by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Checking in… how have you been doing with speaking kindly to yourself this week?

Speaking kindly to ourselves may not seem like much, or likely it could do any good at all, yet speaking unkindly to ourselves is devastating and definitely pushes us down the depression and anxiety rabbit-hole!

When I struggled the most with my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder, I was speaking extremely harshly to myself. I didn’t realize it at the time, because it was so deeply internalized that I carried on where my abusers had left off. It had become such a part of my daily life fabric that I didn’t even notice it.

It had become just the way I thought one lives life, little realizing that it could change, it didn’t have to be that way.

When I decided one day that I wanted to become happy, it hit me most profoundly that I didn’t like myself very much. In fact I struggled to say anything positive about myself, even though I had accomplished quite a bit.

It was a shock to see how much I disliked myself, and as a result, how much I subconsciously self-sabotaged myself so that my failures could add more fuel to my harsh commentary I kept running in my head.

Why change?

Well, the positive effects of teaching ourselves to suspend judgmentally speaking harshly to ourselves and to learn how to speak kindly can be a critical pivot point in our mental health as well as our ability to stop self-sabotaging ourselves!

I didn’t realize it then what a difference this would make in my internal world, but looking back, I will tell you that this is ONE thing that made a world of difference for me!

I no longer struggle with depression. My anxiety levels have gone WAY down!

Physically I feel better too because I’m not constantly stewing in a simmering pot of angry or negative juices!

How to change?

Baby steps!

I recommend starting slowly with the very small stuff, and gradually build up!

Why would this work?

By going slowly we give ourselves time to slowly adjust and to internalize the changes we are making. We need time and repetition to build up new Neural Pathways and create new mental short-cuts for our brains to take!

Going too fast is actually counter-productive, and this is where many people get discouraged and abandon their efforts, because it’s too much too soon, and doesn’t feel authentic.

In order for it to feel real to us, it is better to go slowly to allow our minds and spirits time to adapt to the new thoughts.

Step 1: Start practicing having judgement-free days, or even judgement-free hours.

Just sit with yourself when you feel a harsh judgement coming on. You’ve jumped in before with both feet allowing the negatives to overwhelm you. Now just practice observing when these inner dialogues come up, how quickly you justify speaking harshly to yourself, and how long it has been taking to pull out of the nose-dive.

As you sit quietly with yourself when these inner judgements start to flood the brain, practice some slow breathing, and promise to work on letting those thoughts go without jumping into them.

As you become aware of when and how often this happens, practice gently choosing to suspend that judgement!

Let’s repeat that point: “I will try to gently release judgement of myself!”

Then breath through those moments!

Step 2: As you feel more comfortable with suspending judgement, praise yourself for this. Praise yourself for not speaking harshly to yourself!

I know this sounds silly, but we need to start somewhere, and this is a believable thing we can praise ourselves for, when we used to just jump in with 2 feet and pummel ourselves!

Step 3: Find little things to praise and encourage yourself with, plus continue with suspending judgement!

If you slip up, that’s okay, you can give yourself a fresh start whenever you need to, as many times as you need to! We have unlimited chances!

What good can come of it?

Improved mental and physical health is what can come from this!

When we’re actively engaging in negative thoughts, our bodies are producing a cocktail of chemicals in response, because we are living from the center of our Amygdala!

By changing our thoughts we change the chemicals being produced in our bodies, and this has a direct impact on our health, both sort and long term!

When you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns, return to this start point, and gently reteach yourself these points.

I know it may sounds silly, but I do hope you will try it!

After all, what have you got to lose?

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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52 thoughts on “Checking in… how have you been doing with speaking kindly to yourself this week?”

  1. Pingback: Love is NOT all you need! – Tamara Kulish

  2. This is great advice, and I like the point you make about how easily and quickly we speak negatively, so we should be just as swift at allowing our brains to be overcome with positive talk.

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    1. Right?! This is obvious when we see it, but not so much when struggling in the trenches of life! Yes, persistence is definitely the answer!

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  3. A very wise post Tamara and full of helpful information. 🙏🏼
    “ When we’re actively engaging in negative thoughts, our bodies are producing a cocktail of chemicals in response, because we are living from the center of our Amygdala!” – I understand this from experiencing it and I know what I could be doing to help reverse the situation but currently I’m unable to do it. I feel trapped, along with my ongoing abandonment issues.

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear this Margaret. I understand about feeling trapped, I’ve gone through that.

      If I may suggest, don’t try anything that feels big or radical, but start very small, with believable, gentle praise for yourself. “I got through this day”, “I’m getting stronger in ways I don’t recognize right now”.

      Practice suspending harsh judgment of yourself for an hour, then another.

      I believe in you! I believe that you will move through this difficult time. I believe that you are worthy of feeling safe, and at peace. Hang in kiddo, and keep reaching out, I will respond!

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  4. Great post. I have noticed the worse my mental health is the more harsh I am on myself. When I was at my worst with my anxiety and depression I was awful to myself. But I started forcing myself to praise myself every morning in the mirror no matter what and eventually my thoughts have become much kinder.

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    1. That’s so awesome to hear! I’m happy you saw your pattern yourself and made the changes you needed! The way we speak to ourselves can be so subconscious that we slide into it when we’re down, but as you said, speaking those thoughts to ourselves in the mirror is powerful! I know the first tie I spoke to myself in the mirror I felt so silly, but then I saw some changes in myself, so decided to give it more chances. Kudos to you! Keep it up!

