by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Overcoming having been othered, and why you may not be as “different” or as rejected as you might believe!

I had to chew on this post by Dr. Stein, Alienation, Music, and Finding a Soulmate, for a little bit, probably because I spent many years feeling ‘othered’.

Feeling alienated from the world is not a new phenomenon.

We believe we don’t belong, and our lack of confidence underscores our strangeness. Authenticity becomes dangerous for fear of exposing our dislocation, as if there were a flaw in our manufacture, putting us in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Alienation, Music, and Finding a Soulmate, by Dr. Stein,

I not only felt different, but I had many people telling me to drop my art making, “that was the cause of me being different”, they told me. I did try to comply. I did try to stop creating in order to be seen as being acceptable to them and it nearly broke me. I felt more than bereft. I felt like I was dropping the very voice and language I used to process life and to communicate. It felt like carving a piece of me out.

When I realized that I needed to just accept that I wasn’t like a lot of people, that I was indeed different, and that it wasn’t a bad thing, I reached a point of fully accepting myself and later teaching myself to like and later love myself for the mixed bag I was. Interestingly, after that the naysayers dropped away.

Being different isn’t the problem, I discovered.

It was the lack of self-acceptance and lack of liking myself that telegraphed itself to others, and in their efforts to “fix” or “mend” me, I had interpreted it as them rejecting the very things that sustained me.

They were in their way, trying to help me. They weren’t creative themselves, nor were they driven by any passions, so they attributed my own brokenness as being the fault of what made me different from them.

Being broken from my childhood experiences with an abusive mother was seen as something a person had to just shrug off. Inner healing wasn’t talked about, it was actually seen as something shameful to need, so we were encouraged to shove our brokenness down, to ignore it, to pretend we were whole and happy. The charade, the facade was vital, and collectively it was a bargain we made with each other, but not everyone was able to sustain it, so mental health issues, anger management issues, drug and alcohol issues as well as turning ones pain into anger against marginalized or people who were deemed ‘others’, surfaced as by-products of people trying to keep up the facade that threatened to crumble at any moment.

There’s a great fear of looking inwardly to seek healing, for there’s a deep inborne fear than one will find a monster inside. I know I felt that way. All the terrible names I had been called by my mother just made it seem so obvious to me.

A child who was mistreated or abused internalizes those messages, for intrinsically all know a mother and father’s love needs to be loving and not hateful for a child to flourish. When the love given isn’t loving, the child interprets that there is something wrong with them for their parent to not be able to be loving with them. The child hasn’t the inborne wisdom to see the parent is broken and isn’t capable of giving what the child needs.

A radical part of the healing process is to understand the parent’s brokenness, that the abuse the parent inflicted was a reflection of the parent’s brokenness and not a reflection of the child or their innate worth. Teaching ourselves to like ourselves is quite radical, for it flies in the face of all the messaging that had been internalized from the abuse.

When we feel completely different from those around us, we tend to hold ourselves apart, we fear we will be rejected, and unfortunately others pick up on how we’re feeling and will respond or react to it. Sometimes, the feelings of feeling completely different are very valid, and other times they are a by-product of messaging we received in our pasts. Either way, we don’t need to live a half-life, hiding who we are, feeling shame if we stop hiding.

Update: Reply from Dr. Stein:

“I will add one thought to your engaging essay. When we change as you did, those around you lose the role they are accustomed to. They often try to change you back to who you were previously so that they are able to obtain whatever made the relationship comfortable and useful to them.

When this fails, the basis for their staying in the relationship is lost.

To your credit, Tamara, you held your newly discovered ground. Thank you, too, for giving me a shout-out.”

Dr. Gerald Stein

So, I ask you, is it time for you to accept and embrace yourself? Is it time for you to start to live the life you want to?

Here’s a little encouragement and help to get you started.

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

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45 thoughts on “Overcoming having been othered, and why you may not be as “different” or as rejected as you might believe!”

  1. Excellent message, Tamara! Here’s my favorite part: Teaching ourselves to like ourselves is quite radical, for it flies in the face of all the messaging that had been internalized from the abuse.

