Often in relationships we’re kind of blind to our own shortcoming and misdeeds, while we easily feel very comfortable with assigning more serious points to the other person. What we do gets assigned less serious points while the other person is always much more of the bad guy than we could ever be. Am I right?

I grew up in a household where my mother was never able to accept responsibility for her words or actions, where she always had a list of things she could fall back on to explain away her behavior, everything except taking ownership and being able to apologize. She kept this list fiercely close to her heart, right up until a couple of hours before her death, in the midst of a conversation with Pastor J. During the first half and beyond of my life that left me struggling with how to accept responsibility of my own words and actions, for blame-shifting was a tool I had learned.

In my second marriage I was attracted to a man as deeply damaged as I was, and because of his alcoholism and drug addiction, it was easy for me to blame him for all our communication problems and the issues in our marriage, while completely downplaying how I could speak unkindly and judgmentally to him.

I became an excellent martyr. I saw all his shortcomings very clearly, so clearly that it was easy to brush my own under the rug. I got so tied up in being the martyr that I became very judgmental towards him. As a person seeking validation and acceptance, this martyr identity was deeply comforting and helped prop up my sense of self.

It was only after our divorce that a couple of people said to me that I needed to look into myself and see where I had done wrong to him in the marriage. Oof, the martyr in me reared up on her hind legs and full denial stepped her foot in the door. It was only much later that I was able to carefully start disrobing myself of the martyr mantle. It was very hard to do; I derived so much of my self-esteem from that false image of myself. It was my shield meant to protect me from more heartache but it also stopped me from seeing myself clearly.

Assigning blame and some kind of point system to other’s behaviors is a symptom of all the things we need to heal in our lives.

I’m not saying that there is no blame at all, but choosing to see it as a one-sided issue prevents us from seeing the areas we need to heal and to work on.

When you cal tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed. – Unknown

When we heal, we’re able to speak about the facts calmly without getting all caught up in the emotions of it or feeling the need to defend ourselves so strongly. When we heal we’re able to look at all sides and see where we need to grow and to learn.

Coming from toxic backgrounds sets us up for all kinds of damage that comes out as low self-esteem, self-sabotage and a whole slew of other destructive behaviors. When we don’t heal we tend to gravitate to friends and partners who likewise hold unhealed damage, without us even realizing it.

I gravitated to unhealed people; I felt far more comfortable with them than emotionally healed people. I rejected healthier, saner ways of approaching life because they didn’t hold the same sizzle that the drama-inducing choices had. I struggled to see how I was choosing those people in my life and I was choosing to participate in those situations instead of walking away. I felt so strongly connected to those things that it felt very disloyal to refuse to participate or to go no contact with those people. My boundaries were so messed up and as a result I was easily manipulated without my realizing until too late.

My healing came slowly, in layers, and as I discarded old ways of thinking and slowly developed new ones, those drama inducing people and circumstances no longer held the same allure and draw. I no longer felt it was my “duty” to try to “help” them. I no longer felt connected to them. I no longer saw the appeal. I no longer felt responsible for them.

We all have baggage, demons even, some more than others.

Shoving them down and trying to ignore them doesn’t get rid of them, they just fester in all the rage, anger and pain. The only way to get them out is to bring them out through talk, written and spoken therapy (whether solo, group or private sessions) and to find other gentle therapies for our spirit. We will discover that often our baggage consists of unhealthy patterns of thinking, often internalized from how we were treated or talked to by people who were very damaged themselves, for no healthy, loving person treats others that way and lets them believe all the horrible things about themselves.

This kind of growth and healing always comes from within us. It’s scary to look inwards for we fear seeing a monster, but in reality, we see a person who had been hurt and damaged by life and who really needs to have grace and to be nurtured.

A huge part of our healing is teaching ourselves to like and to care for ourselves.

We do this by suspending judgement of ourself and instead practicing to speak kindly and to give ourselves grace. It will feel uncomfortable and unnatural in the beginning, for we weren’t treated that way when we were young. This may seem disconnected from the behaviors I spoke about above, but it’s all connected.

Many people have told me that when they did that hard inner healing they too were to step away from those people and situations they once felt powerless over.

Taking ownership of our thoughts and actions isn’t a self-destroying thing.

We all mess up, we all make mistakes. We can learn from our mistakes. We can grow. We can heal. We all can if we give ourselves the chance and the time to do so.

It won’t happen rapidly or by simply realizing there is a need to do so. It will take a lot of time and practice. When we peel away one layer of the onion, we need to put into practice the lessons we learn. This is all part of rewiring our brains. Some days we will succeed, while other days we may be curled into a howling ball of tears.

The trick is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We need to keep picking ourselves up and dusting oursves off by giving ourselves supportive pep-talks: “Okay, you got this. Keep going.”

The temptation is to give up doing the work when it gets hard.

That’s perfectly normal and part of the process. The trick is to keep taking it one baby step at a time. Trust me, forward progress no matter how tiny the steps is still progress. If that’s all your spirit can handle, that’s perfectly fine. Keep doing those steps, they accumulate and over time there will be progress.

I believe in you!

Do something nice for yourself today, tomorrow and each day forward!

• Accepting and Embracing the Depressed Side of Ourselves
• Allowing 2 truths to coexist isn’t nuts!
• As you think so shall you be!
• Baby steps serve a purpose to allow us to keep moving forward!
• Brain Rewiring
• Can emotional regulation help prevent crime and addictions?
• Challenge: When a negative thought enters your mind, think three positive ones. Train yourself to flip the script!
• Change how you see and see how you change.
• Self-worth is so vital to your happiness Part 1
• Self-worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don’t feel good about you, it’s hard to feel good about anything else. Part 2
• You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem!
• Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you!
• Your mind is a garden, Your thoughts are the seeds.
• Your past mistakes are meant to guide you not define you!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

My books: Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks ||  Anger Journal || Guided Anxiety Journal  ||  Joy & Mindfulness Journal   ||  My Boundaries Journal  || My Inner Thoughts Journal   

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