by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Does asking for forgiveness in the final moments of life count?

I shared in “An important lesson I learned after my mother’s last hours” and “My mother’s passing and a deep lesson she learned” some deep lessons that have been pulled from the hours before my mother died. I wrote how Pastor Jay spend time with my mother a couple of days before she passed away. During those hours she had asked him to write down some things she wished to say about herself. Pastor Jay shared those things with my brother and I this morning on a video call, so I had delayed writing my weekly post until after we met in order to share any lesson that may have come from it.

Pastor Jay said that in their discussions that my mother was finding ways to excuse her behavior towards us, but it was only when he asked her if she’d like to pray with him, and after he had gone first, then she prayed, and in that moment when she realized she was speaking to her maker and trying to excuse herself, did she realized she needed to become completely honest and it was in that moment that she asked God to forgive her for the terrible things she had done to us.

Pastor Jay was able to comfort her and tell her that God forgave her. She smiled and had said that would be the perfect time to die, knowing she had God’s forgiveness. Pastor had intuited that perhaps she wished to pass away in that moment, not knowing if we her family would be able to forgive her.

Asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness can be exceedingly difficult for many people.

The person asking for forgiveness needs to acknowledge to themselves they’ve done something wrong before they can even approach the person or people they have hurt, and for many people that can just be too overwhelming and difficult. More often than not, it is easier to just stuff things down and to go into denial about what happened.

Giving forgiveness can also feel far too overwhelming for someone who has been traumatized by abuse, as it feels like they may inadvertently be giving their abuser permission to abuse them all over again. If the abuser hasn’t changed and done any of the inner work to change, trying to forgive is much more difficult.

Forgiveness is a very brave process, that has many layers and really shouldn’t be attempted before a person’s mind is ready for that step. It isn’t just a one-and-done thing with many of us. Going slowly with this step is advisable, so the recovering person has time to build emotional, mental and physical safety in their life, so that the abuser cannot keep abusing and manipulating.

Erin’s quote below from her Existential Ergonomics blog resonated with me today as I was writing about my experience with my mother. I felt it greatly amplified what I wanted to say about the inner work my brother, my daughter and I have done to be able to forgive my mother for what she did to each of us. I had mentioned that we had decided to give my mother a gentle and loving send-off, not because we felt she deserved it, but because of who we had become through our own healing and forgiveness work we had already done.

To answer the question: “Does asking for forgiveness in the final moments of life count?” Yes, it does. We each were surprised to hear she had asked for forgiveness for what she had done, and each of our hearts received the closure we needed. Yes we had each worked on our healing so that if we never heard the words from her that we could live our lives with peace in our hearts, but I can say that hearing that she had asked for forgiveness, helped me more than I knew I needed.

Erin’s words below explain very clearly the inner benefits of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean tolerating bad behavior; in fact, quite the opposite. It means disentangling the weeds from the garden I want to tend. I forgive honest mistakes swiftly, but I no longer water the vines of manipulation or neglect.

Forgiveness became a tide pulling me back to shore from the undertow of resentment—a steady, patient tide that does not rush but gently releases what weighs me down. The heaviness lifted and was replaced with lightness, like stepping out of cold waters into sunlight.

Science confirms what the heart knows: forgiveness heals. It lowers the bodies’ stress hormones, eases agitation, and nourishes restful sleep. It softens tight muscles and unclenched jaws, untangles the knotted threads of anger coiled deep inside.

My body, once a rebellious vessel, became a fragile ship navigating rough seas. Forgiveness is the reluctant captain’s steady hand, steering through storms with compassion and strength. It is the healing touch that kneads away the stiff, aching places. It is the slow rebuilding of a fragile but resilient structure made strong not by perfection, but by love tethered to grace.

Forgiveness is not a destination, but a quiet journey—sometimes a whisper, sometimes a surging wave. It is the rare beam of light breaking through clouds, the soft soil where new roots of trust and love can grow again.

excerpted from Erin’s Existential Ergonomics blog

I’ve learned it is never too late to ask for forgiveness or to give forgiveness. For us, the experience was massively healing.

If you are not ready to forgive your abuser, please know I’m not pushing you towards anything you’re not ready for. The point of this isn’t to push you towards anything you aren’t ready for at this time. Just keep working on your own healing, learning to set healthy boundaries, practicing speaking kindly and gently to yourself and building the life you wish to live.

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

My books: Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks ||  Anger Journal || Guided Anxiety Journal  ||  Joy & Mindfulness Journal   ||  My Boundaries Journal  || My Inner Thoughts Journal   

Thanks for buying my books on Amazon!

