by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

A very needed fresh start

For the long weekend of Columbus Day (US)/Thanksgiving (Canada) my daughter and I flew up to Montreal for my mother’s funeral. Normally funerals can be very tiring, sad emotional events, but this was also very freeing for many people.

In my books and in my many posts I’ve written about my mother being my primary abuser, I’ve written about the inner work and healing I’ve done, as well as the many lessons I’ve learned along the way. I also wrote how me, my daughter and my brother were able to give my mother a gentle send-off in the hours just before her death, not because she deserved it, but because of who we had grown into as a result of our deep inner work.

This weekend the 3 of us experienced a reconnection with my stepmother’s family that was deeply moving and oh so needed. You see, my mother had also verbally abused our stepmother, for years, to the point that it affected her health. After our dad died, the relationship with our step-family was shaken, and some emotionally closed ranks on us, no doubt to keep our mother’s influence far away.

Those family members attended our mother’s funeral, not to mourn her, but to offer us emotional support. It represented a fresh new start, one we all needed and desired, but could only happen when our mother was laid to rest in the ground. All the old pains were laid there in that hole, and we all walked away feeling light and free from the past.

We as a culture have long held the belief that “we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead”, but that often doesn’t help the living to process their past traumas. Semi-deifying an abuser after their death only adds to the mental and emotional burdens of the living victims. Instead, we need to be able to speak honestly and factually about the past. This is very cleansing and allows those old shadows to be released.

Sometimes it takes the funerals of certain family members to truly make the separation from the past, and to allow the living to choose to live in loving, emotionally healthy ways. Sometimes funerals offer a fresh start for the living, and I don’t believe it’s being disloyal to the dead.

We were able to speak candidly with each other, and the old grime and dust was now gone, leaving us with a fresh start.

An ending produced a whole new beginning, and I’m very grateful for this.

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Tamara

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17 thoughts on “A very needed fresh start”

    1. Yes, closure is very necessary. We also received the blessing of a fresh start, something we hadn’t thought would happen, but did. For that I’m deeply grateful.

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    1. Thank you Rosaliene, it was truly very special to have their support and to reconnect with them. I feel very grateful.

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  5. I think it’s more like speaking our truth rather than speaking ill of the dead. What you went through was very real and not being honest about it would only lead to those suppressed feelings coming out in other ways. I’m so glad you were able to attend the funeral and let go of past trauma.

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    1. Thanks so much Pooja. Yes, you’re very right, speaking our truth is important. I wasn’t worried about ruffling feathers, for if anyone had an issue with what I said, that’s a them problem, not one compelling me to change what I said.

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  6. Beautiful, Tamara! Here’s to new starts from candid speech and support. Love how your inner work led to both the send off for your mom and the new beginning. Such a fantastic example of how our growth helps others!

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    1. Thanks Wynne! Yes, it’s quite an interesting process and the journey to the results was surprising. We weren’t expecting it, so it became very moving for us to experience.

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  7. Agreed, Tamara. Sometimes the death permits the wounds to vanish, as you say, with time and work. Good for you and for the others.

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    1. Thanks Dr. Stein. Yes, this has been a blessing for all of us. When our dad died it was very hard on us. We had a great relationship with him, so we took his loss very hard. My mother’s death has been more of a relief for all of us. We’re all cognizant that it’s a blessing.

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