by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

An important lesson I learned after my mother’s last hours

I shared last week about the life lesson my mother learned while on her deathbed, but I learned a valuable lesson from the pastor who visited my mother in the hospital. He had visited her 2 days in a row, the 1st day didn’t start out well for Pastor Jay, but his actions showed me a valuable lesson in handling bullies.

Pastor Jay spoke with my brother and told him how the visit went, and I was just shaking my head when my brother retold it to me.

My mother’s behavior was apparently “crusty” towards the pastor when he first visited (even though she was a deeply religious Pentecostal). When he apologized for not having a Bible to give to her as he had just given one out at a visit prior to hers, her response was to start playing the “air” violin at him.

He questioned her, asking, “{Name} what are you doing?”

She replied, “You know what I’m doing.”

This is where the brilliant lesson comes in. A lesson I had read about, but hadn’t seen or heard put into motion.

The lesson? Ask the person to tell you exactly what they mean, because when they have to say it out loud, and spell it out, it reveals the pettiness and the mean-spiritedness of their action.

This is what Pastor Jay did. “No {Name}, I want you to tell me exactly what you mean by your gesture.”

My mother was called out. She started to sputter, then went silent, for she realized that she was being disrespectful to someone who took time to visit her in the hospital while she was morbidly ill.

She still chose her behavior, in spite of her circumstances, and Pastor Jay wasn’t letting someone bully him, even if they were on their deathbed. Pastor Jay wasn’t being rude back. He was just asking her to explain what she meant by her action, which caused her to pause and then to stop her behavior.

His one question caused her to pause, reflect and to stop her behavior.

I see that example as very powerful. It shows me that
a) even in a situation where we may want to excuse a person’s behavior, we don’t need to, nor should we, and
b) if someone chooses to bully us, we don’t have to retreat into “quiet victim mode” and just take it.

I hope you’ll remember how Pastor Jay handled this difficult situation and if anyone tries to bully you or is rude or disrespectful to you, to ask them, “What do you mean by that? Please explain it to me.” I cannot guarantee the person will back off; they may very well dig in their heels and go deeper.

If the person backs off, then an actual conversation may be possible. If the person digs deeper, then an exit strategy would be a good idea to plan for, whether it’s leaving the room, leaving the house, or asking a guest to leave.

It’s important for US to remember, we aren’t anyone’s victim!

Blessings to you!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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23 thoughts on “An important lesson I learned after my mother’s last hours”

  1. I love this, Tamara.

    Usually people will be caught off guard if you call them out on behavior right then in the moment. And it does require them to actually stop being mean and explain…out loud.

    Thank you for sharing this.

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    1. Yes, it’s a magical, secret ingredient to navigating people who are unkind or thoughtless. Hearing a Pastor use it is quite powerful.

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  2. Pingback: Does asking for forgiveness in the final moments of life count? – Tamara Kulish

  3. Calling someone out or having them explain their behaviour really helps because it forces them to reflect on their behaviour and doesn’t excuse it/enable them. And you’re so right about the victim mentality, if we get stuck always seeing ourselves as the victim it does so much harm. We have to learn to set boundaries, call out toxic behaviour and live in a way that honours us.

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    1. This. Exactly! I used to get caught up in the “nice” person trap where I feared setting boundaries because I didn’t want the other person to think I was a bitch. It took a lot of work to see there was a whole middle ground between the 2. That’s part of how our abusers control us, they innately know we fear being seen as mean or awful, so they push those buttons within us, making us feel that if we set healthy boundaries that we are now bitches. I suppose setting boundaries is such an anathema to them, that they would see us that way, because we no longer give in to the manipulation. I’ve learned to be okay with how they think of me, those are their thoughts, and I’m allowed to set my boundaries so they can no longer push my buttons.

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      1. Yeah, I think they do that on purpose so we’re too scared to set boundaries. I became really scared to say no because I would have to deal with things like the silent treatment or tantrums. That made me stop calling out the bad behaviour.

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        1. Yes, exactly, they’re like genius toddlers, using bad behavior to get us to do what they want, because they’ve seen that many people will cave in rather than choosing to confront them.

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  4. Kudos to the pastor. This is a brilliant and beautiful lesson and, as others have mentioned, it’s lovely how Pastor Jay was able to do so respectfully. Thank you for sharing, Tamara. ❤️

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  5. I agree, Tamara. I would add that the Pastor also took her seriously, honoring their communication and the value of the time spent together. If we try, some of us can learn even to the very last moment.

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    1. Thanks so much Wynne! Yes, hearing about how my mother responded and backed down was quite eye-opening, for it demonstrated to me that one doesn’t have to get drawn into the drama the other person is creating, but one can remain in their calm space but still address what the other person is trying to do. The fact that Pastor Jay handled my mother in this way, even though she was within the last couple of days of her life, showed me one can gently call someone one, without needing to back down or make excuses for them. It was very powerful.

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  9. Well explained Tamara, it does indeed put them on the spot…and…even if they go deeper, the next time they see you they probably won’t try that tact again because you put them in such an awkward place. Great post kind lady, thank you 🤗❤️🙏

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    1. Thank you Mark! Yes, putting them on the spot seems to be the way to handle those types of situations. It doesn’t require getting angry or defensive but staying calm in one’s space. A valuable tool when dealing with drama-making people.

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