What do you think of now when someone says something is a red flag? That a relationship is irredeemably broken and it’s time to leave? That something is an automatic deal-breaker?

What are red flags and how seriously do we need to take them?

Throughout all contexts, the term “red flag” signifies a reason to stop. Red flags are thrown in sports when a game is halted because of a foul, and they are waved on race car tracks when conditions are too dangerous to continue down the road. Red lights signal us to stop our vehicles on the road, and red tape cautions us from going beyond a certain point.

“In relationships, red flags are signs that the person probably can’t have a healthy relationship and proceeding down the road together would be emotionally dangerous,” explains Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships.

13 Red Flags in Relationships:

I decided to do a little research on this one, since it has become only too common to say an undesirable behavior in someone is a red flag, and to possibly use it as an excuse to end the relationship. (13 Red Flags in Relationships is a good place to start.)

I have come to see that context and patterns are important to take into account. I’ve also come to see that it’s important to dig deeper to see what the true issues could be.

In our swipe left or right social culture, we’ll often dismiss someone based on one-of behaviors that don’t necessarily show that a relationship or friendship would be riddled with problems.

In this Instagram-perfect world there is a tendency to dismiss a potential relationship, or even end a perfectly good one, based on small issues.

Here are some questions and points that are good to think about and look into:

• Imperfections often get labeled as Red Flags, when they’re not that, but probably just personal irritations.
• So what red flags are potential deal breakers, and is it possible for a Red Flag to be worked on and change to a Green Flag?
• Are Red Flags all bad, or have we blown Red Flags out of proportion, amplifying and dramatizing them?
• Are there Red Flags that should always remain Red Flags or is it possible to change?

Red Flags

I see the following Red Flags as things to walk away from if the person is still actively involved in it or hasn’t done any inner work, because the person isn’t in a place to have a healthy relationship, but needs intervention, treatment, and counselling.  

• domestic violence, or treating people badly for no reason other than to feel superior
• chronic cheating, or “Bread-crumbing“
• substance abuse

Domestic Violence

If someone has a history being a perpetrator of domestic violence it is almost 100% of the time wise to not get into a relationship with them, particularly if they’re still blame-shifting.

You may hear “They’re crazy, they drove me to it” or versions of that, which is a very strong indicator that when you fall off the pedestal they have put you on, that you will be blamed for their anger outbursts too. If they aren’t in control of their emotions and don’t take responsibility for their outbursts, those are deal-breakers.

If someone says they had a history of it but they have done a lot of inner work on themselves, my advice is to still proceed with caution, for what they perceive is a lot of inner work, may have only been the tip of the ice-berg they haven’t dealt with.

If they’re love-bombing you, chances are they know in their hearts they aren’t as healthy as they are trying to portray, and are trying to bind you to them quickly, before you can see what really lurks below the surface.

If they seem to be in a state of victimhood, be very wary and look deeper. They may have already identified your good heart, and even some naïveté, and are grooming you to be a co-dependent.

If they know you have already lived through domestic violence in your life, they will be very interested in you, for you already have the latent co-dependent tendencies they need to keep doing what they have done in the past.

People may say “I always seem to attract the abusers”, but that’s only part of the story. You see, they ping all the potential partners they meet, giving the same story.

Emotionally healthy people will walk away, they see they’re in dangerous waters.

People who respond in a supportive way to these lines are their potential target, because they can use the sympathy to gain a foothold and try to develop an emotional connection. If you’re responding sympathetically to such a story, stop, pause, and realize there’s more healing to do for you. Yes it is good to have a good heart, but unfortunately, good-hearted people are manipulated into believing a good sob story.

It is important to see the difference between someone who has had some tough things happen to them yet they take responsibility for their words and actions, vs. people who place themselves as victims and blame-shift for their bad behavior.

These are red-flag issues, not to be ignored.

Treating people badly: Subset of Domestic Violence or an indicator of tendencies?

