by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

Will your kids end up going no contact with you?

After many years, I ended up going no-contact with my mother, but I’m emotionally supportive to my brother who has accepted the duties of visiting her occasionally to check up on her and to help her out with certain tasks. It was not an easy decision for me, but I took it when I saw she was unwilling to change anything in how she treated me or my daughter.

A common reason for estrangement is the perceived lack of love and care exchanged between parent and child. For many estranged adult children, their relationship with their parents is toxic, often stemming from years of neglect or abuse throughout childhood and young adulthood. Eventually, cutting off contact becomes both a challenging and necessary step for these individuals.

from Psychology Today – 3 Reasons Why No-Contact Families Are Becoming a New Norm

Alexandra Blogier states in “9 Traits Of Parents Whose Adult Kids Often Go No Contact Once They Grow Up” the main points that cause many people to stop having an active relationship with their parents. These points are:

  1. They lack empathy
  2. They’re controlling
  3. They ignore their kids’ boundaries
  4. They’re dismissive of their children’s feelings
  5. They’re overly dependent on their children – codependent
  6. They don’t offer encouragement
  7. Parents see themselves as the victim
  8. They’re emotionally inconsistent
  9. They perpetuate conflict

People struggle with the idea of going no-contact, because it seems so final. It can be a temporary measure, as in, “When you do such and such, I can’t be around you”, or it can become the only viable solution left after many years of trying to work things out, to no avail. They will do their best to communicate why they’re so unhappy, but if they’re met with the above responses, or a potent combination of them, then going no-contact seems like the one way to regain one’s sense of peace and feel whole again.

There’s a huge element of denial in the people who have been cut off. They seem to block out what their family members have said about their behavior, minimizing it to the point that they seem honestly confused why they’ve been cut off. My mother struggles to take responsibility for anything she says or does, to anyone, so it’s quite difficult to maintain a relationship with her, so people choose to not continue friendships with her when there’s no accountability on her side, but she expects it from others. If asked, she seems quite mystified why people discontinue relationships with her.

However, when parents ask why they were cut off, and their children explain, the response is often met with disbelief. Many parents struggle to accept that their child has chosen to sever ties, sometimes reacting with a sense of entitlement, as though it’s unimaginable for a child to take such a step. It can take time for these parents to fully comprehend and accept the reality of the estrangement. After a boundary is set, they may continue reaching out and living in denial for some time.

from Psychology Today – 3 Reasons Why No-Contact Families Are Becoming a New Norm

A lot of people going no-contact with parents are those whose parents are in the Boomer or the Silent Generation. There is so much more awareness now of different therapies, the effects of abuse through generations, what addictions do to families, etc. that just weren’t talked about in previous generations. Abuse and its effects were so baked into our societies that there was no concept of healing, therapy, or wellness so people ended up suffering, generation after generation, with the victims getting blamed for what happened to them.

Abuse wasn’t talked about or acknowledged, it was seen as something to be suffered in silence, and not “airing one’s dirty laundry in public” was seen as being stoic, handling life the way one “ought”. Those suffering in silence struggled with their inner burdens, and if they spoke about it, they spoke in coded phrases, “He was a difficult man to please, who often took liberties he shouldn’t have”, or “When he was drunk, the kids learned to hide” or “She had a tongue that could shrivel the bravest”.

It was considered to be shameful to break the silence about what was really happening in many homes, and only is it much more recently accepted to speak about what one has gone through. People were expected to suffer and be loyal to the very people who were destroying them, and even to physically take care of them as they aged and became infirm.

Years ago, it wasn’t as common for people to choose to go no-contact with a parent, for it only seemed that a heartless person would reject their aging parents, and few people wished to risk that label, so they continued to suffer under an abusive parent, and then passed it onto their own kids.

It is only more recently that we’ve come to understand that abusive behavior doesn’t need to be tolerated for an entire lifetime, that one can choose to step away from one’s abuser. Even married people have come to understand they don’t need to suffer in a marriage that is destroying them.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to break long-held patterns in families. It can take years of inner work to heal before one can hope to break those old chains. It takes developing new and healthier ways of thinking as well as communicating with others, to create new Neural pathways that become our new go-to.

While some people are working on themselves and working on healing, there are still kids who will end up going no-contact with parents who haven’t done this inner work. As enlightened as we feel we have become, there’s still a whole lot of work to be done.

