by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Giving ourselves permission to be “less than” others, but still 100% ourselves

meme by Buddha Heart from Facebook

James wrote we should have “Progress not perfection!” as goal in our lives, instead of having a mindset of needing to complete our to-do lists in life and I agree. He stated the obvious that we all get discouraged about, that as soon as we complete our list, a whole new one pops up! He was saying we need to change our perspectives on how we see those things, and instead of a mountain we continually need to conquer, we see our lives as a continuous road. Well said!

I try to live my life this way, for the other way is unsustainable.

I learned that lesson when I had chronic Shingles for 10 years, that sucked all my energy reserves dealing with pain and lack of good sleep. I had a couple of supportive people around me who understood what I was going through, but unfortunately most of the people didn’t, and rather they labeled me with unflattering terms.

The emotional and physical pressure of trying to live up to the levels they operated at and expected me to was exhausting and only compounded my health issues. My physical recovery needed me to come to terms with those pressures, and to release the words they spoke about me.

I had to come to a point that I could accept my limitations, and just give myself the space to be less amazing than them, while realizing I was giving my 100%, even though it was less than others. I needed to learn to own my health issues and allow myself to be less stellar than others, and to understand that part of their expectations of me reflected the pressures they put on themselves.

I learned the expectations that others place on us is also reflective of the pressure they place on themselves or is a compensation for their own perceived shortcomings, and isn’t always realistic for our own lives. Interestingly, I was able to accomplish so much in the creativity and writing arena and to be expected, was far less output than some, but much greater than others.

Constantly comparing ourselves to others is exhausting, and serves no use, for there will ALWAYS be those who do so much more or so much less! It’s much more important to just allow ourselves to do what we are able to do, at that point in time!

(Here’s a shout out to Wynne Leon for her thoughts on comparing ourselves to others.)

I spent too many years of my life trying to fit in, to be “normal”, and I think that people have a radar when we’re trying to do exactly that, and they’re only too happy to point out ALL the ways we aren’t succeeding! That was my experience anyway. As soon as I started embracing myself just as I am and not trying to fit into anyone else’s ideas of “normal”, I found that I didn’t have anyone trying to critique me anymore. That was eye-opening to me!

How are you doing in this area? Are you knocking yourself out trying to live up to expectations that you have heard or internalized? Have you been able to analyze the above points in your own life?

Are you okay with accepting yourself if you’re not as stellar as others? What does that mean anyway in the grand scheme of things? Who sets the standards for your own life, you or them?

If we are steadily accomplishing things in our lives and on our to-do lists, who is the Grand-Marshall them or you?

I’m okay with being less stellar than others because I know I accomplish things on my own schedule and just because I don’t measure up to person A, B or C’s performance or output, doesn’t mean I am actually “less-than”!

Remember this, just because you do less than person A, B or C, doesn’t mean you are “less-than” either!

How about you? Are you willing and ready to accept doing less if it helps you to manage your life?

Progress not perfection!

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Tamara

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50 thoughts on “Giving ourselves permission to be “less than” others, but still 100% ourselves”

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  12. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. Once I gave up my perfectionist ways, I began living a much healthier life, so your message resonates deeply, Tamara.

    Also, I had no idea you could have shingles for 10 years!

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    1. Ah, giving up perfectionism! No one really needs it, and we definitely benefit from not trying to achieve it! Good for you! I’m so happy to hear your life has improved since you gave that up!

      One Shingles episode won’t last for 10 years, however, it is possible to have repeated episodes, which is what I had. I was struggling with them, more on than off. Going through an episode right now, triggered by a blood draw that apparently hit a nerve. Practicing strong self-care is what gets me through it!

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        1. Unfortunately yes, if one doesn’t get rest and continues to push themselves hard as I did! The upside is I learned the value of self care! (Planning on going for a Chinese massage today after work!)

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    1. Yes, they were on and off, mostly on. It was very challenging, particularly since many people couldn’t understand my chronic fatigue from lack of sleep from the pain. I wasn’t well supported then! My life is completely different now, thankfully!!

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        1. Thanks, me too! I had to learn how to manage my stress, how to practice getting rest and sleep, eating healthily, taking lots of supplements for my immune system… it’s a lot of things all together that make it work!

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  14. Ten years! Poor dear. I am glad to read your life is healthier and more balanced now, emotionally and physically. Stress can manifest itself in many ways. I’ve been letting go of unrealistic expectations, of myself and others, since my first day of teaching, many years ago. It has been a journey for me… I am getting there! 😅

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    1. Indeed it is a journey! We each get the opportunity to do it and it is up to each of us how far we will walk on our paths! Thank you for your words of encouragement! Much appreciated! Hope your week is wonderful!

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    1. I’m so glad this piece resonated with you Chaya! I agree with you, that is the kernel of the post, and so important to carry with us! Thanks so much for stopping in! Hope your week is wonderful!

