The expression “Hurt people hurt others” has become so mainstream that it can be easy to dismiss the thought. In fact this easy dismissal can feel very triggering for some people who haven’t yet processed their trauma, let alone healed from it.
While I found it somewhat comforting to hear that bit of wisdom when I was still raw, there was a question hovering in the air. “Why would someone who has been terribly hurt ever wish to hurt others in return, when they know how awful it feels?”
The answer is more complicated than it seems at first glance. When people go through trauma, everyone processes it and internalizes it differently. We all sustain some level of damage, but some become more broken than others.
In the depths of this brokenness, some resolve to never do that same thing to another person, while others develop an inner need to have others around them feel as miserable as they do.
Unfortunately, some people just become wired to make others hurt or be miserable, their inner damage has become so internalized that hurting others seems like the only road to achieving relief. As anyone who has ever vented out on someone else knows, it may feel gratifying in the moment, but ultimately it doesn’t release the deep angst and pain, so like an addict some will “rinse and repeat” over and over, in order to get some sort of high.
Years ago my mother confessed to me she enjoyed “pushing other people’s buttons” to goad them to anger or crying, because it made her feel powerful over them.
I know from experience, that doing the deep, dark inner work can be very gut wrenching, but the lightness of senses after coming out of the dark tunnel is a wonderful feeling.
When we know the way through, we know how to return back when life throws us more curve balls, plus we get to share the steps with others.
Please peruse through more than 600 Archived Posts to find encouragement, support, and the steps to healing for yourself.
Here are a few motivational thoughts for you this week!
Our minds create new neural pathways with every thought and every action. Change your thoughts, and slowly the very chemistry of your brain will change. Negative, hurtful thoughts create stress hormones that affect our mental and physical health. Gradually transforming those thoughts will gradually transform your brain chemistry. Pretty incredible, isn’t it?
If you haven’t been told, YOU are worthy! You are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of having healthy relationships in your life.
You can start today to make little changes in your life that will gradually accumulate to more and more changing for the positive.
I believe in you!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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Blessings!
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Tamara
I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
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Tamara Kulish 
Thanks for sharing this, Tamara. I can’t believe your mother admitted to hurting people on purpose because it made her feel powerful!
I also affirm what you’ve said here about neural pathways. After an interview with a certified sex addiction therapist, he said he could tell my brain had changed, due to my having self-therapized.
I love that you’re encouraging healing as a way to not only be a better person, but also to treat people better, in general ❤
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Thank you for your kind words! Yes, healing brings us many benefits doesn’t it? Very much the ripple effect in our lives and I to the lives of those around us!
I’m very happy to hear that your interview with a therapist showed your healing! It doesn’t take long to see in a person!
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Thanks for this post, Tamara. I understand more about why hurt people hurt people since our conversations on my blog of the same name. You have fantastic insight into people’s minds and behaviours. I’m sorry you went through what you did with your mother. I find the whole subject of neural pathways fascinating. I first learned about this by reading one of the first of your books that I purchased. I still use them from time to time. They are full of good reminders and positive affirmations—excellent writing in them.
I haven’t seen or heard from the man in my group who uttered those words, and there are no bad people in the world. What puzzles me is that he is a counsellor and should have been able to ‘read the room’ better than he did. Surely, he should have stopped to think that there may be some vulnerable people in our group, as in society in general. The group leader said he’s away until the 23rd. It will be interesting to see what happens (if anything) or if he says anything, perhaps as a result of thinking about it further (if he has, although I know that’s unlikely). I feel nervous about seeing him again without, perhaps, having a quiet and sensitive private conversation with him. I will see how brave I feel a bit nearer the time. Right now, I have enough to cope with in my own life, although, at least today, I’ve managed to be productive and caught up with lots of blogs I’ve been keeping open on tabs on my laptop, some for weeks! At least I feel I’ve achieved something positive today, and that’s made me feel better about things. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom, Tamara. Xx 💐
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I’m very glad that I could be of help to you Ellie! You are making good progress! Kudos! If you should see that man, hold your head high, if you feel triggered you are free to leave.
I once heard that some very damaged people are attracted to becoming therapists because subconsciously they realize they need healing. He may fall into that category, but I don’t know. One would think he would know better, but he may not have developed the empathy he needs.
No matter what, focus on your path, not his. Release him to the universe, for it may have plans for him to learn more on a deeper level.
