters unsent”

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  8. Dear Tamara,

    Just briefly, for now, as I go to bed, I wanted to say thank you and how wonderfully courageous you are in sharing your letter to your mom, who I know has caused you so much pain, both throughout your childhood and into your adult life. I am so glad you are free of her abuse and vitriol now. With you sharing your letter so bravely and openly, I have decided to write an unsent letter to the ‘man’ who conned, scammed, and emotionally damaged me this week and last. That might sound pathetic, as this was absolutely nothing like it was for you, having to have a relationship with an extremely toxic mother. Nevertheless, I feel it will help me overcome the feelings that I am still struggling with this weekend.

    Although I am taking a break for a while, I was going through my emails, many of which I haven’t been able to read and have been sitting in my email inbox for some weeks, when I saw this post from you and realised it was a written a week ago, and I hadn’t noticed. As I scrolled down, deleting the emails I knew I couldn’t catch up with, the title of your post here jumped out at me, and I knew I needed to read it.

    Enough from me just for now … I will write more to you about your situation and my thoughts about that as soon as I can, perhaps even tomorrow. I am keen to read your post and letter again. I am so extremely proud of and grateful to you, my friend. You have helped me on my journey from the moment we met, and that is something I will never forget and will continue to learn from your wise words. All for just now …

    With my love and gratitude, always, Ellie Xx 💓

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    1. Ellie, thank you for your acceptance of my support; I will always champion your efforts to grow and to learn. There is no big or small reason to write a letter that will not be sent if we have a need to process our emotions and to be able to release them.

      You have been through a tremendous amount of abuse from your own past, so even a seemingly small thing to someone else can set off alarms within you. Feeling taken advantage of, even if it was your goodwill and time, feels terrible, especially knowing he had a devious agenda from the start. It wasn’t personal against you, he no doubt knocked on many doors before one opened to his flattery and apparent kindness and friendship.

      The fact that you recognized what he was up to is a credit to the healing you have worked on within yourself! He may have triggered off a feeling of vulnerability within you, as well as an old fear of being forcefully being taken advantage of, but you withstood his attempts! Kudos!

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    1. Yes, indeed. It helped me to come to a deeper understanding of what I needed to do. Thank you!

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  10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with us. The connection you have with your brother is wonderful, both that you support him and still are in a way “in contact” with how your Mother is doing.

    There are never easy answers…I feel these sort of family relationships are just a journey. You do the best you can in the moment – to be there, but also to protect your own mental and emotional health. Only you know where that balance lies.

    One time a friend told me, when speaking about her own relationship with her mom, “you provide what you can and God will provide the rest.” I find that brings a peace.

    So sorry you’ve been treated cruelly. And so glad you and your brother both have been able to end that cycle – and build families around love. ❤️

    Wishing you the best!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, I feel seen. Yes, it eas very difficult, but we have each made great efforts to overcome our pasts and to build the lives we needed. I hope my journey will help others along theirs.

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  11. Just do you Tamara, as in send the letter if this is what you want. Her reaction to it is hers and not who you are. A friends very narcissistic mother would reach out, reach out, reach out…when and if it suited her. Take whatever physical or emotional support, and then trash her all over again after she got what she wanted. It drained her forever. Until she pulled the pin and said enough.

    And no matter who you are that takes a huge effort, simply because ‘you’ want that mother/daughter relationship. But some things just won’t allow it regardless of what you do. In fact, I do think sometimes that is the lesson of love. To have faith and love in yourself to pull away, still give as you can lovingly to both, but for that love of self step back into your love. I hope it does work out. And sometimes it just needs to keep that bridge open because the universe will sit your mom into a very sudden hard place…thrown out of where she lives, a bad health issue, a traumatic time…to realize that she truly had been the result of hers fears, and passed those very things on.

    By the way, that friends mother I spoke of…she too was treated by her mother the same way, and she knew no other way but by what she was shown. Now obviously you do not do this to your daughter, but it is amazing how those around us say ‘your just like your mom/dad’ in some way or action. Or, even do the opposite so that we are not anything like them…but hold it as a shield. You don’t mean to be, but we are the result of our environment. Like in my instance that I hated my father with a vengeance…until I was shown just how much I was like him. I think I hated myself in those fears I held.

    Anyway my friend, just do you, no greater love can you give but what is truly inside you. May it at least keep that line open to allow her the choice to come to you with a love open, no longer closed ❤️🙏

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful words Mark! I appreciate their supportiveness. Yes, this was a difficult thing to face, seeing, her letter to me, that she was trying in her way to reach out, as though she too needs a mother daughter relationship with me. As much as I want that, I have learned to love and value myself, so when I see she still treats people badly, I know it is important to keep in mind she will just revert back to old ways if given that chance. I have no desire to venture down that path again, the cost is too high and I had to work too hard to learn to love myself. You have hit the nail on the head, this is the goal, the reward for our hard work is to finally live our lives in a state of mind where we love ourselves and care for ourselves enough not to allow ourselves to get beaten down again. That is a lesson I will hold onto. Thank you for the wonderful reminders!

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      1. Yes. I think the hardest part of it all…is that rejection. And all along we just want that acceptance, that love we know is there, but ever denied us. But the journey is to cross that very same denial of ourselves…and finally love us. Only then can we truly love another. Great share Tamara, it takes a great courage to do as you have, and dare to see that truth beneath it all…your truth. Good luck with it, I hope it reaches that place 😀❤️🙏

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        1. Thank you for your wisdom Mark, yes, it is ever an ongoing journey to keep learning more and more on deeper and deeper levels. I used to grit my teeth at the process, but now it feel s so much lighter. For that I’m grateful. Grateful to have ended a cycle of pain passed down through the generations and be able to step into love.