If families start to develop healthier and more caring ways of communicating, we will hopefully start to see gradual reductions in people damaged from their past and seeking to obliterate it through alcohol, drugs, violence. Until then, we’ll continue to see kids going no-contact with their parents and siblings.

Estrangement is often temporary, with many families reconciling after a period of separation, especially with counseling. Accountability is vital, with parents taking responsibility for their role in the rift. However, reconciliation isn’t always possible, and sometimes, maintaining boundaries is necessary for mental health. Not all relationships can or should be repaired.

from Psychology Today – 3 Reasons Why No-Contact Families Are Becoming a New Norm

So, here’s a difficult question: will your kids want to go no-contact with you when they’ve grown up, because your own unhealed traumas are spilling over onto them?

Or

Will you start the difficult journey of inner healing and learning to communicate in healthier ways? It’s hard to do, but still doable!

Start small, but start!

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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43 thoughts on “Will your kids end up going no contact with you?”

    1. You are indeed very blessed! Yes, sometimes it’s a temporary situation, but if the parent continues to be abusive inspire of best efforts, then it’s often better for the child to remain no contact. It’s sad that should be necessary, but one’s mental and physical well-being is important.

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        1. There’s more going on with her than just pride issues. She has classic acute narcissistic personality disorder symptoms and has been diagnosed with an undisclosed (to anyone apart from her doctors and herself) of a mental illness, but said she won’t reveal it to either my brother or myself, for fear that “we will lock her up in a mental institution”. She refuses all medical help, saying “she doesn’t want to be a drug addict”, she equates medication with hard drugs. So, she’s definitely a person that it’s healthier to go no contact with!

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            1. Me too. I care for her afar through my brother. I support him when he deals with her, and offer suggestions. He’s grateful for the support as she’s difficult with him too.

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                    1. It does, he calls me on his long drive to her place to get himself ready, and then afterwards to debrief and decompress so he doesn’t bring it all home to his wife.

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                    3. Lol, that’s what he says! I know how stressful it is to deal with her, so I’m glad to help him!

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  2. I believe that if a person is in a situation where abuse of any kind is happening to them, separation is best. Even if it is a family member, your own personal health is more important. And especially if the abuser thinks they aren’t doing anything wrong. Good post Tamara.

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    1. Thanks Pennize! I totally agree with you, there certainly are situations where going no contact is the best option. Thank goodness we’re no longer obligated to stay in situations simply out of duty.

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  3. It’s not easy to go no-contact with a family member, especially a parent but sometimes it needs to be done. If we don’t set boundaries, we’re the ones that will end up miserable and unhappy.

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    1. So true. Going no contact is often a last resort option that people take to regain their sanity, but it can be very helpful.

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  4. In treating those who had been abused or neglected, one thing I always told them to be sure that, before they chose to go “no contact,” that they had reached the point of trying everything and believed there was no hope of change. Unless they did this, they were likely to live with guilt and are more likely to beg to come back into the family fold. Thanks for your treatment of this topic, Tamara.

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    1. I completely agree with you, we need to be certain that we have tried everything before taking on such a big thing. Sometimes a temporary measure is good, so that we can properly establish a healthy boundary. If the person changes and learns to respect it, then a cautious rapprochement can be attained. If the person still continues their behavior, then we know it is the right thing to continue to go no-contact. As we know, there are some people who will never change, no matter how much we may try to get them to!

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  6. An interesting thing, I finally faced myself and healed…but my children are still damaged and in that place of loss. I can do no more but leave a door open. That is why I finally realized that those things are ever passed onto our children because as they grow up, us as parents, haven’t yet healed.

    It has a purpose, a very great purpose in going through that healing to find ourselves and understand conditional love from our parents to then realize unconditional love in breaking through those things that hold us and find ourselves.

    We can never truly understand happiness unless we experience sadness too…and on through all those emotions we go through. It is a very hard but profound journey. And so well created that it isn’t until we see and understand us in those experiences, can we step beyond them.

    And even amazingly, I could look back and realize also that that each and every step is reaching that destination, there isn’t any wrong move because they are all showing us ‘us’. And in that a great love awaits, we will be glad of it all in its understanding.

    Great post Tamara, to dare us to see those steps 🤗❤️🙏

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    1. Thanks Mark! I figured this post would be a challenging read for some people, but I wanted to hold out the ray of hope showing the doorway to healing.