    I once had huge identity issues due to trauma, as well as internalized messages. What you’ve described here is the absolute truth. Once we like and accept ourselves, life becomes 100% easier.

    I’m sending you a big ole hug of solidarity 🫂

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. Thanks Kathy, sending hugs back! Amazing isn’t it how that works. It may seem like a small thing to some people, but to those of us who were beaten down, it’s a huge, big thing. I’m so glad that you have worked on your healing and are now helping others through your writing, that’s a big thing!

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  2. I applaud you for not letting others define your or keep you from embracing your artistic gifts. Not easy, when childhood doesn’t offer a stable foundation of love and support. Not only have you broken that curse with your own family, your courage and triumph is inspiring for your readers. Thank you, Tamara.

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    1. Thanks so much Michele! Yes, I’m grateful to have worked to break that curse with my family, and also grateful that my brother has worked hard to break that curse with his family. Being able to then talk about it and help others is a great boon for me and I get a great deal of pleasure seeing feedback that I’m helping others. Thank you!

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        1. 😉Part of my othering was being able to see things that others couldn’t or were afraid to. I realized that was a strength so I use it now. Thanks for your support and encouragement!

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    1. Thanks so much Christopher, that is always my intention when I write. I’m happy to hear that it was heard in that tone!

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  4. Tamara, I see that you are overcoming those fears and believes that have been keeping from moving forward. I’m glad it’s happening, the past trauma is often multi layered and so it’s even harder to get to the root of the problem . I’m still trying to stay calm and move forward , most of the time it works great. Some days are not perfect though, but I just take one step each time staying strong and resilient.

    sharing your thoughts and feelings here is a great idea, I like reading that to learn that I’m not alone in this boat.

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    1. Milena, so glad you stopped in to lend your voice. Yes, we need to keep moving forward, for the more we learn and the stronger we get, our lives do change, for people sense and see the difference in us. You’re definitely not alone! This is far more common than we would think it is, for when it happens to us we feel so alone when we get shoved aside or wrongly judged. The world has become a harsher and more judgmental place in recent years, and othering people is encouraged. There is a circling of wagons against anyone who doesn’t fit narrow ideas of who belongs and who doesn’t, and it is fear based. As with bullying, the followers follow not because they all agree, but because they fear becoming the next targeted person. Living a life through a lens of fear is definitely a trauma response, and when we choose to heal and teach ourselves to like and then to love ourselves, we move into a different paradigm. How are you doing this week with practicing speaking kindly to yourself and suspending judgment?

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      1. I’m doing better actually, I started a new job so there is no time judgment . I come home, eat and feel so tired that I’m ready to go to bed 🙂 it’s not a bad thing for me, it’s very good not to have time for a negative self talk. I find it refreshing

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        1. That’s good! When thi gs slow down a bit once you get into the flow of the job, try to keep practicing suspending judgment of yourself and always try to speak kindly to yourself!

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  5. I will add one thought to your engaging essay. When we change as you did, those around you lose the role they are accustomed to. They often try to change you back to who you were previously so that they are able to obtain whatever made the relationship comfortable and useful to them.

    When this fails, the basis for their staying in the relationship is lost.

    To your credit, Tamara, you held your newly discovered ground. Thank you, too, for giving me a shout-out.

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. Thanks for this great point Dr. Stein, I added it to the end of the post, since it’s a good point to chew on.

      Liked by 2 people

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      1. No problem and thank you, Tamara. I would not say that those who fail to get the new version of the other to revert to the older version, in my clinical experience it is relatively rare.

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  6. Fantastic post and really relatable. For most of my life I felt different and my mind often equated that to there’s something wrong with me. It caused a lot of self-esteem issues which made me feel even more like an outsiders. Therapy helped so much with that and thankfully I have much better self-esteem now. Glad you were able to work through your past trauma too.

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    1. “For most of my life I felt different and my mind often equated that to there’s something wrong with me.”

      Self-blame is a natural response to feeling othered. Working through the the past traumas that created that sense inside of us is crucial. I’m happy that you’re doing that for yourself too. You are open to seeing your own shadows and learning from them, which is why you’re able to move successfully through your therapy. Too many people shy away from that step and so aren’t able to learn and grow.