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Thank you so much for your wise words of advice, Tamara. I will do just that. Your encouragement really helps me in these, often, difficult situations, and for that I’m very grateful. Xx
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I’m grateful that my words can be of help to you Ellie! Keep on this path!
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My father was like your mother. He always made sure that the whole family was as miserable as him.
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I’m sorry to hear that Dawn, having family like that makes life very challenging. Thankfully we can choose to live differently!
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This post is incredible and wise, Tamara. I especially like this paragraph: Our minds create new neural pathways with every thought and every action. Change your thoughts, and slowly the very chemistry of your brain will change. Negative, hurtful thoughts create stress hormones that affect our mental and physical health. Gradually transforming those thoughts will gradually transform your brain chemistry. Pretty incredible, isn’t it?
It is incredible, and I believe it based on other things I’ve seen or read. I want to remember it always. That Fred Rogers quote is also wonderful. What a great, kind man he was.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Tamara!
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I’m happy this resonates with you! Yes, these are truths we need to remember and share with others, for they help give us strength to change!
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A much needed post for the word we live in. For me, I try too hard not to hurt others because I’ve been hurt before. I wish I knew how to set better boundaries but I’m working on it.
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Wow, yes boundaries are important to set, but difficult to do so with some people. Start slowly, and build.Value your peace of mind, for if they’re walking all over your boundaries, they aren’t so concerned with how it affects you, they expect you to go along. If your mental health no longer allows you to go along, your priority is to guard your health! Best wishes to you, I know this is difficult.
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I’m trying to do just that but it’s been hard. I feel very guilty when I set boundaries and end up feeling worse than before. Hopefully that will go away with enough practice. Thanks so much.
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Yes, it takes practice! Some of the people who erode the boundaries also use guilt as manipulation to keep you from standing up for yourself. Some people can feel very intimidating to set boundaries with, but it does become easier with practice.
They’re also subtly fighting you to keep the status quo intact, for it suits them to erase your boundaries. Please keep in mind that your mental health is just as worthy as their comfort to not change! …maybe more worthy, because you’re unhappy, while they are happy at your expense?
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That’s very true. Of course, our happiness is just as important. Thanks so much.
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Absolutely! It can be difficult to prioritize our health and happiness! Keep going!
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Thank you for highlighting the complexities of ‘hurt people hurt others’ Tamara.
I think there are examples of this happening quite frequently where it isn’t deliberate or intended ( by the hurt person ). It can be unavoidable due to their hurt tumbling out and affecting almost everything they say and do. Thankfully, healing work and therapy can help turn things around.
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Very true, often hurt is passed unintentionally, simply because people aren’t healed and they’re responding to life from that space. This truth can be very helpful for releasing resentments.
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Indeed Tamara, and it is a long journey…but a very powerful one in what we finally reach 😀❤️🙏
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Wonderful quotes that enrich my day. Thank you so much, Tamara. Understanding that “hurt people hurt others” can elevate our empathy and compassion for others. Never at the cost of our own peace and safety.
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Very true Michelle, just because we understand people and have empathy for them, doesn’t mean that we give permission to be hurt. This is where we develop wisdom to guard our lives. Glad you enjoyed this post!
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🙏🏻🦋🌷
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😎🤓😎
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Thanks for sharing your insights and words of wisdom, Tamara. Our journey to self-worth and self-love can be long and tortuous, but we can get there ❤
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Indeed Rosaliene, the road can be long and winding, but as long as we keep moving forward, even incrementally, we move towards where we need to be. Keep speaking kindly and gently to yourself, giving yourself the very grace you would bestow upon a beloved friend!
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Working on it!
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That’s the important part, to keep working on it!
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An encouraging post. I would add that sometimes clumsiness come off as intentional harm. But you are right, we often become (like) the thing we hate. Thanks, Tamara.
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You add a depth of perspective I need to think on more Dr. Stein! Thank you!
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Love these hopeful and encouraging thoughts. Your point about neural pathways is so powerful! Thank you, Tamara!
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I’m glad you got the nut of it Wynne! Yes, our thoughts are more powerful than we realize!
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Loving people love others. We always give out what we are, we can’t help it. So if we focus on us, heal the hurt that is us…we will change and become that healing. And through that process begin to love who we are, then give that beauty out. Well written Tamara, you dared to heal you…and understand that love within it 😀❤️🙏
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You totally understand Mark! Yes, a healed heart becomes loving and compassionate towards others and wishes to help others on their path!
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