Recently I was attacked by a friend who had held onto a couple of things that I had said to her weeks, even months ago.
I had told her I had disagreed with her on two big issues, and I guess the need to “prove me wrong” festered inside of her until she found a video to support her point.
She sent me the video, which I watched and found to be interesting because it presented different information from what I had originally heard. I acknowledged it to her and said it was interesting.
Unfortunately, she sent me a blistering message which showed she had held onto her anger and was waiting for the opportunity to show me I was wrong.
She’s normally a very outspoken person, but like many people, these past couple of years has morphed into an angry person who feels “saying it like it is” excuses her from being hurtful.
“Telling it like it is” has become an excuse to vent and unload vitriol onto others
I don’t mind plain speaking or speaking from the heart. I do draw the line at speaking hurtfully to others or not being willing to consider their feelings.
“Telling it like it is” which has simply become venting, is simply an excuse for a person to have an emotional meltdown, or tantrum if you will, at the expense of others around them.
Unfortunately, like so many now who feel it is their right to “speak their mind”, this has become an excuse to tear into another person and feel they can and should be excused if the other person feels hurt or attacked.
By the way, for whoever needs to hear this, “Freedom of speech” does not equal freedom to hurt people!!
No apologies
“You’re being too sensitive” was what I was told after I let that person know how I felt.
So, instead of apologizing for dumping every one of her angry thoughts onto me, I was corrected for not accepting having her anger dumped.
No apologies for hurting another person, just justification for why they felt it was necessary.
I’m sorry, but what kind of friendship or relationship contract is that?
Taking responsibility for our own feelings vs. dumping them onto other people
Emotionally mature people see that venting out on others just spreads the hurt and pain around, but doesn’t actually deal with the problem.
Taking responsibility for our own emotions is a hallmark of emotional maturity and is a goal for a healing journey.
When someone just vents out their anger onto someone else, it’s an indication of the unhealed hurt and pain they carry, which can manifest as extreme anger when they are triggered.
In my world, I treat others respectfully, and if I’m angry or upset, I find a way to explain myself so I own MY feelings and don’t make them the responsibility of others to deal with.
The lines of respect get erased
Relationships, whether very casual or not, if they’re built on a basis of respect, will not devolve into one person feeling justified in speaking disrespectfully to others.
Mature and healthy relationships are built on mutual respect.
When one person chooses to erase those lines, they’re expecting others to accept their disrespect as part of the relationship.
How do we know if a relationship is toxic?
You’re in a relationship that is toxic or has become so if they’re very hurtful and expect you to absorb it all.
In the past, I have taken great pains to try to get someone to “see” how their actions or words affected me, without much success!
You’ll get very frustrated if you try to change someone!
People will only change if they see there’s a need to, and even then it’s really difficult for them to make changes.
So do you need to just put up with it? What can you do?
When relationships become toxic we have 2 choices
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Maya Angelou
We can choose to remain in the relationship and continue to accept the unhealthiness someone has brought in, or we can choose to take a step back from the person if they just don’t see that anything is amiss.
I’ll always check in with that person to see what’s going on with them. Often they’re just overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle feeling “flooded”.
When they realize their emotions have come out so strongly that I’ve been affected, most of the time they’ll apologize for spilling their inner drama onto me.
Sometimes they don’t see anything wrong with how they handled things. They may say that’s just the way they are and I need to accept it, which shows we’ve reached the point of me needing to release my need to try to get them to change for my own comfort.
If I feel overwhelmed and overloaded with their negative behavior, I know I need to withdraw, either temporarily or permanently.
How do we know if we need to withdraw from a situation or person on a temporary basis or a permanent one?
When we’re discussing this with the person, it’s okay to say to them “I don’t accept this in my world. If you choose to continue I need to withdraw from you.”
This is setting “boundaries”, drawing the line in the sand where you don’t wish them to cross.
How they respond will show you what you need to do.
If they seem okay with you withdrawing from them then they’ve given you their answer! They don’t wish to change and just want you to take it all on board if you wish to continue your relationship with them!
Sometimes we need to cut our losses and just move on!
When we choose to move forward, leaving that person for the universe and God to work with, it’s important to take a mental break from replaying what happened over and over in our minds, for that’s really not leaving them to follow their own path.
There’s just no telling that the other person won’t decide to look inwards at themselves and do the inner work they need to manage their anger and heal from it.
Maybe they will, and maybe they won’t!
Either way, you have your own life to live and inner issues to deal with, so just get on with those!
Don’t get passive-aggressive with them and give them a copy of my Anger Journal! However, if you are struggling with anger, by all means, order yourself a copy!
(Get other journals too: Guided Anxiety Journal, Joy & Mindfulness Journal, My Boundaries Journal.)
So, in closing…
How I tick: I’m always open to learning more and am able to admit it if I am wrong.
If it’s a matter of opinion, of seeing things differently; I’m willing to discuss but I’m not going to try to force anyone to see things the way I do, for I understand that everyone has the right to think how they wish to.
Not everyone sees life this way. We’re seeing this play out on the world stage and in communities, where one side tries to force the other side to be like them, to think like them, and act like them.
This isn’t being respectful of other people’s right to be their own person, to be different.
We can all be completely different and yet respect each other’s differences without trying to change or bully people to adopt our points of view, acting as though our opinion was the only valid one.
In this wonderful world we live, multiple points of view can coexist and be valid. None of us have had or will have exactly the same life experiences, so our viewpoints will differ!
Let’s practice speaking kindly to each other and to ourselves!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara
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Tamara Kulish 
As a registered nurse, I discovered that people sometimes vent because they are upset about something else besides what they are venting about. So, I let them vent, and when they are done, I say, “Okay, now what are you really upset about? Let’s talk about it.” You’d be surprised how often that works. Is your friend under a lot of stress? Does she have mental health issues?
