by Tamara Kulish from https://tamarakulish.com/

My mother’s passing and a deep lesson she learned

“And yet, it’s only when we truly grasp that our time is slipping away that the most beautiful part of us rises to the surface. Perhaps it’s because, when everything is stripped down to its essence, the noise disappears… and the thing that remains is love.”

Excerpt from what James Lucas wrote in a Substack essay on September 11, 2025

Yesterday I posted PTSD flare where I stated: “My abuser who I’ve been no contact with for the past few years let my brother know she felt lonely and was sad she didn’t have a relationship with me. He was trying to be kind to her, so he told me that he had told her maybe she could repair her relationship with me… I ended up texting him and letting him know that I didn’t want false hope to be given to my abuser, that as long as I was seeing her still treating the people around her badly, that I held out no hope that things would go differently for me.”

Dr. Stein’s post today has given me clarification on some of my thoughts. This was very timely for me to read.

My mother passed away last night from congestive heart failure from pneumonia, and my daughter and I were on the phone with my brother so we could give her a send-off for her last couple of hours. We sang to her, my daughter and brother read scripture, we said our good-byes, and I love you’s.

She was finally able to let go of the hatred and judgment she had held onto regarding my daughter since she was 8 years old. Yes, my daughter was supposed to have borne her ill will, completely untrue, but it blocked my mother from being able to have a relationship with her granddaughter and later her great grandchildren all these years.

Last night she realized none of that mattered anymore and she was finally able to say “I love you” to my daughter and say she loved her great-grandchildren too. She was able to say I love you to me, in gentleness and I to her.

We gave her a loving send-off, because we wanted her spirit to leave in peace. This was only possible because of all the deep inner healing we each have done in ourselves.

I realize the timing of my post yesterday and our sending off my mother in a very loving way may seem to be opposites to each other.

I know that each of us did our very best over the span of a few decades to form healthy, loving bonds with my mother, but she wasn’t ready to work on her own inner stuff. She was deeply unhappy from past traumas and held onto them as a large part of her identity. Releasing that identity was too scary for her, and even though it affected every single relationship and friendship she had ever had, she still wasn’t ready.

It was only when she was on her deathbed that she was able to release the anger and hatred, perhaps because she saw that those things really aren’t the important things, and perhaps because we didn’t abandon her, but instead rallied around to give her a loving send-off, she was finally able to see that love is the most important thing.

Had she been able to recover from all that, I would still keep healthy boundaries in place with her, which loosely stated are: “When you treat me or my child/grand-children with disrespect or distain, I cannot open myself to you, nor can I be around you when you behave this way.”

Living our lives needs to be done in the healthiest way we can manage. Sometime that requires setting strong boundaries to protect our physical and mental health.

Death is a time where we can have opportunities to work through some past issues with the person who is dying, but that’s not guaranteed to happen. Sometimes we need to gracefully release the people who have hurt us, not to rewrite the past, but to allow our minds and spirits to be finally released from the inner prison the pain had backed us into.

Love is the most important thing, and when we know it, we can choose to live our lives differently.

Sending love to you.

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara

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46 thoughts on “My mother’s passing and a deep lesson she learned”

  1. Pingback: Does asking for forgiveness in the final moments of life count? – Tamara Kulish
  2. Pingback: An important lesson I learned after my mother’s last hours – Tamara Kulish

  3. I am sorry about the passing of your Mother. And amazed and glad for your family that you were able to find peace and love together in her final hours.

    Thank you for opening your heart to us and sharing. What you’ve shared is deeply moving and beautiful.

    Sending you and your family love.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and supportive words. We did it, not because we felt she deserved it, but because of who we were. We decided that giving her this gift was also important to us too. By us making the decision together to give her a loving send-off, my mother responded in kind, and was able to finally drop her old anger and hatreds, which was the biggest blessing for us, because we were able to finally have some peaceful closure.

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        1. Yes, thank you. It took us years of inner work to be able to give that gift. Above all, the hatred and anger would die with her, not to be carried forward by us in our lives.

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  4. Wow, Tamara. What a moving description of her finally being ready to let go and the way you were able to communicate with her in the last hours. It sounds cleansing on all sides but still sad that the freedom that you often provide lessons in finding didn’t happen for your mom to the end. May she rest in peace.

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    1. Thank you Wynne. Yes, it’s complicated but we needed to be able to release her and the pain she had caused so we could all move forward in peace.

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  5. First, I’m sending condolences, Tamara. Death, no matter how we felt about the person, is sometimes a challenge.

    Second, I’m glad to hear that healing occurred. There is nothing worse than regrets once someone has transitioned.

    Finally, I can relate to this for so many reasons, but primarily because I felt an immense burden lifted once my father died.

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    1. Yes, indeed death has its own timing. I’m very grateful that we could finish off decades of hurt with a peaceful release. It was healing for all of us. Thank you for your supportive thoughts, Michele.

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  9. This is a good ending which you yourself made possible through healing yourself. I am proud of you! It’s fascinating how life surprises us in so many ways, and when we least expect it. It shows that there is always hope – and always love, indeed. May you find peace. My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you Rosaliene. Yes, I feel grateful for how this experience has allowed even more release for me, and for my daughter. Thank you for your supportive words.

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  12. First of all, I’m very sorry about your Mother’s passing. Second of all, I’ve always carried on this quote with me inside that “Love always wins.” What happened with you, your family and your mother that night, exactly embodied that reality in real time. The healing you’ve done for yourself is rewarding you well. All of that strength and courage have given me things to think about. I hope you and your family find even more healing during your time of grief.

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    1. Thank you Chris. I truly believe the whole point to healing and inner growth is to reach a place of peace and to be able to love in a healthy and supportive way. I’m grateful that we were able to experience this together as a family; all the primary people she hurt were able to heal and to then be able to release her in love.

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  14. My goodness, Tamara. This is so powerful and meaningful. I’m happy you had this closure, this positive ending. It seems it could not have gone better. Wow. In the end, what truly matters is revealed. You have shared that so well. My heart goes out to you as you experience these next days with such a wave of emotions I can only imagine. May your whole family be at peace, and may God have mercy on your mother’s soul.

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  15. My condolences to you for your mothers passing Tamara. To finally see that within herself after so long would be a very big moment, an answer to probably a lifelong fear that she held. And at the least an acceptance by you in seeing that change. Love and light to you and family kind lady ❤️🙏

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  16. You are a model of strength, survival, therapeutic wisdom, and grace, Tamara. Not everyone could have offered love at the end. My condolences on your loss.

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  17. Sending you love, Tamara. I imagine the loss of those we have had turbulent relationships will could be especially challenging. I’ll be holding you and your family in my heart today, ❤️

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