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  16. There’s certainly a degree of privacy in what you decide to share with others abut yourself. I think it’s important to share only what you feel comfortable with at the time. Why bother with unnecessary criticism from others? Do you agree?

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    1. Usfman, you’re very correct, we GET to choose what we share with others! For example, I will share about myself in this space because the WP community is generally very supportive, but I withhold sharing with certain people in my life who have shown me that they don’t have a basic understanding of boundaries and who will quite willingly trample over mine in order to make themselves feel superior!

      That’s our choice we each get to make! Thanks for stopping in today!

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    1. Rosaliene, you are doing very well with this, from where I stand observing! There will always be those who can zoom past us, seemingly effortlessly while we slog through the trenches, but that doesn’t reflect badly on us! I believe that time is a gift we have been given in this life, and as long as we’re working on our issues, even if it seems painfully slow, our spirit is progressing! Giving ourselves to go at our own pace allows us to dig deeply into areas we need to!

      Is the quick person fast because they have grasped the lessons sooner due to a better ability than us, or maybe because they haven’t gone very deep? No one can really know that answer. Even if the other person were 100 times more skilled at learning the lessons doesn’t mean that we will be able to speed up our own process! The time it takes us then becomes irrelevant, for as long as we’re learning and practicing new ways, then that is the progress we need to look to!

      (I know people who refuse to get into the starting blocks, who say “if Jesus loves and accepts me the way I am, why do I need to change?” So they build a barrier against change and growth!)

      Keep going Rosaliene, *sound of cheering*, you’re on the path for growth!

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  18. Love your point that when we try to be “normal,” others point out how we’re not living up to that but when we let it go – we experience freedom from so much. Oh and your insight, “I learned the expectations that others place on us is also reflective of the pressure they place on themselves” Amazing! Thanks for the great post and also for the shoutout! XOXO

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    1. I’m smiling Wynne! Thanks! It’s interesting to ponder about the pressures people are actually placing on themselves isn’t it?! Trying to fit in and be normal won’t work because it entails sublimating vital parts of ourselves. (Of course I’m not speaking of letting one’s rage reign free or other behaviors that are destructive to ourselves and to others!) Learning who we are and giving ourselves permission to live our truest selves is the best gift we can give ourselves, and the outward ripple effect to others is profound too… huh, I forgot to mention that! May need to go back and add a little about it!

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  20. I imagine Marcus Aurelius might appeal to you, Tamara. This is from his Meditations:

    “Do not waste the remainder of thy life in thoughts about others…For thou losest the opportunity of doing something else when thou hast such thoughts as these: ‘What is such a person doing, and why, and what is he saying, and what is he thinking of, and what is he contriving,’ and whatever else of the kind makes us wander away from our own ruling power.” (Marcus Aurelius, IV.4)

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    1. Oh, I love this Dr. Stein! No matter how long ago someone else has discovered this truth, we still need to learn it now! In fact every person in every generation has to learn this lesson for themselves! Interesting how we each still need to give ourselves permission to walk this path of discovery!

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  21. So well said Tamara, and I absolutely agree. Letting others expectations of us force competition and then adding our own to the mix serves no real purpose. There is no such thing as the perfect human yet somehow every message wants us to believe we can achieve perfection. I’m good with who and what I am. I do wish everyone else could see that.

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    1. Deb, even if those other people cannot see it, you still can! If a gay person is surrounded by straight people and receives a lot of criticism, the straight people may never be able to give the validation the gay person craves from them. Or if a person is artistic and is surrounded by non-artistic people, they may never receive the support they crave. I could go on of course with examples, but sometimes the people we are surrounded by will never be able to understand us or be able to support us, because it simply isn’t part of their own inner world.

      This is exactly why we need to each get comfortable in our own skins and give ourselves permission to live our most authentic lives! We also need to seek out like-minded people!

      Kudos to you Deb for stepping out onto your own path!

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  22. The fact is those situations turn us back inside to see ourselves in a whole new light, an empathy for us in experiencing them and feel that change within us. One cannot go through something so profoundly and not be changed by it. And in that change is an understanding…of us. Where before so much had importance, they no longer do. Where before we touched others hearts, we now touch our own. That change is now what we give out…only because it now is what we give ourselves. Understanding that removes that ‘need’ to judge ourselves or others, it gives an ability to see that we are all different, as are those situations…and they are all difficult for us all, regardless the event. Empathy understands this and lets go the judgement in that wisdom gained. Great post kind lady, may we be changed by that understanding, from wherever it may come 😀❤️🙏🎄🎅

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      1. Mark as I was reading, I was thinking that someone else writes in your style! Lol! I see it was you!

        Yes, it’s quite amazing isn’t to travel to the other side of the vortex and to be able to release old worries and hurts, for the insight we gain from learning to accept and to love ourselves creates a whole new place for our hearts and minds to live in! Years ago I saw others do it before me and I was envious of where they were, so I suppose that pushed me off the beach where I was to be able to swim through the inner turbulence to be able to emerge on a brand new beach, where I could walk in peace!

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