We all know what changes we want to make in our lives and in ourselves, sometimes we’re actually successful at changing something, and other times we get sidetracked, or just give up because it’s more difficult than we anticipated.
How do we treat ourselves if we don’t succeed in following through?
- Do we speak harshly to ourselves, effectively shredding any remaining strength to pull ourselves back up and try again?
- Are we understanding of ourselves and keep trying?
- Do we recognize the idea may be great but we actually need to work on something else first?
- Etc… which covers the many other possible reactions we may have.
There are many possible ways of reacting to any setbacks we encounter, and we’ve probably reacted differently depending on the situation.
If we choose mentally supportive reactions, we actually help ourselves to become more resilient and capable of eventually succeeding at what we set out to do, while negative reactions can shut us down and cause us to lose the last of our good intentions, because of the, “Why bother if it’s going to fail anyway?” mantra infiltrates and takes over.
For years I reacted in a very negative way towards myself, which made me feel even more like a hopeless cause. It was the self-defeating thought loops that did me in.
Our perceptions of ourselves influence whether we are able to keep persevering
Only after years of feeling terribly and feeling like I was sliding deeper into the pit of despair, was I able to realize that my very negative self-perception was affecting my life in every single way imaginable.
At first, I beat myself up for doing this to myself, but then I realized with a flash that I needed to just try suspending the negative judgment on myself and I needed to learn how to teach myself to like myself, because waiting for someone else to help me wasn’t working, because I was subconsciously rejecting any nice or positive things people said to me.
This rejection of positive things people say to us is a symptom, a huge red flag that we don’t like ourselves!
How did we arrive at this point of disliking, even detesting ourselves?
We learn these thoughts based on how people treated us and what people said to us.
So if we were severely criticized or abused, we internalized the words and actions to the point that we may conclude we deserved the negative which happened to us.
We don’t realize that in those moments the way people treat us is a reflection of what’s going on inside of them!
A healthy and positive person will treat others kindly, and respectfully, whereas, an emotionally unhealthy or damaged person will hurt others, for they share what’s going on inside of themselves.
How we react to others is also a reflection of what’s going on inside of us, and can in turn negatively affect someone’s perception of themselves!
Changing how we see ourselves is a foundational piece to mental health!
Teaching ourselves to feel more positively about ourselves is definitely going to be a work in progress, and the more we do the work, the better we get at doing it!
I always recommend starting slowly, with baby steps, because those are the very things that will be able to fit through the tiny holes in the solid walls we’ve built up inside of ourselves!
Those walls didn’t get built up and reinforced in one go, or probably even in one year, so expecting quick results of ourselves will just end up reinforcing our negative perceptions of ourselves and our abilities to make changes!
Makes sense, right?
When we don’t have positive words of our own, borrowing someone else’s goes a long way!
Speaking positively or encouragingly to ourselves doesn’t often come naturally, we’re usually fluent in speaking negatively to ourselves.
Borrowing other people’s words when we lack our own or don’t have the inner vocabulary is a powerful tool!
Positive affirmations are often seen as weak and trite, because some have become very overused, yet a positive affirmation that resonates deeply within us can become our beacon of hope and our lifeline to learning!
In my books, I not only speak favorably of positive affirmations, but I also use them to support my points and to share as many powerful nuggets to be purloined and used! I share the quotes which resonated with me for they felt like the writers must have felt those emotions to be able to write about them.
Positive affirmations which resonate with you today, may not have the same pull on your heart in a month, and that’s okay!
It doesn’t mean that you can’t make up your mind and stick with something, it may simply mean that you have grown and processed what was bothering you.
I kept a journal with quotes that resonated with me, for depending on what happened on a particular day, I needed different inspirations.
How can we make changes?
If you’re trying to make changes in your life, it’s important to understand how Brain Rewiring works, and how being persistent helps this to happen!
We need to manage our expectations!
Trying to do it all at once or too much at once overloads our brain circuitry, and then it ends up reverting back to the old, firmly entrenched Neural Pathways.
If we proceed slowly to allow our brains and nervous system to normalize the new desired thoughts and behavior, we allow for more Neural Pathways to be laid in place and give them a better chance to grow.
With practice, these new Neural Pathways will get stronger and deeper, while the old ones gradually lose their strength and fade away.
We believe what we tell ourselves the most!
If you feed yourself a steady stream of harsh and negative thoughts, guess what? Your brain and nervous system will believe you!
Likewise, when you start infusing your thoughts with positivity, support, and encouragement, those words will become what your brain will believe!
