by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Happiness isn’t a destination or a Utopia, but it can be a gentle undercurrent to your life!

We’ve been sold on the idea that happiness is some sort of Utopia where we will feel a constant state of happiness, all of the time, and if we don’t achieve that, we have failed! Happiness seems so unattainable, because our ideas of what it is aren’t realistic!

Artwork and quote by Tamara Kulish,
copies available on Fine Art America

In truth, happiness isn’t a constant state of feeling up and on top of the world, rather, it has its own ups and downs, yet even in a down flow when life is throwing stuff at us fast and furiously, when we know the steps to finding our way back to it, we won’t feel despair that it is now gone forever!

I have learned on my own journey, that happiness can be developed, and most importantly, we can do the inner work to slowly heal and even remove our inner blocks that stop us from feeling happy or even feel that we are worthy of happiness, which can result in subconscious self-sabotage.

Even if I’m having a tough day now, because I have done so much inner work to teach myself to speak kindly instead of harshly to myself, even my worst days are still better than a good day in the past, simply because I speak gently to myself instead of being sarcastic or doubting that the good moment will last long, because I felt I was a loser and didn’t deserve happiness for too long!

If I was having a good day or a good experience I used to always expect there would be a price to pay, that if I allowed myself to fully enjoy a good moment, that I would be punished with something bad happening. As a result, I always kept my guard up, never fully enjoyed the moment, and would mentally be preparing myself for the next terrible thing to happen.

This was a direct result of having grown up with an abusive mother who destroyed my self-worth, and then choosing to be in 2 different churches that had ideas of a punishing God, a God who was angered by people’s sins and who handed out punishments to teach people lessons.

Due to those 2 things, I internalized that I deserved every single bad thing that happened to me.

Indeed, in those churches we all saw that if people lived in situations of domestic violence or abuse of any kind, we were not told to leave, we were told to turn the other cheek. We were told that our quiet example would touch the abuser’s heart and they would then change. If the abuser didn’t change, we were told it was our fault, we weren’t showing enough Christian love to make the person want to change.

Unfortunately, this philosophy in too many churches encourages domestic violence to flourish and blames the victims. Too much negative emphasis was placed on the victims. Many perpetrators were told that God and Christ loves them for who they are, so many do not see a need to change if God already loves them exactly as they are.

Even if you yourself haven’t personally experienced the kind of spiritual abuse so many people go through, likely your family dynamic may have been influenced by those ways of thinking.

Codependency and toxic behavior have permeated our families and our communities to the point that happiness can seem like only a dream world where we could be removed from the pains and traumas currently being experienced.

Happiness becomes a difficult thing under that mental paradigm. It seems so impossible, so we then seek it in many other ways, because the idea that we could develop it inside of ourselves doesn’t match up with all the other messaging we have received.

When we do some tough inner work, we can actually remove the mental barriers we have carefully laid in place to protect ourselves from pain and suffering. If you have done this, as many of us have, your survival and coping mechanisms may now be impeding your ability to feel happy.

Happiness isn’t as unattainable as we have been brought to think, nor is it a constant state of giddiness. I have found that happiness is a gentler feeling than what we have been led to believe.

Happiness becomes a gentle undercurrent to our lives when we learn to speak gently and kindly to ourselves, when we work on healing our past traumas, and when we do that inner work. The old pains and anxieties gradually loosen their stranglehold on our hearts, allowing us to live in a gentler mental and emotional state.

If this is news to you, I hope you will poke around my Archived Posts or explore my books Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level to find out more. I have placed some links in the sidebar to post I feel will be a good place to start!

Be patient with yourself, for this isn’t a short-term project. It is long-term and best done in baby steps!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

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Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

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Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks,    Anger Journal,    Guided Anxiety Journal    Joy & Mindfulness Journal     My Boundaries Journal   My Inner Thoughts Journal   

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39 thoughts on “Happiness isn’t a destination or a Utopia, but it can be a gentle undercurrent to your life!”

  1. I used to feel similarly, Tamara, not due to abuse, but because it seemed that something terrible always followed something good. That’s just the way my life was set up. But you’re right. Once you do a bit of work on yourself, detach from codependent relationships, and learn that happiness (and all emotions) are states of being, then life looks a little brighter 😉

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    1. “it seemed that something terrible always followed something good”, I totally relate to this! After doing a lot of inner work I came to see I was magnifying the negatives and minimizing the positives, which is actually a trauma response!

      Survivalism requires we anticipate the next blow coming to us, whether physically or psychologically.

      A healed mind is able to see everything much more clearly! I now see opportunities in a perceived negative change, because I have come to understand that the universe has my back, so will help good emerge from the uncomfortable or even unwanted changes!

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  2. So many points in this resonated deeply with me. For so long now you have been encouraging me to speak kindly to myself, and saying in time it will become a habit. And I am starting to see that habit forming in me and its amazing effects! There are still heavy moments – but they pass so much easier and leave less of an impression when I practice self compassion and kindness towards them. Thank you for encouraging me and so many others down the path of healing self!

    Also, when you described happiness as a “gentle undercurrent to our lives” you put into words something I’ve been pondering recently as I’ve been feeling a new sort of feeling more often. I was struggling to understand it – but you’ve captured it wonderfully. It’s not a loud feeling, more of a background one, but if that background feeling used to be something “heavy” or “fearful” – then this change is life changing!