      I understand how your children can still be carrying the damage. My daughter was damaged in her relationship with her father, who was very critical of her, and it has taken her a lot of hard work to heal and to learn to become a better person and a better parent. It’s a process. When I was healing, I was changing how I was speaking about myself and my past experiences, which helped her to seek out her own healing. Even though I have now written books about healing, that wasn’t where she went to get her own information, after all, I’m still Mom.

      She had to find her own path, and being a younger generation, she has found a few TikTok creators who are very supportive and informative on different aspects of healing and putting oneself together again. She shares those videos with me, and we can chat a bit about what the lesson is. Your kids will seek out (or not) their own paths too. You can be there to cheer them on and to support their efforts. If you were a reason for their damage, it will take time for their healing. I hope it will come and all of you can work on creating brand new relationships, based on who you are now, not on who you were.

      If you were a party to their damage, and you haven’t given them a heartfelt, detailed apology, I urge you to consider it, for they need the validation that they did nothing wrong, and you were in a dark, unhealed place. Simply telling them you have healed and aren’t the same person any longer will not be sufficient for their own healing journey. They need to hear your hearfelt apology, and the details of what you’re apologizing for. I suggest a letter to each child. There can be too much pain in their hearts to hear something verbally. It is possible they aren’t ready to hear your apology, they have their own healing timeline to follow, and what worked for you won’t necessarily work for them.

      Healing is difficult when one’s sense of justice has been upended, and for a child to experience trauma at the hands of a parent is a betrayal, so the healing is difficult. It can be eased if a parent gives a deep heartfelt, humble apology, and if the kids can see the parent has indeed changed. I apologized to my daughter for ways I had hurt her, when I didn’t know better and was damaged myself. We’ve had may discussions over the years, for healing and growth takes time.

      Wishing you well on this family journey!

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      1. Thank you Tamara, and so beautifully said. And yes, you are still mom 🤣 It does take time to go through those many layers and each time more tends to come up. It’s almost like a constant debate until those hurt bits are truly verbalized and broken through. And there has been apologies but complete separation has occurred.

        Now, as I said, I just leave the door open. There has been a tentative knock on that door and a separation again. And this is good, but requiring them to digest a little more until it is time to dare that truth again.

        The difficult part is a third party not coming forward. If they do a huge amount of my actions become very apparent. But Spirit has said this is up to them, it has nothing to do with me even though I am ‘looked down upon’. In that understanding it will all open.

        And no I’m not saying I am innocent in any way, I have caused much grief as well…but…without this piece it leaves an unhealed hole. I cannot speak up without causing more pain and not allowing another to find that truth in their own hearts, to go beyond their fear that is holding them.

        What I have done is faced my fear and seen a truth that has set me free…but I cannot push that truth onto anyone until they are ready. Otherwise, like most of us, when something is forced it automatically puts them on the defensive and they can’t hear.

        When they are ready they will ask…naturally…to gain that love and happiness we ever search for 🤗❤️🙏

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        1. Very wise Mark, allowing healing to happen takes its own time. I know in my daughter’s case, her father was highly critical of both her and I, but she had absorbed a lot of what he had said about me, so it took many years for her to see who I am, not who he painted me to be.

          That only happens when we live life authentically and not through trying to impress anyone or to get them to change their minds, for their radar and inner senses pick up on it. Of we haven’t been living authentically and they’ve picked up on it, we’re in a worse place than before, for they see it as lying and subterfuge to manipulate their emotions.

          The fact that you’ve had a knock on the door is good, they’re watching. The only thing to do is to just keep living authentically and joyfully, regardless of the outcome.

          Healing is difficult for all parties. People who have been hurt will often incorporate that into their identity, so until they’re ready to cast that off and embrace the unknown of who they are without the pain, one needs to gently wait.

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          1. Well said Tamara, as only that authenticity can speak…because you have experienced it and know its truth. Thank you for a great share, may it bring that light of love to those who dare to stand within it 🤗❤️🙏

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    1. After having read your experiences, I totally understand why you went no-contact with your mother. It sounds as though you have broken the old cycles, and you are to be commended for it is hard work! Thankfully our past doesn’t have to equal our future or our family’s future! Bravo!

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        1. Yes, bravo to us! Becoming our better selves… this is a goal worthy of pursuing! It can be gut wrenching work but worth it when we get to have peace in our minds and hearts as a result of it!

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