Finally:
This piece is important to hold onto!
The transition time is the hardest! It is because, in the beginning, our brains reject the new positivity because it doesn’t follow the accepted negative stream!!
The new positive, supportive thoughts don’t feel normal, because they haven’t been the norm!
HOWEVER, as we practice and continue to feed our spirits nourishing thoughts, our brains gradually shift and start to accept these new truths.
The trick I found is to select the thoughts which resonate within you, even if those affirmations, quotes, or positive thoughts seem very tame compared to others.
Below are three thoughts that sustained me through the difficult times of change and growth. I hope they comfort you too!
I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
I’m sharing more posts that may be helpful for you:
- 10 Steps to Owning Our Happiness
- Setting “Boundaries with consequences”
- Making a change… “How do I take that first step?”
- Affirmation: Today is a new day! I can do this!
- As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!
- Always believe that wonderful things can happen!
- A healthy outside starts from the inside!
- Brain Rewiring
More good stuff:
Teaching ourselves to like, even to love ourselves
By changing our inner dialogue, we change EVERYTHING!
Red Ocean or Blue Ocean? How do you think?
An answer to dealing with the Inner Critic!
My top 10 most viewed posts, plus a few bonuses!
A helpful trick to be able to overcome negatively Comparing Ourselves to others…
Do you only accept yourself if you look a certain way?
Start today, start tomorrow, just start!
There is no enlightenment outside of daily life – Thich Nhat Hanh
Please go to my Archived Posts page to find more wonderful posts to check out!
Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara
https://tamarakulish.com/ Archived Posts: https://tamarakulish.com/archived-posts/
My books: Now available through Walmart.com!
Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audio book available!
Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:
Removing Inner Blocks, Anger Journal, Guided Anxiety Journal Joy & Mindfulness Journal My Boundaries Journal My Inner Thoughts Journal
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Tamara Kulish 
Your post is of invaluable importance for anyone on the road to sefl discovery and acceptance. These are such inherent patterns until we become aware of them. I love it how you call it a red flag if we do not receive positive compliments weel – that it is a sign of self dislike and negativity. It causes so much suffering. Our expectations and our capacities clash – bringing up so much self judgment beating oursleves up for not performing a certain way. Permission for slowness has been such a gift in my experience. Allowing things to emerge through self care and healing is the only way.
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I’m liking your insights to this! For years I never really realized how much I didn’t like myself or how that translated into accepting so much less in life, or self-sabotaging, simply because I believed I didn’t deserve it.
That red flag became obvious when I tried to do the simplest of affirmations and the words would get stuck in my throat.
I realized then how much I had covered up the truth from myself, because I had bought into the idea that a successful person was happy, and to protect the image of being happy to pretend I was more successful than I actually was. My insecurities had me covering up a lot of things from myself, because I feared being criticized.
Strangely, once I worked on teaching myself to like myself, all those things felt unnecessary and fell away!
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You give words so clearly – helping me realize so many things that I haven’t given words so well. I can relate totally – it is like positive things would break me down first in who I was unknowingly pretending to be, for them to reach and be a part of the real me. It was revolutionary for me to know I really didn’t like myself – because I was never living as myself truly.
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“It was revolutionary for me to know I really didn’t like myself – because I was never living as myself truly.” I feel that’s exactly what I experienced!!
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I think disliking ourselves stems very often from the way we are treated. Most people who are abused or even bullied end up with serious self-esteem issues. I have been working on rewiring my brain since I have some self-esteem issues too and it’s seriously helped. I have been learning to be kinder to myself and speak to myself as I would to a friend.
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Beautiful post. I love the section “CHANGING HOW WE SEE OURSELVES IS A FOUNDATIONAL PIECE TO MENTAL HEALTH!” Self-compassion is such a cornerstone to happy lives. Thank you for this guidance, as always, Tamara!
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My pleasure Wynne!! Yes, seeing ourselves differently than how we had before is a game changer! Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay certainly knew this! I found their approaches to be very instrumental in my own journey!
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Love the post! As someone who is so hard on themselves, changing to positive self talk has been SO difficult. I’ve grown up with parents who picked on my flaws and held off on praises – which made me doubt myself and be so hard on myself. I’m trying to change but it’s so difficult. I’m definitely going to go through your achive posts and work out a plan that works for me.
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Thanks! I get it, having been severely criticized myself I understand how difficult it is to shut out their voices! I feel very happy to be able to help you, I’m sure there’s some tidbits to help you, whether it’s something that I say or a quote I’ve included from someone else!
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