This concept intrigued me when I heard it, and I don’t know if you’ve heard of it or considered it before.

Many of us were brought up hearing similar sentences to these: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you what-for!”   “I brought you into this world, I can take you out!”    Etc. Etc. Etc.

Those of us who are older know these kinds of words, for we were raised in fear and we received corporal punishment regularly. We received it at home and at school, for we could receive a spanking or “paddling” if we broke a rule. The manual many older generations relied on was the Bible, and an oft quoted phrase was “spare the rod and spoil the child”, which many took as divine guidance to beat children.

We weren’t taught how to regulate our emotions. We were told to smile even when we felt sad, for “there were others who had it worse than us”. We weren’t taught how to understand our emotions much less how to handle them in a healthy way, because our parents had no knowledge of how to themselves. They didn’t learn from their parents because they didn’t know how either. Does this explain some of the stuff you’re seeing?

In the past few years younger generations have been learning about how to handle their emotions in healthier ways, but it’s difficult when one is learning something new. These younger people in turn are trying to raise their kids in emotionally healthier ways than they had been brought up, and it’s a long learning process, and of course there have been some failures along with the successes, for no one was given a blueprint or manual.

As often happens, when one was brought up in an extremely strict way, one may go to the other side of the pendulum and be too soft, having no boundaries. Part of the “participation trophy” approach was in direct opposition to extremely harsh childrearing practices. Many see that as a failed attempt, and are now trying for more moderate, balanced approaches.

I decided to do a little dive into this topic, and found that teaching emotional regulation to kids and adults helps create better outcomes with regard to crime and addiction prevention.

In Psychology Today, Amanda L. Giordano Ph.D., LPC has an interesting article, “Is Emotion Regulation the Key to Addiction Prevention?“, with an eye-catching sub-title “Difficulties in emotion regulation are consistently linked to addiction.”

What is emotion regulation?

Since the 1990s, emotion regulation has been a key construct in social science research. In essence, emotion regulation is an individual’s ability to influence their emotional reactions using internal and external strategies (Gross, 1998; Thompson, 1994). Emotion regulation processes can modify the intensity, timing, quality, range, duration, and recovery from emotional experiences (Thompson, 1994). The ability to modify or regulate emotions is essential to existing in a social context; thus, deficits in emotion regulation skills can range from moderately challenging to severely incapacitating.

Amanda L. Giordano Ph.D., LPC, Is Emotion Regulation the Key to Addiction Prevention?

Of course, there have been some families who really understood emotional regulation in a healthy way, and not just suppressing or brushing emotions “under the rug”, but who were able to talk through their feelings as they related to events that came up. The rest of us dealt with parents and family members who had very short fuses and we had to tip-toe around them lest we unleash the monster.

When we deal with family members who use anger as a way to get what they want and who will belittle and disparage their family, we end up with a lot of collateral damage. If those family members also consume large quantities of alcohol and drugs, the damage is deeper, for often in the haze and rage many cruel things are said and that is often punctuated with physical violence.

It was and still is common for internal warfare to rage within families, and to the outside world they present a face of normalcy and peace. This warfare has damaged and traumatized untold amounts of our population, and people leave home bearing the inner scars. The inner pain of being belittled, criticized and emotionally (not to mention physically and sexually) abused has propelled too many people into seeking relief not in therapy or counseling, but in the release through alcohol, drugs and acting out aggressively towards others, or subconsciously seeking partners who exhibit the same behaviors of their parents because those are the most familiar patterns.

Unless we consciously choose new behaviors and ways of thinking, unfortunately, the old hurtful patterns tend to get repeated, not out of ill intent, but because the whole negative cycle was so deeply internalized.

I remember years ago I professed a desire to be different from my mother, so I wouldn’t end up repeating her patterns of parenting and how she treated people. I was told, “Well, good luck with that! You’re probably going to end up just like her, no matter what your current intentions are.” I was dumbstruck how they so easily dismissed my intentions, and until I realized that a) they were often projecting their own inadequacies onto me, b) it was going to take more than good intentions.

What is needed, if good intentions aren’t enough?

Good intentions are great, but they need to be backed up by actions. Consistent actions, not just sporadic ones seeking a pat on the head for good behavior.