#writing #InspirationalWriting #art #creativity #strength #mentor #teacher #HappinessGuru #love #growth #healing #life, #inspiration, #quotes #happiness #joy #PersonalGrowth #pain #depression #anxiety #SelfEsteem, #LifeSkills #empowerment #encouragement #support #intuition #journal #consciousness #mind #learn #God #universe #angels #spiritual #spirit #awareness #journal #boundaries #emotionalhealth #mentalhealth #emotions

Discover more from Tamara Kulish

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

28 thoughts on “Does asking for forgiveness in the final moments of life count?”

  1. Thank you Wynne. We were all surprised how hearing about it made each of us feel. We each got emotional.

    Yes, I found it quite serendipitous to read Erin’s post as I was writing mine. I always find it interesting to see how the universe works on our behalf!

    Thanks for your supportive words.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. I’m so glad to hear that she asked for forgiveness in those final moments. I can imagine that it does make a difference – even after all the inner work you’ve done. Erin’s post and this one compliment each other so well. Beautiful, Tamara! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Forgiveness definitely needs accountability and responsibility to start the process. Without accountability, forgiveness often enables abusers. I’m glad that at least in her final moments your mum chose to take accountability and ask for forgiveness. I’ve noticed that abusers lie to themselves as much as they lie and gaslight us. And that’s what stops them from taking accountability for the pain they have caused.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. You’ve nailed ot Pooja, they absolutely do lie to themselves. My 2nd husband’s doctors said he confabulated, which is when they 💯 believe the lies they make up. They create an alternate reality in their minds to allow themselves to live with what they do.

      I’m happy my mother was finally able to admit what she did, but it was only when she realized that she’d soon be facing her maker could she become honest. Note, she was a deeply religious person for many, many years, but that didn’t stop her from compartmentalizing her actions. That’s very typical of many abusers too.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Yes, unfortunately many of them do that because otherwise they would have to admit they are the problematic one and not the victim. And ironically a lot of them are quite religious which I think causes more guilt which leads to more lying.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. Yes, interesting point about guilt tying in with denial and lying, and how many of them are religious. Religion is supposed to teach people to be gentle, kind and loving, yet many seen to feel that their strong convictions give them the authority to be forceful and even brutal. I understand why many people then reject religion, for the examples of love and kindness are sorely lacking.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

          1. Yes, I think although religion generally encourages kindness and compassion those that want to use it in a twisted way will do so as we’ve witnessed many times. For narcissists and abusers they will fixate on the parts about control or hierarchy and ignore the parts about love.

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

            1. Exactly. The shopping cart approach to religion has been exploited by people who use it to manipulate others, and people often feel helpless to stand up and tell that person they’ve made a gross misinterpretation of sacred teachings designed to help us grow to become our better selves.

              Liked by 1 person

              Reply

              1. And the issue also becomes that even when someone does stand up against them they’re made to feel like they’re the problem instead of being seen as the victim because abusers are often so incredibly manipulative and really good at controlling those around them.

                Liked by 1 person

                Reply

                1. OMG, this is so true! I went through this. Absolutely an uphill battle to be believed. I needed up giving up and just completely walking away, it became too much. Such a good point and observation, Pooja.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  Reply

                    1. That’s exactly the conclusion I had come to for myself. Now I just live authentically for me, and if anyone has an issue with me, I’m not too worried, I’m okay with not having them in my life. Tough call to make at times though.

                      Liked by 1 person

  6. You are on target, Tamara. A life spent in waiting for the kind of apology that Lazare thought to be complete is almost always a guarantee of perpetual grief. The sufferer should do what he can to get the apology, if only so that he is ready to accept that he must do the inner work without the apology.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. So true Dr. Stein. To spend one’s life waiting and hoping for an apology that may never come is to spend fruitless hours which result in disappointment, anger and more pain. Being able to reach acceptance that the apology will not come is a gift we give ourselves, allowing us to be able to release the pains and to be able to move forward.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. It can seem so counterintuitive, but there is so much power and beauty and release to choosing to forgive someone who has wrong us. I’m so glad that your mom found peace in her final moments, and that you and your family found it in your heart to let go of some of that pain and heaviness to make room for more love. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thanks Erin, yes, we’re very thankful to have received and to have given this gift. I’m sure it will allow each of us to move forward with more peace in our hearts.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. This life is a powerful journey Tamara, and this line…”I had mentioned that we had decided to give my mother a gentle and loving send-off, not because we felt she deserved it, but because of who we had become through our own healing and forgiveness work we had already done”, summed it up perfectly.

    It is ever when we are ready to do so. And for me it was that moment of understanding when I saw that everything my father did was to encourage a fear so that I could face it and go beyond it. That was my journey. And in doing so see all my life lived with a very conditional love because of my fear. And in doing that very thing finally understanding my fear, and in doing that ‘see’ what unconditional love truly is, because I had experienced conditional love first in my fear.

    It is like experiencing anything. If we experience sadness, then we will appreciate happiness all the more when it comes along. And in those experiences develop the empathy and compassion because of those experiences.