      When I first heard the term “shadow-work”, I found it scary. I had to sit with that for a while and then realized that I was feeling defensive about it, almost like it was accusing me of being something I felt I wasn’t, and I realized that was a direct repeat of how I had been treated when I was younger. False accusations were made and then I had to prove that I didn’t do something or even thought something that I was accused of.

      I realized that was the very shadow-work I needed to work through. Feeling overly defensive in our adult life is a direct cause/effect from having been criticized or accused of things we didn’t do.

      I later saw the people who were doing that to me were in effect perhaps projecting their own guilt of their behaviors onto me. They did and said the very things they projected onto me; perhaps it was guilt or they were trying to figure a way out. Either way, I realized that some of the imposed burdens weren’t mine to begin with, so I could release them and let go of the struggle to find justice to the question, “how could they ever think that of me?“

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      1. Yes, I think it’s a very human response to blame ourselves in situations like that. I’m so glad you were able to work through that too. Due to being manipulated and gaslighted for so long, I realised that I had become really defensive as well and you’re so right people that constantly accuse others are often projecting their own guilt. Thanks to therapy, I’ve realised that if someone accuses you instead of just communicating with you like an adult then you don’t need to go to lengths to prove your innocence. They’ve already decided that you’re guilty.

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        1. True. I’ve noticed that often they’re looking to create a fight or drama, then they can point to you and say, “See?!” By stepping away and not engaging with them, they lose their target and outlet for their own inner frustration! Simple phrases like “I’m happy to talk with you when we can sit down and discuss, instead of this finger pointing.” We don’t have to engage, we don’t have to step into their game, for it is a game.

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            1. Yes to them being stuck in victim mentality. So true. I’ve observed this so many times. We can try to help them, but often they don’t want to do the hard inner work. The old adage of leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink is so apropos!

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                1. I used to feel terribly responsible for them, no doubt because I parentified my mother, so my understanding of what we’re actually my responsibilities and theirs were very blurred. Only well into my adulthood did I realize that they were in fact supposed to do that work themselves and I wasn’t in fact responsible for their own healing. That huge lesson has now allowed me to step back and let them live their own lives however they choose to. Even if they choose to do nothing, I’ve come to realize that’s a choice too. It’s actually been a relief not to be responsible for everyone else, even if they would prefer that i continue to believe I still was. Refusing to be their scapegoat has released me from a lot of stress.

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                  1. Same here, I felt responsible and would constantly try to shield them from the consequences of their actions but in the end I realised that wasn’t my responsibility. They’re an adult and can manage their own life. I’m so glad you were able to do that. It is freeing and yes not doing anything with their life is also a choice, one we can’t change for them.

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                    1. “shield them from the consequences of their actions” I’m feeling those words! You’re absolutely right, they’re adults and we need to leave it to them to adult as best as they can. Same with us, we just doing the best with what and how we currently know what to do.

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  7. Tamara, thanks for sharing your experience of “otherness.” Finally knowing the truth about my parents’ brokenness helped me to understand “that the abuse [they] inflicted was a reflection of [their] brokenness and not a reflection of [my] innate worth.”

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    1. *hand on heart* Yes! That’s a profound lesson for our spirits to learn isn’t it? I’m so happy that you were able to learn that and to internalize it into your inner fiber!

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  8. Perfection Tamara, this is it down to a ‘T’. Our fear is in not daring to look deep down inside us…afraid that it is true.
    Great post and well written kind lady. It is a very powerful and profound journey and once understood it will speak very clearly to us in that love we didn’t dare to hold 🤗❤️🙏

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    1. “afraid that it is true” this. Exactly! We live in fear of being found out to be exactly what we were accused of when we were younger, and then discover that so many of those accusations were projected onto us, and weren’t ours to be burdened with. Coming to that realization is so freeing, isn’t it, for all of a sudden there is space in our hearts to learn to love ourselves, whereas before our hearts were preoccupied with struggling against all that didn’t belong to us!

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      1. Indeed Tamara. And it is a long journey to break through it all, but thankfully, and as hard as it is, that very journey is the making of us in finding that freedom. Great share kind lady, thank you 🤗❤️🙏

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