I was shocked to find out I was co-dependent years ago. I thought I just loved very deeply and was mystified why it wasn’t reciprocated. When my first husband was going through counselling in a drug rehab facility, the families were brought in for a group session, where we learned we had unwittingly played a part in that dance. Naturally, we were all horrified and cried at the thought that our deep love could be construed that way. There were many tears and some very angry responses. We did a lot of pearl-clutching that day.

We learned what co-dependency was and it was eye-opening to learn how our unwitting behaviors were contributing to keeping the problems going.

According to Kelly Reci in her article 17 Ways You Can Tell You’re Forcing a Relationship That Won’t Work, we can inadvertently be self-sabotaging, when in fact the relationship may not be viable.

We so very badly want to have a relationship, that we ignore so many signs, and we try to keep it going instead of walking away.

So exactly, what kinds of things do co-dependent people do?

We’re always justifying their behavior
We make excuses for them to others, so they won’t look bad and have to face any consequences. Think about it for a minute. If they’re such a good person to be with, why do they need us to keep making excuses for them?

We’re more invested than they are
This serves them well, they get to say they’re in a relationship, with none of the work. We think if we just keep loving them enough, then they will realize how much we pour into them and then they’ll reciprocate. This is the story we tell ourselves so that we keep going because the truth feels too much like a rejection and is more than we can bear.

There is constant tension
This is common when there isn’t open communication, but instead there is defensiveness, blame shifting, anger that erupts out of nowhere, and behaviors keep getting repeated without meaningful change happening.

We don’t feel supported
This kind of goes hand in hand with them not being fully invested. If we’re doing the work in the relationship, they don’t see when we need their help or support. If they do see it, they’re okay with letting the ball drop, knowing full well we’ll pick it up. In healthy relationships both people support and back each other up, in unhealthy relationships there’s usually a huge imbalance, and the side that isn’t supportive often sees it as their due, that they receive while the other gives.

I was astounded to learn that other husbands were very supportive of their wives during pregnancy, driving them and attending appointments with them, going to birthing classes together, and making sure their wives had what they needed during and after pregnancy. When my husband admitted he accepted extra late shifts, just so he didn’t have to come home and help out, I realized the depth of my aloneness.

We feel we’ve lost parts of ourselves
When we’re in an unhealthy relationship, we’ll compromise so much that we end up giving up the very things that keep us healthy, in an effort to keep our partner happy and satisfied. They don’t like our friends or family? We don’t see them so much anymore, if at all. They don’t like our hobbies or find them silly? We drop them and just do what they want to, or there will be pouting or snide comments to deal with. We sacrifice parts of ourselves that are vital to who we are, because it seems more important to keep the peace to make them happy.

They don’t make time for us
We shouldn’t have to beg to spend time with them, nor should we be expected to live on crumbs of their affection, but that’s what happens when we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really value us. Deep down we know this, but we continue to hang on for the bits that get thrown at us, always yearning to return to the days when they lavished attention on us. What is so very hard to accept is those early, heady days of romance were to quickly reel us in, but that’s not how they are in their day-to-day life.

We keep hoping they’ll change
Oof, this is a big one isn’t it? We think that with enough of our love they will be able to heal from the trauma or difficulties of their own pasts, or if we believe in them enough they will be able to achieve the potential we think we see in them, except everything we give them is never enough for that to happen. Why could that be? Is there something faulty with our love? Are we not being supportive enough? Nope, that’s not the problem! It isn’t for US to fix THEM. THEY need to fix THEMSELVES. Instinctively they know this, but they just aren’t willing to put in the time and effort it would take, and as long as they can keep us on a string hoping for change, they’ll continue to have all their needs met!

We can’t communicate honestly with them about our feelings
When we’re involved with someone who has anger or jealousy issues, or who is very defensive and deflects any perceived negative right back onto us, it can feel safer to just keep silent and to bottle up our thoughts and feelings, rather than risk creating more arguments.

The spark is gone but it hasn’t been replaced with real emotional intimacy
Often when we’ve been love-bombed, our emotions and sex drive get amped up from all the attention we’ve been given, but once our partner has gotten us into a relationship and their very active woo-ing dies down, so do our feelings of attraction towards them. We need to look closely, did we really get to know them and establish real intimacy, or did we just get swept up in the ardor of the moment? If not, can we establish real intimacy? Is it something we can build towards, or are there some of the above signs thrown in, acting as barriers?

