We all want to know if a relationship with someone new in our life will work out, and honestly, the best way is to go slowly in getting to know them. There are signs however, if a relationship will be difficult.

Rushing in with long, frequent dates may seem wonderful, heady, and like a match made in heaven, but it just creates a false sense of intimacy. Long hours spent together do not necessarily equal getting to who a person is, when we’re focused on presenting our best selves and having a fun time. When we feel this false sense of intimacy, we tend to filter out anything that makes us uncomfortable, because we just want to experience this rush of endorphins for a long time. We just want to feel good, and to continue to feel good!

A few weeks or months later, we’re shocked when the amazing person we first met no longer seems to be the same person, and we bend over backwards to try to have that person re-appear. After a certain amount of time, we stay with the person, even though things are obviously going downhill, but we lie to ourselves, saying it’s us, we did something wrong, and if we just keep trying, then that wonderful person will come back.

It’s often only when we’re broken down by the unhealthiness in the relationship that we’re willing to consider they may not be right for us and we need to break up with them.

We scratch our heads, “Where did it go wrong?” we ask ourselves. “Why didn’t I see this before?”

What if we could? What if we could predict where things would end up?

The article “When You Hear These 18 Phrases, Prepare for a Difficult Personality” by Martha A. Lavallie shows us many phrases that are signature go-tos of many controllers and gas lighters. Of course, one phrase alone doesn’t necessarily mean the person is an abuser, but if you see a pattern of these, pay attention!

This is where getting to know someone at a slower pace will show what their communication patterns are and how they interact with others around them, not just with someone they want to impress.

Let’s take a look at these kinds of phrases or behaviors which fall into different buckets:

Minimizing/ Dismissive – these types of phrases shift blame onto the recipient, or the person who’s been hurt. This implies there’s something wrong with your emotional response rather than their words or behavior.

• “You’re overreacting”
• “You’re too sensitive”
• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”
• “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…”

Put-downs or name calling – minimizes one person while aggrandizing the other. This shows the person doesn’t have respect for you to speak nicely to you.

• “You’re lucky to have me”
• “You’re just like your mother/father”
• “You’re just like my ex”
• “You’re crazy”
• “You’re being stupid”
• “An idiot would know that”
• “Why don’t you know that at your age?”

Lack of communication, inability to communicate in a healthy manner. Obviously there’s not going to be any productive communication. This may stem from the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”, but in relationships we need to learn to communicate in healthy ways with each other.

• Stonewalling
• Ghosting
• Silent treatment

All or nothing thinking that puts people on the defensive and keeps us walking on eggshells, because we don’t want to feel criticized.

• “You always/never…”
• Positioning Arguments as ‘Right Versus Wrong’ – as ‘who’s right’ and ‘who’s wrong’

Blame shifting, not taking responsibility for their own behavior, words, emotions.

• “You made me do it”
• “Look at what you made me do”
• “I’m not perfect, but at least I’m not as bad as…”

Shield for cruel behavior

• “I was just joking”
• “I’m just being honest”

Gaslighting, lying – they’re trying to create a reality where they are blameless. They deny their behavior and words and try to appear much better than they are.

• “I never said that”
• “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed”
• “I’m not like other girls/guys”

Manipulative – it’s a way to coerce you into doing things you may not be comfortable with.

• “If you really loved me, you would…”
• “You owe me”
• “You should know what I want without me having to tell you”
• Threatening To Leave/Threats of Divorce – as a way to get their way
• Threats of Self-Harming or suicide
• Guilt Tripping

Physical intimidation or outbursts – just because someone isn’t outright hitting you, doesn’t mean there aren’t signs their temper may get out of hand

• Hitting walls
• Throwing things
• Breaking things
• Pushing for sex when you don’t want it
• Physically restraining you from being able to leave
• Pushing you down

When we take our time to really get to know a person, we get to choose if we want to pursue a friendship with them or decide if they should even be in our life at all.

Pay attention to your gut, not just the butterflies and hormones! If your gut is telling you that this person is making you feel bad about yourself and who you are, maybe you should ask yourself if they’re right for you! Are you losing confidence in yourself, questioning yourself, or are you feeling better about yourself, relaxed and happy?

It’s okay to say, “This isn’t working for me.” If they question you and then do their best to talk you out of it, look at that too, for they might just be minimizing what you’re saying – see above list.

As I said, one phrase or sentence doesn’t necessarily mean the person is unhealthy or toxic to be around, get to know them enough to see if this is a pattern of behavior.

We all know that relationships take work to make them work out, but if it feels like you’re doing all the work, whether physically, emotionally or both, take a look at that. Examine if the same behaviors just keep repeating in spite of apologies.

We all deserve to be in healthy, loving relationships, and we’re all a work in progress. If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, it’s probably a good idea to spend some time working on yourself. There’s no shame in that, in fact it is a sign of growing emotional maturity to admit it and to take the time to do so. So kudos to you!

As you can see, there’s no crystal ball to predict the outcome of any relationship, however there are patterns of behavior that are sign posts. Take the time you need to get to know one another in day-to-day situations not just fun dates and events.

If you’re recovering from exactly one of those relationships that have torn you up, and you need some support and strengthening before you can even begin to look at making inner changes, here’s a page with dozens and dozens of links that will lift you up.

I’ve got some supportive posts for you for gentle growth:

• Love is NOT all you need!
• We’re all a work in progress
• You are allowed to be both a Masterpiece and a Work in Progress, simultaneously.
• As we practice being gentle and kind with ourselves, we actually help to speed the process of helping our lives become more positive!
• By changing our inner dialogue, we change EVERYTHING!
• Loving Ourselves… means we don’t always put ourselves LAST!
• It’s all about LOVE! When judging hurts…
• Never lower your standards just because you are lonely. It is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong person.
• Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.
• Setting “Boundaries with consequences”
• Is Love Enough to Help Someone Kick a Drug Habit?
• “What kind of love do I allow in my life?”

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

My books: Now available through Walmart.com!

Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks ||  Anger Journal || Guided Anxiety Journal  ||  Joy & Mindfulness Journal   ||  My Boundaries Journal  || My Inner Thoughts Journal   

Thanks for buying my books on Amazon!

#writing #InspirationalWriting #art #creativity #strength #mentor #teacher #HappinessGuru #love #growth #healing #life, #inspiration, #quotes #happiness #joy #PersonalGrowth #pain #depression #anxiety #SelfEsteem, #LifeSkills #empowerment #encouragement #support #intuition #journal #consciousness #mind #learn #God #universe #angels #spiritual #spirit #awareness #journal #boundaries #emotionalhealth #mentalhealth #emotions