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        1. It’s surprising how we adapt! I found I could handle the negatives easier, because I was accustomed to them, so learning how to incorporate positives was quite a challenge, my brain strongly resisted, but i adapted quicker than I thought I would.

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            1. Very true. We don’t always realize how habitual it is, until we want to change how we feel, then we see how ingrained it is, and how uncomfortable we feel with saying anything positive. Thankfully with persistence we can change! LOL!

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                1. I’m so very grateful for that! Years ago I thought it would be impossible for me, I thought I was too much of a loser, but discovered the lies I had bought into were wrong. That was such a shocker and a relief at the same time!

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  5. Step 2 and 3 are so amazing!!

    We need to practice positive self Talk. A lot of people don’t treat themselves well.

    Even if you are saying that “oh silly me” or “I am too old for this” , such stuff gives brain wrong message.

    Our subconscious mind takes whatever we feed.

    An impactful share TK

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    1. Thanks for this positive feedback Devang! Yes, what we say to ourselves matters a whole lot. If we’ve come out of abusive or toxic pasts, those messages do get internalized to some degree or another, and we often don’t realize how the negative things we say to ourselves has this cumulative effect of limiting our self worth and what we feel we can accomplish! Making even small changes can have a big impact down the road.

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        1. Yesss! This is key to making those changes! It may seem overwhelming in the beginning, but tackling it in small, believable steps, it becomes doable!

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  6. I was literally just thinking about this.. My goal is to be a kinder person and I am kind to others but find it so hard to be kind to myself. I am going to use your tips and take baby steps to do better

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    1. Being kind to ourselves is sometimes the hardest thing we can take on, when subconsciously we have believed in our unworthiness. It’s a big ship to turn around, but it is doable in small believable steps! You’re worthy of speaking nicely to yourself, of praising yourself and suspending judgement of yourself! You’ve got this!

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            1. Thanks Pennize! I don’t take my well-being for granted, I still work on infusing positive thoughts into my day!

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                1. Exactly! It’s a constant work in progress isn’t it? No such thing as graduading then coasting, or we find we’re coasting on fumes!

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  8. This couldn’t have come at a better time, Tamara. I was doing so well with talking kindly to myself, following learning so much from the two books I bought that you’ve written. I’ve had a miserable two and a half weeks due to having epic and persistent problems with having a tooth out, which all went wrong, and I’m still in awful pain. I seem to have no space in my head to concentrate on speaking kindly to myself. I’ve written nothing but pain, pain and more pain in my last few posts, and it’s getting very tiresome, both for me and, no doubt, for my readers, who have all been very kind. I’ve also criticised myself for not keeping up with my blog and fellow bloggers. Those stress hormones and chemicals are probably having a party in my amygdala!

    I know I am not helping myself by speaking harshly to myself about all this, and I know I should be showing myself due respect and love at a difficult time. I have to go back to see the dentist who caused the nerve damage tomorrow. I think he might wriggle out of the responsibility, so I need to really tell myself I matter, and I shouldn’t take his opinion of me matter. I know I am worth caring about and shouldn’t accept any blame for what went wrong. I always seem to begin every difficult conversation with, “I’m very sorry, but …” I’m not sorry at all and will not accept any blame. So, just writing this comment has made me feel more positive about myself, and I have you to thank for that, as your reminder was so timely. Thank you, as always, for your wise words and excellent guidance, Tamara. X 💐

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    1. Ellie, make no mistake, what you are going through is terribly difficult, for anyone. I’m very happy to read how you are realizing all the truths in this situation and are realizing that you are worthy and deserving of getting proper care! I am offering support and strength to you as you face your dentist. You will get through this. Discovering our worthiness and worth in the middle of a difficult time is a lesson hard won.

      I was blogging daily for the entire duration of the pandemic, as much for others as it was for me. Once the crisis was over and I was once more very busy with work, I have cut back my blogging to once a week. I find it a much more manageable pace and it allows me to write more in depth. I needed to acknowledge my own limitations and give myself permission to follow a pace that works for me.

      If you’re struggling with writing right now, it’s OK to dial back your schedule to give yourself the breathing room you need! There are no rules, you set your own!

      It’s quite OK to take care of ourselves during difficult times! You’ve got this!

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  9. Thanks so much for the reminder, Tamara! Fully agree with you. And it does not sound silly at all, it is actually common sense, but it is so easy for us to forget about doing it every day. I am right now focusing even more on practising it as I am working on changing a hurtful behavioural pattern. Funny, how often you write about the topics I have in my life thus, it speaks to my heart. Have a wonderful week!

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    1. I’m so happy that I can give you what you need, in the moments that you need it, I call that serendipitous! I’m fully supportive of your journey, and can suggest to keep persisting! This is an important point. Even if you forget to be supportive of yourself for a bit, you can restart at any time! You’ve got this!

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    1. Thanks Wynne! How have you been doing with speaking kindly and suspending judgement of yourself this week?

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    1. Rosaliene, that is incredible news indeed! Mine went silent, miraculously I thought, a few years ago, and I found that by continuing the same steps, I have been able to keep it silent. I find it to be a wonderful blessing too!

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  12. This is such great advice, Tamara! When we first started dating, my boyfriend lent me a book, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, because he thought my confidence and self-kindness wasn’t what it could be, and it really does make a difference.

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    1. Exactly! We can continue to beat ourselves down, or we can work on changing the message we hear!

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      1. And because it takes great heart to find, we truly appreciate it so much more because of that. But importantly it is a very profound thing to have those guides along our journey, as you do, to give the courage to take those steps. Take a bow dear lady, a light for many 😀❤️🙏

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