In Misunderstandings in communication styles can lead to deep divides and fighting I spoke about our unspoken expectations in verbal communication styles. This post will delve into physical communication styles! (Yes, it’s going to go… there!) I was inspired to write this Part 2 when I read a post written by Alexandra Blogier about a female influencer (Caylee Cresta) who was trying to explain to men why their wives don’t want to have sex with them, and as a twice married woman in long-term relationships, I related to what she was saying!

Our unspoken expectations aren’t corralled into just the verbal arena, they extend into physical touch as well, whether it is affectionate hugs or touches to sexual overtures.

The whole area of physical touch can mean vastly different things to different people, so it is important to learn to respect other people’s boundaries before assuming that someone else sees things the same way we do.

It is only through honest communication we can try to figure out what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable for each person.

As in Part 1, I was focusing on love relationships, between partners, I will try to limit this post to physical communication between partners, and not the meaning of touch in other situations.

A love relationship between partners is one where physical and emotional intimacy is developed and nurtured, and as we discussed in Part 1, our unspoken expectations can muddy the waters.

Husbands will often try to initiate physical intimacy by patting or grabbing areas on their wives bodies, even while she is engaged in doing a task for the family, seemingly expecting her to get aroused enough to drop what she’s doing and have the sex he’s craving, and then are genuinely upset and puzzled why their overtures aren’t getting the responses they’re looking for.

Alexandra quotes Cresta, “Why would aggressively touching someone out of nowhere make them wanna sleep with you? Especially when they’re in the middle of trying to take care of everyone but themselves?”

She continues: “As she sees it, “Touching her without talking to her means you wanna get off, not feel connected. And it’s so selfish for you to think that you wanting to get off would be enough to get her in the mood. So you end up turning her off instead of on.”

“She continued her critique of how unwanted touch turns women off, explaining that “slapping her on the butt can be enough to push her over the edge when she’s feeling overwhelmed about doing it all and feeling frustrated about doing it all alone.”

This comes down to unspoken expectations. It would be helpful for the couple to have a discussion so the husband can hear what his wife is feeling when he gives what she perceives as untimely or selfish touching, when she may need him to help out more so she doesn’t feel so overwhelmed with the load, and then have more mental and physical bandwidth to relax.

When a couple is new in their physical relationship, they haven’t yet meshed their daily lives together in the same way as what happens down the road, and the grind of daily living hasn’t yet taken its toll, so sex tends to be much more spontaneous, physical and needs less foreplay for arousal.

The more a woman is overwhelmed with the daily stresses of taking care of the entire household and doing all the chores attached to it, the more support she’s going to need, and guess what? She’s going to need more foreplay!

Interestingly, foreplay isn’t all physical, and doesn’t necessarily start at the beginning of sexual intercourse!

Men tend to use sex to relieve their stress, while stress can greatly reduce a woman’s libido. Seems at cross purposes doesn’t it!

This is the very crossroads that many couples find themselves at. So how can they get around it?

Step 1 is to start discussing it.

Step 2 is to realize that there are a few layers of issues here, not the least of which is to discuss a more equilibrized distribution of labor.

Step 3 for getting the sexual energies more aligned is to understand that foreplay or the lack of it starts with verbal communication with each other, and I’m not talking about talking sexually with one another, though that may come later!

Sexual satisfaction in many people is heightened by the emotional connection to one another, the levels of being and feeling in simpatico with each other.

If there is a lot of arguing, yelling, sniping, griping, whining, or other negative behavior going on through the day, that lowers the sexual libido. We aren’t light switches able to turn on at will! Negatives and stresses will affect us, interrupting that flow!

Likewise, if there is healthy communication where each person feels heard and respected, the libido goes up because we want to connect on a physical level with our partner who is making us feel good.

If we wanted to just have casual sex where we could just have sex and walk away from any responsibilities, we’d have stayed single.

When we commit to a long-term relationship with someone, we want the emotional intimacy, we want a shared life together to support one another through the ups and downs of life.

This means that the type of sex in a casual connection will need to change into a deeper, more meaningful connection. This starts with how we relate to one another.

If we ignore that part of it and expect our partner to perform sexually how they did when things were more casual, we may find our partner becoming angry and resentful at being treated like a sex toy, rather than a true life partner!

When our relationships aren’t working out, it is kind of a natural go-to to point the finger at the other person, and lay the blame at their feet, for we see them reacting to us, and we think that’s the entirety of the problem, meanwhile we’re completely oblivious to what we did to trigger the other person.

This is true for both people in the relationship, so it’s going to take both people to look at themselves and figure out what’s happening.

Men will sometimes feign inability to do basic household chores, a trick they learned from their dads to get out of doing any housework! This may have worked when many women stayed home and raised the kids while hubby went out to work, but things have changed, so those old work-dodging ploys are now creating troubles on the home-front!

Women have learned to become Martyrs from their moms or other female figures, taking on too much of the load, and then becoming angry and resentful because they’re now working full time and expected to also do all the housework and childcare.

Be brave enough to take a deeper look at the dynamics of your own family household, and talk together to see how you can support one another instead of getting under each other’s skin, pissing each other off, getting mad at each other and doing passive-aggressive things to get back at each other!

The changes you make now will pave the way to a more fulfilling and intimate sex life together!

Don’t forget to schedule in time to go out and have fun together out of the house, even if it is going for a walk and eating an ice-cream!

More good thoughts:

• Teach ourselves to feel positive in order to see more positive things in our lives!!
• Red Ocean or Blue Ocean? How do you think?
• You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.
• Change how you see and see how you change.
• Make yourself strong!
• WARNING: This post may be triggering! Instead of getting defensive, say, “Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. I’ll consider them.”
• It’s never too late to teach ourselves!
• Don’t speak negatively about yourself!!
• Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything you are.
• Creating Mindful Distance of Thoughts… what’s that?
• The power of words
• Resilience is knowing that YOU are the only one that has the power and the responsibility to pick yourself up
• I do not allow others to influence my thinking unless it is positive or uplifting.
• Every thought we think is creating our future
• Allowing 2 truths to coexist isn’t nuts!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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