    It is a very powerful and profound journey. And at the time, and because of a lifetime of hating my father…I found it quite difficult to forgive him in the beginning. But in that understanding could see that he had in fact gifted me with a very profound journey so I could ‘see’ what had been created and understood by going through it all.

    Each step we take is an incredible thing to experience, especially one so difficult Tamara. It takes a great courage, a strength in heart and mind beyond anything on the surface of this world, and a very great love opened to…to become it. Fear may be viewed as the horror of our lives, but without it we would be lost. It has encouraged every step we have taken, to dare us to go beyond it, and change our steps into that love.

    Love and light to you all kind lady, and many blessings for this journey in your grief. I pray it does give you acceptance in its understanding, and healing as you have said ❤️🙏

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much Mark for sharing your life lessons and for connecting with how primal the need is to connect in a loving and condition-free way with our family and with others around us. I’m very happy that you were able to release the pain and anger towards your father, for had he been a happy and undamaged person, he would never have inflicted that pain upon you, for it would have been foreign to his soul.

      We each did our hard inner work, which took us years to work through our pain and to release them. Understanding that she was a very damaged person helped us tremendously. Yes, she intentionally hurt people, but it was because of the damage she had inside of herself that she didn’t do the work on. She felt that because Jesus loved her just as she was, that didn’t include a need to change anything about herself. Yes, we did try to explain to her what we needed, but she wasn’t able to do any of that work.

      When we realized she’d likely never change, that we’d never be able to have the healthy relationships with her that we needed, we simply set healthy boundaries, because we accepted this truth. Our inner growth wasn’t dependent on her growth or change, it was something we each did for ourselves. Yet, each of us became emotional and shed tears when we heard that she had asked for forgiveness for her actions towards us. It was the balm we needed but hadn’t held out hope of receiving, so it was all the more impactful.

      Our ability to forgive her prior to any of this allowed us to release her gently, instead of trying to extract the words from her directly. We were gifted with hearing about her asking for forgiveness 2 weeks after her death. I see the release of fear of being rejected as something foundational to being able to gently move forward in life.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. This time has touched something within yourselves to finally let go of and heal those parts of you all that ever weighed you down. After so long it would be such a foreign but powerful feeling. Words can’t really do it justice because it is such a profound change, but in this comment you have expressed what it felt for you so truly. I am glad that you were able to reach that place within and can grieve in a more peaceful and accepting way. Much love to you all kind lady ❤️🙏

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. Thank you Mark. You’re quite right, it was a long time coming, and even though we had done our inner work, it still surprised us how it had an impact on us. We had convinced ourselves we didn’t need her words, and maybe we didn’t up to that point. After hearing about them it allowed some hidden walls to leave our spirits, which is a great blessing to experience. Truly, our healing keeps continuing, as we learn more.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

  9. I am glad you drew benefit from what the pastor offered of his conversation with your mother, Tamara. Many of those I treated never received an apology in person or second hand. They, too, were abused, an abuse denied by the abuser to the end, blaming the victim for concocting the story.

    Aaron Lazare, a psychiatrist, wrote “On Apology” a number of years ago.It remains a classic guide to how and why to apologize.

    He recommends face to face apology during which the abuser stipulates what he did. A request for forgiveness is not required and shouldn’t be expected. Rather, the admission and detailed description of guilt without making excuses is essential.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. This is very powerful Dr. Stein, apology is so necessary. My mother never apologized to each of us for most of the things she did.

      It took me around 10 years to try to get a real apology from her, she started out with “IF I ever did anything to hurt you, I apologize.” She had a hard time understanding that didn’t feel like a real apology when she hadn’t taken ownership of any of her actions but instead created an air of possibility that none of it had ever happened. That felt even more hurtful than the original abuse, the inference was I had made it all up.

      Many years ago, in a moment of honesty with me she had said she was sorry for the pain I had suffered at her hands, and she said I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I held onto that admission, even though she later clammed up. I realized that was as much of an apology as anything that I could ever hope to get. That one moment years ago allowed me to work on releasing my pain and anger, and it gave me clarity into the minds of many abusers.

      When I decided I didn’t want to keep perpetuating the damage that had been done to me, I decided I needed to learn to release the pain, for my own benefit. I saw that she herself was deeply damaged and she had done none of the inner work to release her own pains. A person who is happy and emotionally healthy would not inflict damage and pain onto others, for it would be foreign to who they were.

      I realize that many of my readers don’t get those validations or apologies, so I do my best to share the steps towards healing, so they too may work on releasing their own inner toxins that have gathered.

      Very few people actually get real and meaningful apologies for what was done to us, but we all need to know we have the power inside of ourselves to become ready to release the pain, not hold onto it, for like having swallowed knives, it keeps tearing us up inside.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

Leave a comment