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    1. You’ve expressed exactly what I experienced too. I thought the feeling would be louder, more exuberant, but the gentleness turns out to be far more soothing. Amazing isn’t it how our brains can create new neural pathways that slowly become our go-to! Yes, the falls aren’t as low as they were before, and the climb up becomes easier. I’m happy to hear that you are processing along your path!

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  3. That first line on your flower pic speaks to me so much right now! And I just feel sorry for people who have the attitude you describe of wanting constant happiness. That’s just not what life is. But coming back up from the down times makes those “up” times so much better. My other thought is, hedonism is such a meaningless, empty existence.

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    1. Thank you so much! I agree with you, constant hedonism is a shallow existence, but we see the rich and famous, or the famous wannabes pushing it. I’m happy to have a simpler life where I can be content with family and friends. Yes, truly, life will have its upside and downs but when we know how, we can find our way back up! Have a great weekend and be patient with yourself!

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    1. Yes, inner work is key. Difficult but worth it. When we develop self compassion, everything starts to change.

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  6. This is so powerful and relatable, Tamara: “because I have done so much inner work to teach myself to speak kindly instead of harshly to myself, even my worst days are still better than a good day in the past,” and “happiness is a gentler feeling than what we have been led to believe.” I love, love, love the idea of happiness as a undercurrent, ever present yet rarely overwhelming! That’s the place I’ve arrived at also, and it feels like a truer form of happiness than over-the-top giddiness.

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    1. Yes, you feel it too! The gentle feelings of happiness feel so much more sustainable to me, my spirit feels at peace. The large size feelings of happiness really aren’t sustainable, but we have been led to believe we need to go big all the time.

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  7. So lovely to read your post Tamara – I’ve missed you and your common sense approach. I have to own up to irritation when the ‘happy happiness’ bug is overdone. I own up to not always feeling happy but it’s good to be open to it when it arrives – like the bluebird of happiness landing on my shoulder – sometimes only fleetingly but none the less appreciated for that.

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    1. Thank you Margaret, I appreciate your supportive words! Yes, I agree with you! I much prefer the gentle approach, it it more satisfying and sustainable.

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  8. Beautifully spoken Tamara, it is indeed a journey to feel and understand that their is always two sides to every story. Those emotions have shown us those many terrors…like sadness…so that when happiness comes along it will be so much more appreciated ‘because’ of what we have experienced. Those hard bits build the beauty of empathy, compassion and love ‘because’ of those experiences. And yes, so much is so, so hard…but…on the day we touch that love inside us, all I have spoken to all say the same thing. Each and every step is guiding us for who we are to find that understanding of that love within us. That meaning and purpose is ever there even though we can’t fully understand it for a long time.

    It’s like being an artist, in the beginning they are just many strokes and shades all around the canvas…but slowly its beauty will shine through because that master that is you, is bringing together those ideas, those hopes and dreams, to build something wonderful, and in the end see its beauty that only you can create from those very experiences.

    Great post kind lady, glad to hear from you. A break occasionally allows some more dreams and paint to trickle through 🤗🥰😀❤️🙏

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    1. “It’s like being an artist, in the beginning they are just many strokes and shades all around the canvas…but slowly its beauty will shine through because that master that is you, is bringing together those ideas, those hopes and dreams, to build something wonderful, and in the end see its beauty that only you can create from those very experiences.”

      I love this analogy Mark, being an artist myself. Yes, I needed the time off to finish writing the first draft of a book I have been working on for years. It was a growth process to do it. I feel lighter now that is done. Better able to return to blogging!

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  9. Tamara, thanks so much for your guiding light. As I’ve shared with you in the past, we share similar experiences of emotional abuse both at home and through the Church. Growing up in Guyana, we did not focus on pursuing happiness, but rather on being grateful for the simple joys in life. I appreciate your description of happiness being “a gentle undercurrent to our lives.” These days, when old pains rise to the surface, I allow them to flow through me and “to speak gently and kindly to [myself].”
    It’s good to hear from you 🙂 I hope that you are making progress with your writing project. Blessings ❤

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    1. Thank you Rosaliene for your kind words, they are lovely to hear. Yes, we need to allow old pains to flow through us. My first draft of the book is finished and it took me years of stopping and starting the writing, as it triggered old memories. I definitely had to allow them to move through me in order to have them leave. The gentle undercurrents are very welcome, aren’t they?!

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        1. I understand. When I was triggered, I realized that I needed to take time to go inwardly and work on healing from that particular thing. I knew that I was progressing with my healing when I was getting triggered less and less, and not as profoundly. It’s a difficult process, but while the act of writing propels one backwards into the past to relive in order to write, it also reveals the areas that need working on, where otherwise we may have tried to avoid it. I wish you all the best as you go through those past issues too.

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  10. I second Dr. Stein Tamara! Seeing your post this morning certainly qualifies as one of those small happiness moments for me! Thank you for the honest words. They are heartfelt and I agree with you.

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    1. Thanks so much Deb, your words are sweet to hear! It feels good to be back, I took some to finish writing the first draft of a book that has given me grief to write, and now I feel relieved to have done it.

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    1. Thank you Dr. Stein, it is good to return to blogging. I finished the first draft of a book that was very difficult to write, it took a lot out of me, but I feel relieved that it has been worked through.

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