Never be a prisoner of your past. It was a lesson, not a life sentence!
Letting go of the past isn’t easy. We hold tightly to what hurt us, nursing old hurts, when what we want and need the most is to heal.
If we nurse the pains while waiting for the person who hurt us to make it right and make us whole, we may wait for many years in vain, while the pain festers. Feelings of betrayal layer over the initial hurts, resentment builds that our perpetrator doesn’t seem to care enough to do the work we want them to do.
I know, because I experienced those hurts.
When I learned that damaged people hurt others, healthy people don’t, it enabled a huge shift in my mind and heart.
Instead of waiting for my perpetrator to help me heal, I realized that I needed to take on this job myself!
It was a huge mental shift. It was hard taking charge of my own healing, so I just did my best.
There were many ups and downs over the years but the results have been incredible!
I no longer feel chained by my past, but freed from the burden of carrying the negative. While my life wasn’t easy, I learned many valuable lessons which have helped me.
One of the things I had to accept was that I wasn’t going to have the story book relationship with my mother, she still doesn’t have the tools to have healthy relationships.
I had to learn to accept that she’s where she is in life and it will be up to her to work on herself, it’s not something that I can do for her. Trust me, I’ve spent years trying.
Understanding the bigger picture of what happened to our perpetrator to create their inner damage is an important step in learning acceptance.
We need to learn acceptance in order to be able to let go of our pains, in order to heal and become at peace and be happy!
If you’re struggling and trying to start your own healing process, remember, it’s a process. Keep at it! You’re worth it!
Have a great day!
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2 thoughts on “Your past isn’t a life sentence!”
Hi, Tamara. How are you doing? Sorry, it’s taking me so long to catch up with all your recent posts. I’ve been incredibly busy lately, which, although it’s a good thing, it does leave me short of time to read all the blogs I follow and be able to write as well.
Your posts are always so helpful, just as your books are. I understand what you’re saying, but there is one thing I’ve always found difficult to accept, and that is the phrase, ‘hurt people hurt people’. I struggle with this because, although I can see the logic behind it, I feel that not all hurt people go on to hurt or damage others. In my case, I was abused for years, as you know, but I wouldn’t dream of hurting another living soul. It’s the same with my adult daughter. She, too, was abused, but again, she would never hurt anyone else, either. How do I get over this hurdle, please? Thank you. Best wishes, Ellie Xx 💕
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Hi Ellie! No worries about catching up on past posts! I applaud you for this!
The term “hurt people hurt people” is used to explain what happens, but it isn’t a blanket statement. It doesn’t say “ALL hurt people”. It refers to some hurt people.
Reality-wise, healthy people don’t go around hurting other people, their lives are at peace.
The expression was born as an observation, in order to help people who were victimized to understand that it wasn’t their fault their abuser hurt and damaged them, they were collateral damage in their abuser’s life.
When we are abused, our abuser personalizes the abuse and makes us feel that WE made them do the hurtful things because they were reacting to something we did, said, etc. We know innately that what we did or said didn’t justify the abuse, so we are left tormented and stewing over the unfairness and the injustice of what was done.
When we can see that the abuser themselves was deeply damaged, and they themselves were filled with unspent rage from their own injustices. This becomes a generational issue, not just a one-off thing. It becomes easier for us, the victims, to see that we were the hapless person placed in the firepit to receive the person’s venom.
My own mother is still unhealed and continues to spill her anger out on the people around her. I tried to help her in her healing, but denial runs strong within her, so I had to understand that there are limits to what we can do. Focusing on my own healing was the best way to break the cycle and to be able to move forward, having healthy relationships with my daughter and grandkids. I hope this helps!
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