Taking responsibility for our thoughts and our actions is only the first step. Working on actively changing how one reacts and sees everything as a threat or taking everything personally is crucial to the process. It’s quite difficult to change how one thinks and reacts, but it is doable.

What are the steps?

Laura Dimler, PhD in her article “Teaching Emotion Regulation Is Crime Prevention” on her blog Development Decoded

No, helping a toddler calm down won’t single-handedly stop a crime wave. But when kids learn to manage frustration, communicate anger, and recover from setbacks early in life, they’re far less likely to lash out, explode, or shut down in harmful ways later.

Helping kids manage big feelings isn’t just about stopping tantrums or teen blowups. Emotion regulation builds the brain skills that reduce aggression, risky behavior, and future harm to themselves and others. It really is prevention.

Laura Dimler, PhD in her article “Teaching Emotion Regulation Is Crime Prevention“

Often the parents who are trying to teach their kids how to do these things are themselves learning the same tools. Emotional regulation is a whole new practice and way of approaching everything in life, from grocery lines to traffic, from work relationships to home relationships.

How to build it:

• Practice calming tools: breathing (e.g., deep breaths, counting to 10, box breathing), movement (e.g., silliness, dancing, yoga), sensory input (e.g., stress ball, music).
• Name the feeling: “You’re really frustrated—let’s figure out what’s going on.” or even a vague, “It seems like you’re overwhelmed. Want to take a break together or talk it out?”
• Model regulation: Let them see you take a breath, name your own feelings, or recover after being upset (e.g., “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to grab some water and take a minute.”)
• Reflect after the moment: “What helped you calm down? What could help next time?”
• Repair when you mess up: “I got too upset and raised my voice. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry and I’m working on it.”
• Normalize the process: Emotion regulation isn’t automatic. It grows with coaching, modeling, and practice, well into adolescence and adulthood

Laura Dimler, PhD in her article “Teaching Emotion Regulation Is Crime Prevention“

If you wish to learn more about these steps, I highly recommend reading her article in it’s entirety as well as buying a few parenting books. She has some other posts tat may be helpful too:

• Why the First Five Years Matter (Without the Fear-Mongering)
• The Science Behind the Good Enough Parent
• Calm the Chaos: Why Predictable Routines Help Kids Thrive
• Chores Aren’t About Responsibility
• Teaching Patience When “Waiting is Not Easy”

It starts with ourselves. If we aren’t living it, we can’t model it. If we can’t model it, we’ll just be hypocrites and expect our kids to do something we ourselves struggle with. We need to change ourselves and how we think to be able to change how we react to triggers and stimuli in our lives.

Good news, it’s doable, with effort!

Here are a few posts giving some guidance for those steps:

• Brain Rewiring
• Challenge: When a negative thought enters your mind, think three positive ones. Train yourself to flip the script!
• Change how you see and see how you change.
• Change the tapes!
• Changing our thoughts and habits Part 1: how does it physically work in the brain?
• Changing our thoughts and habits Part 2: how does it physically work in our body?
• It’s never too late to teach ourselves!
• Resilience is knowing that YOU are the only one that has the power and the responsibility to pick yourself up
• Science has proven that changing our inner dialogue changes our brain
• Scientifically speaking: The power of speaking kindly to ourselves and to others
• Turning Poison into Medicine

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

My books: Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

Guided Journals help you work on a particular issue by answering questions to help see patterns and to find solutions:

Removing Inner Blocks ||  Anger Journal || Guided Anxiety Journal  ||  Joy & Mindfulness Journal   ||  My Boundaries Journal  || My Inner Thoughts Journal   

Thanks for buying my books on Amazon!

#writing #InspirationalWriting #art #creativity #strength #mentor #teacher #HappinessGuru #love #growth #healing #life, #inspiration, #quotes #happiness #joy #PersonalGrowth #pain #depression #anxiety #SelfEsteem, #LifeSkills #empowerment #encouragement #support #intuition #journal #consciousness #mind #learn #God #universe #angels #spiritual #spirit #awareness #journal #boundaries #emotionalhealth #mentalhealth #emotions