Treating people badly. Being rude to cashiers or other “lowly” service people. Being nice or “sucking up” only to people who hold some kind of power or authority, and being dismissive or rude to anyone else.

These are important things to keep an eye on, for if you’re dating someone and they’re super-nice to you but mean to others around, know this for sure, when they get what they want from you (sex, or matrimony for the sake of showing off a “perfect” image), that when the reality of daily life sets in, you too will be treated that way or worse.

This is a big point to keep in mind. Also, listen to what their friends say about the person you’re seeing. If they say things like “You’re too good for him”, don’t take it as a compliment that you’re so wonderful, but look closely at the hidden warning: they’re letting you know the person isn’t as wonderful as they’re leading you to think!

Chronic Cheating or “Bread-crumbing”

I put both of these together because they are both symptoms of someone who has commitment issues, isn’t afraid of lying or creating a fake front to hide who they are. Neither one of these is healthy for a relationship, and both are reasons to get out of that relationship.

Cheating

“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is very true. If he or she cheated on their wife or husband to be with you, it’s probably only a matter of time before it happens again.

If you fall for the “my wife/ my husband doesn’t understand me, but I feel like you’re the only one who gets me” line, you’ve just been gaslighted, for this isn’t a person who is honest or able to handle their life in a way where other people don’t get hurt.

Dig a little deeper, an you may find that the spouse who just doesn’t “understand” your would-be love interest, is actually giving them push-back for their drinking or other undesirable behavior. Do look deeper! While they may be flattering you, they may not actually be good for you, just great at convincing you they are!

If they are truly in a terrible relationship like they tell you, then the healthiest thing for them is to get out and work on their own inner issues. Trust me, they aren’t without issues, none of us are.

Even if they’re with an abuser, there was something unhealed from their past that got them roped into being in that relationship, and as with most abusive relationships, there is damage that was done, and it will take some time and inner work to move through it. Cheating won’t heal them or make things better for them, no matter the sweet words they speak to you.

Bread-crumbing

Anna Williamson, dating expert and relationship coach, says the term ‘breadcrumbing’ comes from the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel “where ‘breadcrumbs’ have been left out in hope that someone will follow them, thinking they’re in for something entirely different to what is reality”.

By Kat Storr in “It made me feel insignificant, needy and desperate” – 4 women reveal what ‘breadcrumbing’ in dating feels like

Bread-crumbing is basically holding out a carrot in front of someone, doing some periodic love-bombing, then retreating. The attention is heady when it happens, but it is just enough to get a person hooked and wanting more, but there isn’t going to be more.

Keeping a person on a string is basically keeping them in a back pocket. You’re their fallback person, kept available in case their current relationship doesn’t work out, which if you look closely, is cheating!

If someone is doing this to you, cut that string they’re keeping you on!

No matter how beautiful the words they whisper in your ear, they’re not healthy relationship material.

You deserve better than being made to believe you are wonderful, then just being kept in a cupboard for when they want to come around for fun and spice.

Substance Abuse

If someone with substance abuse has gone through recovery and has more than a year of sobriety under their belt, have they started to deal with the underlying issues that propelled them into addiction? Just because someone is clean and sober doesn’t mean they have started to develop healthy life skills or that they have been working on their inner healing.

Some important issues to ponder:

• Until they do those steps, there’s a whole life of potential triggers out there for them, and do you wish to go through the roller-coaster of relapses and restarting recovery?
  
  In many many cases, recovery isn’t a one-and-done thing, but is in fact a multi-step process that can take a person (or their whole family) through many recovery attempts, with bingeing, anger issues, destruction of property, theft, lying, manipulation, (to name a few things) thrown into the whole mix, making the recovery process very messy and terribly hard on everyone.
  
• If you are drawn to someone who is newly on their road to recovery, have you taken some time to learn about substance abuse as well as the issues that pushed them into addiction?
  