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I’d say yes to all your questions. Unfortunately I went no contact, as she had also involved other unrelated people into the mess. They assured me that I didn’t have anything to worry about from their side, but that friend went too far and wasn’t pulling back. When I spoke with her about it, she dug herself in deeper, justified not only what she had said but defended being vitriolic, and expected me to absorb it, which I wasn’t prepared to do.
Yes, there are serious issues going on in her life, but she also lives on the other side of the world, so even getting together over tea isn’t an option.
Sometimes we just need to know when we need to walk away. I explained to her what I was doing and why, now it is up to her to sort it out.
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Absolutely it is healthy to stay away from toxic people who bring nothing but misery into your life!
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I used to hang in, thinking I could help them, but I was still so very co-dependent, and didn’t have good boundaries. Now I say “I need to be treated with respect. If you cannot at least do that, peace-out! 😉
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I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had to let people go from my life for the same reason. Besides, can’t help people who won’t help themselves.
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Yes, that one was difficult for me to learn and to accept. Once I did however, I found it incredibly freeing not to feel obligated to be responsible for everyone, for the truth was, I NEVER was responsible for their lives!
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I have had a couple of similar experiences and they really suck. I agree that being a “telling it like it is” person isn’t an excuse to be awful to others although many use it as such. If you’re brutal honestly is hurting those around you, maybe you should keep quiet instead.
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“Brutal honesty” is just an excuse to be brutal, in my opinion! There’s absolutely no need to tear someone down in the name of “helping them”!
I too have been the recipient of such “honesty” and it feels absolutely horrible. I didn’t feel encouraged to change, I just felt I got to see how the person REALLY felt about me.
I try to stay away from such people now, or to severely limit my interactions with them because I leave feeling slimy when around them! Funny thing is, they see themselves completely differently than how they’re coming across. They tend to find others of like mind to hang around with and that’s definitely not my group of people! LOL!
I believe that we can express ourselves honesty but in a way which is so much more positive to listen to and to receive.
It all points to who we are as people and where we are on our path!
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Oh yeah being brutal and forcing someone into your point of view never helps change people’s minds. It’s way better to be rational and relaxed.
Yeah they don’t see themselves as the bully but rather as someone passionate. That’s just how it is unfortunately. It’s best to stay away from them.
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Right?! A friendship of mine got put on hold because of that very thing. She’s been trying to for e a few people to agree with her and gets quite “passionate” when people aren’t. I’m okay with people not agreeing with me, but that doesn’t sit well with some folks.
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Yeah I think friendships like that are hard to maintain just because people like that are very difficult to be around. Not everyone needs to agree about everything and you can’t just force them to.
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Yes, they can be quite exhausting! Always needing to reassure the other person that no attack or disrespect is intended when a different opinion occurs!
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I love this and saved it. I wish I could let some people read it. I have mixed feelings because sometimes I threw my emotions of hurt out, but it wasn’t anger. And anger was thrown at me much more than I would like to admit. People do excuse their behavior when it’s completely unacceptable.
And knowing when to draw permanently or temporarily is something I’m contemplating in right now and have no idea what is right
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I totally understand!
No one responds perfectly every time, and the more we become aware, the more we can change.
Just because we change doesn’t mean that the changes will be seen or even welcomed by others!
Many times they benefit from us remaining in our old ways! I’ve had to remove myself from situations and relationships which were damaging to me even if the other person seemed perfectly happy with it.
Their experience doesn’t need to dictate our choices! If we are experiencing the negativity or are struggling with how a person relates with us, I believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to remove ourselves.
I’m trying not to be 💯 reactionary, even though sometimes it feels like I should! I’m trying to handle life in steps, to recognize that everyone has the power to change.
If someone tells me they’ve changed, I do give them another chance, but I don’t jump in with my eyes closed and only listen to their words! I pay attention to their actions! Those speak loudly!
(Also let’s not confuse love-bombing with real change, because love-bombing is just for show!)
I do believe in setting healthy boundaries and letting the other party know where I now stand. I’ve said variations of the following: “As long as you treat me negatively or speak unkindly to me I can’t be around you or I need to get off the phone. When you are able to speak to me respectfully I’ll be happy to talk!”
Then I take a break from the situation! Whether it’s temporary or permanent time will tell! 😊
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You are so very right, and I do try to do the same. Setting boundaries is super important!! Thank you for taking the time to share all this ❤️❤️
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My pleasure!
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Well said. Angry people tend to alienate others. Best to step back. She may come around and she may not. I’ve had to do this and it’s never fun. Painful is the word. Best of luck!
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Yup! I’ve no idea if this will be temporary or if it will be permanent.
I’m working on gently releasing anyone who does this to let God and the universe do their work. Not replaying what happened over and over in my mind, for there’s a tendency when we’ve been dealt harshly that we keep replaying everything. That’s just a recipe for more anger to build! LOL! I want to release all that from my world! 😀
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What a deep and informative post, Tamara. I heard a quote from a pastor on a podcast last week – I think it was Eugene Peterson who said something like, “We need to be able to be angry without becoming mean.” And I think that’s akin to the line you are drawing here – it’s okay to disagree and to tell others when they’ve hurt us but it’s not okay to be mean about it. Those are two different things and we need relationships that honor that!
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Absolutely! In total agreement!
We’ve lost the fine art of discussion. Things start to escalate very quickly when people don’t agree and even the fine art of debating has been replaced by verbal outbursts, name calling and cussing.
The polarization of our societies is contributing to this happening and seems to further entrench people.
The anger we’ve seen isn’t changing anything or anyone for the positive!
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