A fear of being alone
Ooh, this is a biggie, especially for anyone actively living trauma responses. We can get so beaten down that we lack the confidence that we could pay all our bills on what salary we could earn. If our partner has a good size paycheck, it may seem impossible to live on so much less, and our fear of living in grinding poverty is a very real fear. We may question if we have what it takes to make our own way in life; we see how difficult it is for others and they may seem so much stronger than us.

I’ll tell you a secret: we develop strength when we need to! Just like going to the gym, it’s difficult in the beginning, but as we get some practice, we build our confidence. There are also wonderful community resources available, may through a local library or community center, or they can help point you in the appropriate direction.

There isn’t growth on both sides
If one person is doing a lot of growing, there’s going to be changes, and that may result in two people growing apart instead of growing side by side or alongside each other. It could be as simple as one person growing up and becoming a mature adult while the other person stays very adolecent-like. It could be one person developing deep spiritual or religious beliefs while the other may be antagonistice towards them. No matter where the growth and changes are, if both aren’t growing, and it’s only happening on one side, life can begin to feel very lopsided.

Always comparing your relationship to others
This can be difficult, for as social media shows us, people will often present a facade that doesn’t show the reality. When we’re in a happy, healthy relationship, we don’t feel a need to compare ourselves to others as much, because we are satisfied. However, when things aren’t going well, there can almost be an obsessive need to compare, kind of “look we’re better than so-and-so” to try to validate why we stay.

We rely on them for our own happiness
When we’re co-dependent, our past experiences taught us that if mom or dad wasn’t happy, then life would be difficult. This hurt inner child still has their radar finely tuned to our partner’s moods. We take our cues from them. We haven’t yet learned to establish healthy boundaries, to psychologically know where we end and they begin, for it was always rather fuzzy. If we’ve given up our autonomy, our hobbies, our friends, our family, our own interests, even our own opinion, then knowing if we can be happy on our own can be a bit of a mystery. Their happiness has become our happiness, and for many religious people this has sacred overtones, so we may not dare question it. I think deep down we know if we are happy or not, but if we aren’t, then adopting our partner’s mood may feel safer than exploring our own unhappiness.

We keep ignoring our gut feelings
If we’ve been gaslighted for any length of time, we learn to ignore our gut feelings. If we’ve adopted our partner’s moods as our own, then we ignore our gut feelings. Sometimes we consciously push down our gut feelings, for if we were to look at them, then we’d feel forced to make a decision we may be afraid of making.

It’s become so exhausting instad of energizig
When we’re constantly dealing with trying to navigate all the areas of difficulty as outlined above, yes, it takes a lot of our mental energy. In a healthy relationship it isn’t so exhausting, because we know we’re supported, we don’t feel burdened. An unhealthy relationship can take so much out of us that it affects our physical health and well-being.

Holding onto the past
If we’re only able to hang onto our relationship because we keep looking back to how things used to be in the beginning, that’s a vital clue that the present days aren’t so great. We can’t face what that means or face an obvious decision we must make if we were to face that truth, so we keep deluding ourselves by focusing on the past. It’s a loop we choose to live in, rather than admitting that we were wrong about all that wonderful potential we saw. It’s hard to admit we may have been taken in by an act, so we hold onto old unmet promises.

You aren’t happy, but are ignoring that
We fool ourselves all the time, but deep down we know the truth. If we were to admit the truth to ourselves, we know we would be faced with a decision we would need to make. We all deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. What would your happiness look like?

Hanging onto a relationship that is dead and isn’t going to be resuscitated takes a heavy toll on a person’s spirit. There are all sorts of ways we try to justify it to ourselves and to others, but deep down we know our truth. Some have resigned themselves to living their lives that way, and some choose not to continue. Only you can make your own decision for yourself.

I wish you health, happiness and abundance!

• 19 signs of a healthy relationship
• Changing ourselves and others
• What’s the opposite of “Hurt people hurt others”?
• Do you like or loathe the person you see in the mirror? How does one go about changing the loathing into liking?
• Changing how we speak to ourselves
• Could you be a “Co-dependent” and not know it?
• Awakening is not changing who you are, but discarding who you are not.
• If an egg is broken by outside force, life ends. If broken by inside force, life begins. Great things always begin from inside.
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards, and/or expectations wasn’t really stable enough to begin with.
• Overcoming the Impossible! Here’s a few steps to make it happen!
• Gentle ways to start setting boundaries

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
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