“Most people think sequoias survive because they’re massive. But that’s not even close to the real reason.

If you’ve ever had the privilege standing beside one of these giants, you’ll find it hard NOT to think of resilience. These trees can live through droughts, fires, storms, and climate shifts that would kill almost anything else.

But as an engineer this is what I’m fixated on:

The tallest tree in the world has roots that only go 6-12 feet deep. That should be impossible. A 300-foot tree with shallow roots makes no sense from an engineering perspective.

But… Sequoias don’t survive alone.

Their root systems spread 50-80 feet wide and interweave with every other sequoia around them. They share nutrients, water, and structural support. When storms come in, they support each other. The forest is the system: Not the individual trees.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this.

Most people try to build resilience by making themselves bigger, stronger, more independent. They stockpile resources, they build higher walls, they go it alone.

But the most resilient systems in nature are interconnected.

Maybe the question isn’t “how do I become more self-sufficient?” but “how do I become more meaningfully connected to the right systems?” – Rob Avis

We have a loneliness epidemic. The internet and the cell phone were supposed to connect us all, but we seem to have just developed our own little bubbles that we fiercely guard.

• Phone someone without first texting them that we will call? This is now a social faux-pas.
• Try to plan something last minute, i.e. a day or two beforehand? Sorry, too short notice for my busy schedule!
• Join a local meet-up group? Go to a few activities and find out you’re the only one who came.

As we get older, making friends is harder with many friend groups already established, and many people don’t want to admit to having fewer friends. Whether due to moving, friends dying, losing friends in divorce or other reasons, making friends is harder.

Couple relationships are harder too. It has become socially accepted that we will stop dating or even texting someone if a red flag pops up, and ghosting people is much easier than having a conversation that could potentially become heated or even violent, so avoidance is now normal.

Emotional connection has been changing as people see the need to heal from past hurts and damage inflicted from unhealthy relationships. People no longer want to suffer silently while the other person takes them for granted or worse, treats them shabbily or even terribly.

Economically, women no longer need to be married to have financial steadiness in their lives and be able to have social clout. Staying married for the sake of appearances, while suffering unspeakable things behind closed doors is no longer seen as a badge of honor, “she stood by her man” at all costs. Being a single parent isn’t the mortal sin it once was, so people aren’t rushing to marry the next person who comes along who has a heartbeat.

Many people join churches to feel a sense of community, only to find that they need to give up a lot of their individuality to be accepted and deemed acceptable. Some people find comfort, but many people are leaving churches because of feeling repressed or even spiritually abused.

Relationships rarely happen in bars, so if you’re looking to connect with real people, that’s not the best venue to get to know new people! Likewise, sitting at home watching movies or scrolling endlessly on your phone or computer may be entertaining, but again, not the best place to connect with people. Yes, there’s interaction, but it’s the kind of interaction that just keeps perpetuating the loneliness and separateness cycles.

We’ve (collectively) become complacent about forming meaningful relationships, and that malaise isn’t going to go away on its own. If you want to change parts of your life and have more meaningful relationships, only you can make that happen!

How do we create healthy relationships and build close communities?

I don’t have magic, all-encompassing answers and solutions to this problem. I’m like everyone else, working on building and maintaining relationships that are meaningful to me.

Here are some things I’ve learned and have worked on putting into my life:

• Reach out to people. We’re all busy, so being persistent is important. Just because someone is busy does not mean they don’t want to be friends. Keep trying.
  
• Try new things. Learn new stuff, develop hobbies or expand on what you’re doing, for that makes you a more rounded person and gives you more things to have in common with people of like mind.
  
• Join up a group or two. First find a group that interests you, then join!
  
• Strike up conversations with people. Staying in our little bubble can be safe, but it’s isolating. Having a conversation with someone new isn’t an automatic obligation to be friends with them!
  
• When you meet people who you don’t feel an affinity with, or who show themselves to be intolerant or disrespectful, you do not need to have them in your life.
  
• Know who you are, and don’t try to be something you’re not. Be authentic.
  
• Work on healing yourself so that you aren’t forcing everyone around you to live in your trauma with you.
  
• Work on healing relationships you have within the family. Don’t try to heal someone else, that’s their job.

Remember, building friendships and relationships take time and effort; they never were easy, but we live in a time where it’s too easy to isolate ourselves into our little bubbles.

I think together we can all help each other shift from isolating ourselves to becoming better at building stronger relationships.

On a memory note: when I was a single mom when my daughter was young, I’d invite other alone people to share our holiday meals. One year that expanded to include a family whose mom was going through some mental health issues and wasn’t able to cook the family dinners. We found we all had wonderful, warm holiday memories, where single people weren’t left to fend for themselves. Since I couldn’t afford to pay for all the food for everyone, I asked each person to bring a side or dessert. Together we assembled a feast for the stomach and the spirit.

I encourage you all to think of ways to connect with people. We don’t need to be alone and lonely!

• Affirmation: I am open and ready for exciting new times in my life.
• Affirmation: Life is very simple. What I give out comes back to me. Today I chose to give love. Love is all there is!
• Live like someone left the gate open!
• Sometimes the best things happen unexpectedly!
• You are amazing. Go out there and be your very best You!
• Believe that you can and you’re halfway there.
• As you start to walk on the way, it appears.
• 19 signs of a healthy relationship
• Green flagged – people who are considered good people have these traits

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/

My books: Developing Happiness When You Can’t Find It and How to Heal Your Life on a Deep Heart Level are available in paperback and Kindle. Audiobooks are available for the busy person!

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Removing Inner Blocks ||  Anger Journal || Guided Anxiety Journal  ||  Joy & Mindfulness Journal   ||  My Boundaries Journal  || My Inner Thoughts Journal   

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