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  12. When I was in the convent, I wrote a letter to an older nun about all the ways in which she was making my life a hell. I had planned to put the letter under her bedroom door, but never did. Putting all my negative emotions into words had been therapeutic. I agree with you on the Church’s harmful teachings about forgiveness and “turning the other cheek.” In forgiving my ex-husband and mother, and then re-connecting with them, I opened myself to renewed verbal/emotional abuse. Cutting them both out of our lives did not come easy. My refusal to write the eulogy for our deceased mother did not go well with my siblings. They accuse me of being ungrateful. Amazing how abuse can be perpetuated 😦

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    1. Some letters should not be sent, they are an unburderning of the soul, an veritable dumping out of everything that was held inside. They are however very therapeutic. I have tried to learn that writing a thoughtful but factual letter may be more effective, for the person receiving it might actually read it and see how they have wronged people, rather than just dismissing it and throwing it away.

      I cannot say that any of the letters I have written resulted in the person changing, but I did achieve the needed release of my pentup emotions, and was able to then step away.

      I suppose when we haven’t expressed what is inside, we can hold onto the facade and the fantasy that everything will be okay and is okay.

      Your siblings sound as though they are living in that liminal world, where they deny the reality and keep holding out that things will magically be okay. They may be resentful of you because you don’t sustain that fake fantasy and have moved beyond the walls of fear and have embraced the very scary realness of facts. It can feel like you have rejected them when you rejected the continued fakeness, so they throw the words “ungrateful” at you, when in reality you are showing a deeper gratitude for life by healing and not running away from reality. Are they grateful to continue to live in pain and suffering, or are they resigned to not learning to grow and heal? Your growth may feel disloyal to them, as they continue to suffer in their self-borne martyrdom.

      You have found your path to healing and are working on yourself, and perhaps they will allow you to encourage them too, later.

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      1. Thanks for sharing your perspective, Tamara ❤ Rejection may well be at play, as well as resentment. Relationships within a dysfunctional family can be quite complex, as you well know. I don't hold out hope that they will look to me for encouragement in healing.

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        1. You are probably right, they won’t turn to you for that kind of advice. They’re still clinging to the facade they have created. Too bad!

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  13. Do what you think is best. You’re an adult, not a helpless child! It sounds as if your mom is all sorts of toxic! No sense in endangering your mental health! It’s such a shame that your church didn’t support you! Shame on them! I’ve had such wonderful support from my Church family. Praying for you!

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    1. Thank you for your prayers Rita! I’m very happy that you are experiencing a supportive church environment. Neither I nor my daughter did, and we are very skittish about going to any other church, they all feel triggering. Instead we pray and worship outside of church.

      Yes, I’m an adult and able to make my own decisions, and I’m choosing the decisions that will be best for my own mental health and growth. I used to always put others before myself, sacrificing my own needs, health and well-being for theirs. I finally saw that takers will just keep taking, and unless I place my own mental health first, they won’t.

      After reflection, I don’t believe that I will send the letter. I don’t think it will make any difference in her outlook or behavior, and certainly won’t improve our relationship. I wrote it, shared it here, so this will be as far as it will go. I’m perfectly content to not give an answer to her letter.

      The supportive words I have received in this space have helped to strengthen me and help me release even old things. Thank you for your prayers!

      Blessings to you!

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  14. You do such a great job of modeling how to navigate tricky relationships, Tamara. I love the writing letter methods. Amazing how clarifying and unburdening it can be.

    I love how you support your brother. I think prioritizing the relationships that are healthy and provide love and support as you, your brother, and daughter have done is so remarkable. In a twisted way, your mother has provided great influence of what not to do.

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    1. You are very astute in your observations Wynne! Yes, supporting and prioritizing relationships that are healthy and provide love are very important to our mental and physical health. Thank you for your very kind words, they resonate deep within me, for that is what I have been striving to do. I feel seen! Writing letters can be very therapeutic and healing, without needing to ever send them. After reflection, I don’t think I will send it, but it has helped me release my questions and old feelings. Thanks for your support!

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  15. Such a profoundly personal post Tamara- thank you for sharing this. I’ve used this letter idea in the past. There are a great many benefits even if the letter never gets sent, clarification often being a major result for the writer. Personally I’ve found the sending, much like in your case, to add more to the turmoil especially when the subject hasn’t done their own work and simply continues to deny. Rather than feeling a sense of closure I have found sending in those cases sort of stirs the pot and defeats what I wanted to accomplish for myself and my healing.

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    1. Deb, you have very succinctly voiced what I was feeling about sending this letter. Yes, it has given me additional clarity, and being able to get feedback from my wonderful group of readers has helped me feel seen and supported. To send it would create turmoil on her end, and serve no additional purpose for me. This was very helpful for me, so I will leave it at that. I’m very happy that this method has worked well for you too. Writing letters but not sending them can be very clarifying. I have burned some in the past to get even more release.

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      1. To have broken the cycle is remarkable, whenever it happens. Your judgement regarding ending the relationship continues to be sound, Tamara. As you say, the loss remains, but the necessity of doing what you have also remains.Your generosity in helping others is an act of kindness.

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        1. Dr. Stein, your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you. Your supportiveness is very meaningful to me, I feel validation from you.

          Yes, even now, sometimes I question if I have done the right thing, but I know in my heart that if I try to rekindle something with her, that it might undo some of the work I have done on myself.

          Thank you so underscoring my decision. It is the healthiest thing to do, given the situation. I’m very appreciative of your words!

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