  These are all serious issues, not to be minimized or swept under the rug, for if you go into a relationship with someone who minimizes the above things, that alone is a sign that they haven’t really come to terms with all the aspects of their own recovery, and may want to rush the process, because they would like to just skip over them and go straight to their goal of a happy relationship without having put in the inner work on themselves to facilitate that.
  
• Are you strongly identifying with them, seeing them as a victim of their circumstances?
  
  If you’re seeing them as a victim, and not as a participant in their own actions, you may have been groomed to be a co-dependent person.
  
  This isn’t healthy for either of you.
  
  They need to take responsibility for their own actions as well as for their own recovery, or they will remain in the blame-shifting mode that helped them get entrenched in their addiction.
  
  If you are co-dependent, you will constantly be making excuses for their behavior and even always be the clean-up crew. As long as they don’t take personal responsibility for their actions, they need you, but not because of healthy love, but to enable them to continue their behavior.

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has had a substance abuse issue, but only if both of you are in a healthy place.

Until then, keep doing the work you need to do on yourself. There’s no guarantee that they will be able to do the work, be on the same timeline as you, or will even emerge the same person they are projecting themselves to be once they go through their own inner work.

Yellow Flags

Yellow flags may or may not include recovery from one or more of the above Red Flag issues.

If a person has gone through recovery and is living a new healthy life, proceed with caution, for some of those old triggers may still be there, and come up in normal day-to-day interactions or problems.

How does the person respond when those issues come up? Pay attention to the clues.

Yellow flags might not refer to the Red Flags above, but are things that point to whether a person is ready for a relationship.

These can vary from not much life or relationship experience, having recently lost a partner, unhealthy lifestyles, not having a healthy relationship with money/ spending or bill paying, or even isms that seem overly annoying, and so on.

Yellow Flags are a “Proceed with caution”. They’re not necessarily deal breakers, but they’re definitely worth taking extra time to determine if they’re things that YOU can or cannot live with.

If a Yellow Flag turns out to be a Red Flag once you dive in deeper, it is okay to end things, because it isn’t working out for you and you don’t have the desire nor the bandwidth to have that in your life.

It’s okay to know your limitations at this point in your life, and to respect them. Ultimately, you need to live your life for YOU, and not only for the benefit of the other person.

You yourself may well be needing to go through some growth and healing before you can think of taking on anyone else’s Yellow Flag behaviors, and that’s okay too.

Green Flags

Ah Green Flags! Green Flags show us healthy communication abilities, good behavior and management of emotions in a healthy way, good life skills in handling life’s issues, plus a willingness to learn and an ability to put new knowledge into practice.

They’re great if they’re truly Green Flags, and not Yellow or Red Flags that we have ignored or brushed under the rug.

Only the test of time will be able to show if the Green Flags you think you’re seeing are truly that, or if you’re looking at your relationship with rosy-colored glasses.

If you have been making things look shinier in your mind than they actually are, it is okay to take an assessment at any time to determine the true state of things.

If you come to the conclusion you need to end things and walk away, please do so as civilly as possible, for everyone’s mental health, and of course for your safety. Please tap into community resources if you need help. You get to decide when “enough is enough”.

If there are Yellow Flag issues, but you both care about each other to honestly discuss what needs to be done, and to DO the work, then it is a matter of time before those Yellow Flags can be transformed into Green Flag behavior. Again, you get to decide if you have the bandwidth to do this work with your partner.

If you’re seeing Green Flags, Mazeltov! Enjoy your relationship, grow together in love and understanding!

Even if you’re not currently dating, these are important points to keep in mind, because they can point out the areas we still need to work on.

If something has sparked understanding of a past relationship, that may be something to explore within yourself, to further enhance your own development and healing.

Last note: Beige Flags

Okay, this seems more like a fun or funny thing, but a fellow blogger recently posted about Beige Flags. Read her words here!

“For those of you that don’t know what a beige flag is, it’s basically something weird about yourself. It’s not bad enough to be a red flag but it’s still a little odd. Hope that makes sense.”

Blessings to you. Please explore my many posts about mental health, inner healing and personal growth.

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